ALL ABOUT YOU

I was driving home from a fab date. I felt compelled to write about it and write about “her.”

IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU.

It was supposed to be, the time of my life,
My date last night could be my future wife.
The night had potential, what more could one ask
Than to date the most popular JDate girl, twas quite a task.

It all started out, oh three months ago.
I signed up for JDate, what the hell did I know?
So I searched and searched, I was looking for witty.
I couldn’t find her so I ‘settled’ for pretty.

According to JDate, she was the most popular girl.
I had nothing to lose so I gave it a whirl.
She was smart and beautiful, she’d be a tough catch,
I traded barbs with her, had I met my match?

She was tough, unyielding, a girl of few words,
My thoughts of dating her were strictly for the birds.
She is a lawyer; you know the way they act,
Calculating, cold, just the facts.

But we got along great, things were going well.
I said something stupid, and it all went to hell.
She banned me for life, no date for me.
Welcome to JDate Todd, this is reality.

And then out of nowhere you burst onto the scene,
I said to my friend, she’s THE ONE, ya know what I mean?
But you have a boyfriend, the great ones all do,
Despite that fact, I fell in love with you.

Be it ever so brief, a moment in time,
I foolishly thought that you could me mine.
But nowadays, things seem to have changed.
Your interest in me has most definitely waned.

The emails, the phone calls, even the texts,
So many I never knew which one would be next.
Messages a flyin’, like a runneth over cup,
These days barely a peep, they’ve all dried up.

For the most part I’ve noticed, my messages are ignored,
The thrill apparently gone, or maybe you’re just bored.
My days once bright, filled with messages from you,
Have returned to the dull, the drab, and the blue.

Oh don’t get me wrong, I totally understand,
You’ve got your life, to live with your man.
So where does that leave me? Out in the cold.
Disappointed again. Boy is this getting old!

With you disappearing, I returned back to Ice,
To get her to talk would certainly be nice.
I kept seeing her out there and finally said ‘hello.’
She said ‘hi’ back, well what do you know?

It started from there and worked its way along
I finally made a connection, by sending her songs.
The music she liked, progress was made
I now had some use for these concert tickets I’d paid.

I asked you first, but you could not go.
Conflict of interest, I know I know!
So I asked Ice if she liked the band called “Live,”
At the Hard Rock Casino, hardly a dive.

“Tempting,” she said. “A possibility.”
“Bullshit,” I told her. “You’re going with me.”
Amazingly she relented, to go on a date.
Another date with destiny? Another twist of fate?

“So how did it go?” You ask O-T-T (over the top)?
Unbelievably well. According to me.
She had it all, smart and looks to kill,
Was she really dating me? Wow, what a thrill!

We had dinner and drinks before the show,
The hour flew by and it was time to go.
The concert was awesome, unforgettably great.
“Live” and Ice, what an amazing date!

I had it all, even got a good night kiss.
On my drive home, I thought about this.
Could the date have been any better? Well this much I knew,
It would have been perfect, if my date was with YOU!

LETTER TO SELF

Be prepared, dude. She’s gonna drop a huge bomb on you which is gonna totally crush the life out of you. She and J talked everything over and they agreed to work it out without any contact from you. So the rule is, she is not going to see you/contact you anymore. You’re gonna have to deal with, somehow, this devastating news. Yes, you’ll have to cry and let it all out once again. You’ll have to question ‘why?’ You will have hit rock bottom. You’ll have to dig deep to find your inner strength, but it is there and you’ll need it to carry on. There is no magic solution here. This will be the toughest thing you have ever gone through considering all that you have overcome to this point. It will take time to heal from this one, and you may never really get over it. But you must get over it because it can take you back down to Depression Road, and you don’t want to end up there again, do you?

This is my advice to you, man. Read it until you’re blue in the face. Remember, you told yourself you would risk this very moment at the small chance that it would work out with her. And you got your one night+ with the fair princess. Now bittersweet memories which will last a lifetime. Hang in there!

CAT'S IN THE CRADLE

If I cried during The Pacifier, it was a certainty I’d cry saying goodbye. {Sigh} I’ve been trying all week not to think about it. Every time I did, I shut it down. As our flight began its final descent, the overwhelming feeling of fatherhood emptiness overcame me. I grabbed him. We hugged until the plane landed abruptly. Tears everywhere. Sheesh, I’m supposed to be the strong one. Some example I’m setting! I managed to compose myself, but I couldn’t utter any words. I just held his hand tight until we saw his mother.

She excitedly grabbed and hugged him while I walked away and gave her the moment. My composure was totally lost once again. I walked in circles trying to regain it. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment of ‘losing him.’ Composure regained, he and I held hands heading down the escalator. She suggested we have lunch at the airport since my flight didn’t leave for another two hours. That was nice of her. We lunched and had to do the inevitable goodbye scene. I’ve said this before, but goodbye is, without a doubt, one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to go through in my life. Can you imagine how hard it is on him?

But what an incredible 10 days it has been. I miss him already as I sit on this plane, eyes tearing once again. My writing thoughts right this second are not as organized as I’d like, but I feel like writing now. I need to fill this vast emptiness so newly created after I finally released him from that goodbye bear hug.

I’ve written so much about dating, finding love, the ’on-a-diet’ empty feeling in between relationships. At least that emptiness comes and goes. *This* particular separation emptiness is mostly permanent. It’s there. It’s always there. It’s difficult, and I hardly ever write about it.

Parenting. I feel like I’m moonlighting. I was almost going to name this post moonlighting. A temporary second job. Oh sure, we talk practically everyday, I offer up fatherly advice and praise, but there is no substitute for face time. Ten days goes by in a heartbeat. It’s easy to enjoy all the fun activities and fun things we do. We go to the beach, we go to baseball and basketball games, go to the movies, play tennis, baseball, bowling, eat ice cream, etc. Sooo much fun.

But the real fulfillment is being a father. Teaching him lessons my father taught me, teaching him about life, asking him about it later and he being able to recite my words back to me, cooking for him making sure he’s happy, doing his laundry, telling him to brush his teeth. Face time involvement. It fills the void. Temporarily. Now he’s gone. My moonlighting job over until July. Until then, it’s back to the phone calls, and the long distance parenting thing. The void. Times like these make me question if I made the correct decision to leave? His tears certainly make me question it.

I know I did the right thing, but these moments always shake my confidence. He’s *such* a good boy. He’s so smart and so talented in everything he does. Sure, I’m his father so, of course, I’m going to brag. But he truly amazes me. He can sing, he’s good at all sports, he can draw, his reading and math skills are extremely accelerated, he’s got an uncanny memory, and he’s a good-looking boy. Watch out girls!

I gotta buy a digital camera. The disposable cams just don’t do our precious memories any justice. Because for now, that’s what’s left. One night after I cooked him dinner, I told him how much pleasure it gave me to cook for him. I told him he was the most important thing in this world to me. He response? “I know daddy, you don’t have to tell me that.”

Take me home, Harry Chapin…

“And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then."

PRICELESS

Weather: 78 degrees, sunny, clear blue skies
Surf: 82 degrees
Parking: $3
Admission: $0
Food: $0
Entertainment: $0
Spending the entire day at the beach with your son swimming, building sand castles, finding shells, throwing the football, having a picnic, bonding, etc.: $Priceless.

Flying him back home tomorrow...{sigh}

UNEXPECTED

I get a kick out of accomplishing something, a first, in my life no matter how small. Today, I converted a 7-9-10 split. For you non-bowlers out there, that's one pin in one corner and two in the other corner. The first ball I threw right-handed and I got the rare spare throwing it left-handed. The best part was having my son there to witness it.

Another surprising event, I acually cried during the movie, The Pacifier. Geez, I really *have* changed for real.

MUNDANE SHIT

OK, ‘Anon.’ You’ve been warned. Don’t read this post.

I mentioned on the previous post about Gazoo telling me to read the Sky Mall catalogue. I was bored, and so I did. And I just started writing in my notepad...Thursday, 3/16 In-flight.

Sky Mall catalogue. Does anyone ever buy anything out of here? I think the catalog should be entitled, “Lifestyles of the Rich and Frivolous.” Don'tcha have to be just a little ‘friv’ to buy this stuff? Let’s take a look, shall we?

Inside cover – Ultra Projector. “All you need for your presentations.” I sure hope so for the $3,299 they’re charging.

Page 9 – Ultimate Bed Lounger. “Our bed lounger combines a low level, adjustable reading lamp, heat and a dual-speed massaging element with ergonomic, cushioned memory foam to soothe tired muscles.” Seriously, how can anyone pass that up for only $149?

Page 13 – Stylish Pet Gate. “Wood frame with sturdy steel grates.” $89. It’s not the product that caught my eye; it was the little mini-daschound going through the gate. Awwww.

Page 15 – Paper Towel Holder. “Convenient stainless steel Paper Towel Holder helps out in the kitchen.” OK. Fairly obviously stated but for $59???

Page 17 – Beverage Tub. “Beautifully crafted of easy-to-clean, brushed-and-polished 18/10 stainless steel, with double-wall insulation that prevents any furniture-marring condensation.” I call it an ice bucket, and for $149???

Page 20 – Copper Fire Pit. “Now you can enjoy a blazing backyard or beachfront fire.” For $345? I’ll pass.

Page 22 – Wastebasket. “Our Wastebaskets are works of art.” Looks like a garbage can to me, and for $99 you can keep it.

Oooh, Sharper Image section. Here’s a bunch of shit no one needs…
Page 26 – Turbo Clipper. “Easily removes fingernails and toenails. Ergonomic grip and motorized rotary file.” Only $49.95? It’s a steal, huh?

Page 28. How about a matching nose hair trimmer to “to comfortably trim away unsightly nose hair.” Turbo-Groomer 5.0. $59.95

Page 28 – Human Touch ™ Recliner Massager. “Features back massage with full-body stretching for the ultimate at-home spa experience.” $1999.95 plus $135 for shipping.
*But,* “It is recognized by the American College of Chiropractic Orthopedists.” Whoever they are.

Oooh, Hammacher Schlemmer section. See Sharper Image comment.
Page 32 – Incomparable Comfort Slippers. They forgot ‘ugly’ in the title. $64.95

Page 33 – Inflatable Whirlpool Spa. It looks like a big kiddie pool. Why only one lonely lady in the picture? I think it would sell better if you had the sexy model guy in there with her. Where’s the romance, people??? $899.95

3:47 p.m. Time out. I’m in luck. Pretzels. Damn, I was hoping for the little butter nuggets. Plain Jane pretzels here. By the way, that Seattle Best Iced Coffee I bitched about? Pretty damn good! Time in.
Page 35 - Men’s Striped Turkish Cotton Pajamas. “Made from the finest cotton in the world.” Maybe, but the last time I wore actual PJs, I was 12. $64.95

Page 37 – Magnifier Floor Lamp. For $279.95, you can decorate your room to look like a dentist’s office. You know, when the dentist reaches way up and pulls that big magnifier lamp down to your eyeballs? I know I’ve always wanted one of these for my living room.

Page 39 – The Mosquito Mega-Catch. “Easily the best non-propane unit in the market.” Once again, I hope so for $299.95.

Page 41 – Exclusive. The Wristwatch TV. Hey Joe, ya got the time? No, but I can tell you who got voted off Survivor Island. $199.95.

Page 43 - Exclusive. Chrome Vanadium Tool Set. I’m 43, and this is the first time I’ve ever seen the word, “Vanadium” since high school Chemistry class. $199.95

Page 44. Finally! Something I really like. Arcade Legends Game System. "Asteroids®, Centipede®, Missile Command®, Tempest®. More than 30 classic games return to life in this full size upright console.” Too bad it as a ‘classic’ price of only $3695.95 plus $150 shipping.

Moving on to other vendors now.
Page 45 - Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker. Does anyone *really* need assistance cooking hot dogs? Ahem. Boil water, cook for 10 minutes. If you can’t handle that, I guess there might be a need for this contraption. $49.95

Page 55. OMG. “Aerating your lawn is as easy as taking a walk.” You guessed it. Lawn Aerator Sandals. Complete with 1 ½ inch spikes. A ‘steel’ at $12.99

Page 63 – La Fuma - The Original "Zero-Gravity" Chair. They swear the concept of this lounge chair, “is based upon NASA’s zero-gravity reclining position.” It sells for $209.95 for the extra-large padded version *but* “it folds for easy storage and portability.” Well, in that case, what are we waiting for?

Page 67. Shaking my head here. “Boil water in just 90 seconds!” Yeah, forget about your microwave folks. Now we have the T-Fal Vitesse. Vitesse? Valadium? Where do they come up with this stuff? $59.95

Page 69. Shaking my head again. Traction Bench. “Stretch away back pain.” It looks like a medieval form of cruel punishment. Don’t they mean Torture Bench? $349.95

Page 71 – Dozen of Real Dipped Roses. “Real roses dipped in 24K gold bring a lifetime of enchantment!” C’mon all you men out there. Treat your ladies right. After all, it’s “a lifetime of enchantment” for her. And your wallet, too I might add. $598.95. Sorry, but the Bohemian crystal vase is extra. $69.95

Page 73. Honest to goodness, I want one of these. John Lennon Gold Record. A framed authentic gold record featuring the “Imagine” lyrics. Really, I want one. $199.95

Page 80 – College Slippers. “Surprise the alum with slipper clogs with their college’s logo. 48 colleges to choose from.” $45. Not bad.

Page 81. “Train pets to stay off furniture and counters.” Or more bluntly stated, give your pet a heart attack. $29.50 for the Pet Trainer Alarm.

Skipping the boring computer section.
Page 105. “So rare that only a handful were made in 1923. Rarest of rare. Only a handful of these distinctive handmade timepieces in circulation.” Ever wonder that if this was truly the case, why do we see these Steinhausen Watches popping up seemingly in every magazine/newspaper in the country? Yeah well, read the fine print. “Now recreated.” $249 for this copycat version of the “$300,000 original.”

Page 110 - BBQ Branding Iron. “Personalized Branding Iron for your BBQ.” I know all my guests would be thrilled seeing a “TAM” branded on their filet mignons. $89.95

Page 113. Assorted medical aids, but I just don’t get it. For example, Deluxe Digital Massage Boots. They look like something out of Apollo 13. $139.95.

Page 113. Headache Relief Massager. It looks like you’ve just had a lobotomy. $69.95.

Page 113. Hair Remover. Nuff said. $69.95

4:45 p.m. I need a nap. BRB. 4:50 p.m. Nap over. Window seat lady needs to use the ‘lavatory.’
Page 117 – Digital Spy Camera Pen. “Work your secret spy mojo with the incredibly innocent-looking DSPC.” Did they just say, “spy mojo?” $59.95

Page 117. Rietti Civil Mover Electric Scooter. “Your electric chariot awaits you. Save thousands over similar models.” Would seem like ‘a bargain’ at $699.95 plus $99.95 shipping.

Page 119. If the DSPC doesn’t strike your fancy, try the Orbitor Electronic Listening Device for $69.95. “Lets you hear and see a conversation from 100 yards away.” It looks like one of those nerdy gadgets found inside one of those movie spy vans with all the detective electronic shit inside. AA batteries not included, of course.

Page 120. Well, well, well. What have we here? The rare Steinhausen 1923 Timepiece. “Be the first to wear this exclusive re-issue of a rare classic Steinhausen 1923 timepiece.” I hate to say I told you so…$299.95

Page 124. If there ever was a pompous purchase, I present to you the H.S. Trask Hand-Sewn Driving Loafers. “And they’re not just for driving.” $170. I think I’ll keep my Ecco’s, thank you.

Page 127 - E5C Isolating Earphones. Wow! They look similar to my iPod earphones, but no no. “The E5C delivers the most sophisticated and intense listening experience possible.” And for $499, I sure as hell hope so.

Page 131 – World’s Coolest Running Shoe! Weird. It’s actually a sandal. “Protects your feet and especially your toes by utilizing a toe guard and sculpted phylon midsole.” Sculpted phylon? Add it to your new vocabulary list. $79.95

Page 135 – Inversion Stretch Station. Another upside down torture chamber. $249.95

Page 141 – Life-Size WWI Propeller. It is. It’s huge. “Lean it in a corner, mount it above the mantle or behind your desk for a totally different kind of wall décor.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. $139.95

Page 144 – Hand Painted Russian Balalaika. I’m starting to feel dumb here. Another word I’ve never heard of. Do you play it or sweep with it? $229

Page 149. OK, here’s something I actually *need*. Hairmax Laser Comb. “At last, you can have thicker, fuller, healthier looking hair! Just 10-15 minutes a day, 3 times a week is all it takes.” I wish. Is it worth the $645 gamble?

Page 150 – Endless Pool. Hmm, looks authentic. The price is endless, too. $18,900.

Skipping clothes and luggage. Homestretch.
Page 168 – Sun System Facial Tanner. “Get a summer glow all year long.” Huh. Facial tanner. I guess it doesn’t work on any other part of the body. $139.95

Page 171 – Portable Massage Table. I’m sorry, Jerry Seinfeld. Masseuse not included. $199.95

And finally…
Page 176 – Mademoiselle Haute Couture Floor Lamp. Wonderfully described. “Ooo-la-la! She's ready to add high fashion to your decor! Our life-sized work of decorative art-glamorously 6-feet tall with her black fabric shade-has the chic knee-high boots, trendy cocktail dress, and accentuated curves that make her a timeless, always-in-style, fashion statement." Gee, when you describe it that way, she’s seems worth the $395. Light bulb not included.


I also mentioned last post that I *did* agree, in part, with ‘Anon’s comment. He/she *is* right. Most of what I write is mundane shit. I guess that’s my style and it certainly isn’t for everyone. But when you really think about it, sans Tsunamis, Euthanasia, and certain political views, what *isn’t* mundane? Well, I hope you’ve had your fill after viewing the slide show. I’m sneaking off to vacation. See ya in a week or so.