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Chasing The American Dream

March 14, 2005

HEAD AND SHOULDERS


Posted by Hello
I’ve been scratching my head lately, and that’s not a good sign. No, it’s not dandruff. It’s women. When it comes to women, I have no fucking clue. None. After another huge misunderstanding, I sat there staring at my laptop, tears forming. I turned to my fiancée, and told her that despite it being 2 a.m., it was time for a workout and a 2-mile run on the treadmill. How *does* my iPod know exactly what to play?

When your day is long, and the night, the night is yours alone.
When you're sure you've had enough… of this life…well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries. And everybody hurts, sometimes ...

Sometimes everything is wrong, now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on), if you feel like letting go (hold on),
If you think you've had too much… of this life…well hang on.
“Everybody Hurts,” by REM

Are you hanging on for hope? The clock strikes past the hour.
Is the pain enough to choke the life out?
You may never get to sleep. Your time is not your time tonight.
Her smile will make you weak and proud.

Do you ever miss her? Do you feel the cold wind whisper?
Is there anything more deafening?
“Hanging on for Hope,” by New Amsterdams

I have become cumbersome to this world. I have become cumbersome to my girl
Too heavy, too light, too black or too white, too wrong or too right, today or tonight,
Cumbersome

Too rich or too poor, she's wanting me less, and I'm wanting her more,
The bitter taste is cumbersome.
“Cumbersome,” by Seven Mary Three

I’ll be the first to admit, that I keep making mistakes. And I’m sure I’ll keep making them as I relearn how the hell to date women. So yes, I’ll share some blame, but I need to determine if I’m totally to blame? And yes, I’m cryin’ and whinin’ here, but I need some advise here. Hey, that’s what blogs are for, right?

Since last December, I have met some interesting women. You all know my carefree, fearless, go for it Garden State-of-mind attitude. And by all means, I have. But patterns are developing, and I am slow, as usual, to react properly or change behavior. I hate to cheapen these patterns to a poker game, but I feel it’s somewhat apropos.

So here’s the story. It started with Death Moves and has just recently boiled over into utter frustration. The good news is that women *are* contacting me. We email. We IM. We phone. Friendships are formed. And so the poker game begins. We get along. We get familiar with each other. The flirting starts, innocently at first, and then gets hot and heavy. Both sides are equally throwing money into the pot. Nobody is folding. We meet, more flirting, but ultimately she folds. Not even a goodnight kiss.

It starts again. She takes the initiative and finds me. I’m impressed. I return an email. We IM, we phone, a friendship is formed, we get along, we get familiar, we flirt. Once again, innocently at first, and then hot and heavy. The poker pot grows. The flirting grows intense. Dare I say orgasmic? Stakes are raised. I meet her. Her house. Alone. No kids. Wine, cheese, and fruit. There *is* a connection. We seem to hit it off. It gets physical, but ultimately she folds. I go home confused.

And then ultimate confusion. The pattern is similar to previous ‘mistakes.’ A comment. An email. And we’re off and running. Only this time, along with the orgasmic flirting, a serious connection is in the air. Strong bonds are formed. There is daily communication. Is Love in the air? Two problems. Long distance and boyfriend. Both repeat mistakes. True to form, there are serious boyfriend problems. I seem to be what’s missing. I cast my fate to the wind. I offer to fly her down and meet. My luck sucks. There are logistic problems. So I offer to fly and meet her. More logistic problems. We try to work through them.

As if on a tangent, the subject of ‘the sleepover’ is discussed. Her rule, no sleepover on ‘the first date.’ I’m dumbfounded. I’m shocked. I’m confused. I’m disappointed. I don’t look at it as a first date. To say we know each other well, in my opinion, is an understatement. To me, it’s a continuation. Yes, it’s our first meeting, but I don’t look at it as a first date. We don’t agree. She’s concerned with what her parents will think. I understand, but only to a point. It’s a tough choice. Meeting and being with what could be the man of her dreams at the risk of disappointing her parents. Choices. For me, there’s only one choice. I push all my chips into the pot and risk it in what could perhaps be a once in a lifetime opportunity. I hope for the same. I hope I’m a priority. I’m willing to fly, to meet, to spend 100% of my time together. Sleeping over? Yes. I want that. There doesn’t even have to be sex. I want to know what it feels like to simply be together and wake up together. I don’t want to say, “it’s been fun, see you in 12 hours.” I want to pursue a future. Future to me means more than flying thousands of miles for dinner and a movie. It means everything. It means sharing. It means wanting to confirm connections mentally and physically. It means priorities. Big stakes. She folds.

Will I fly? I dunno. The Fool folded. They all fold. I put myself out there totally and completely and they all fold. And this is why I scratch my head. Honestly, I thought this time it would be different. Patterns were similar, but I just thought *this* time, it would be different. I don’t know. Things are different now. Can’t explain it, but *something’s* missing. It’s me. I’m tired of disappointments and lack of reciprocation. I know I’m writing in fragments. I feel fragmented.

The worst part about ending up where I am is this feeling of emptiness. Greek calls it sublimation. I liken it to a diet. Before you decide to go on a diet, you eat what you want, you feel full and contented. When you start that diet, the hardest part is feeling hungry, feeling that emptiness in your stomach, wanting more. That’s what ‘alone’ feels like. Hungry, empty, wanting. OK. Bring on the criticism.

I’m ready for a break. I’m taking a two-week vacation from blogging and dating. More importantly, it’s Spring Break and that means I get to visit with my son. I fly out Wednesday and I’m bringing him home for 10 days. I can’t think of a better way to quell these feelings. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.

PT.

18 Comments:

  • hi,

    you remind me of a younger, singler me. you seem to go full throttle too soon. just because you feel as though she may be the woman of your dreams doesn't necessarily mean that she considers you the man of her dreams. i always came across as much too needy and i don't think women find that attractive. when i was in the service in germany, a friend suggested that i try going out with a woman (attractive physically and personality-wise) that i just didn't feel THAT connection with so i could take it slower and be more sane. it worked for me. i learned to love without being immediately "in love". then i was able to carry that forward to another relationship back in the states. of course, as always, i may well be full of shit. i come from a 12 step background, and as they say in meetings, take what you like and leave the rest. enjoy your time off and best wishes.

    By Blogger ropedncr, at 8:10 AM, March 14, 2005  

  • It seems these blogbreaks are spreading like a disease. I think that's when maybe the blogs have gotten too social...when what should be a release, an escape, has to be escaped from. Hurry back.

    By Blogger Emily, at 11:59 AM, March 14, 2005  

  • You yourself admit that you "have no fucking clue" when it comes to women. In your 40+ years on this planet, it seems, you have not learned anything about them (see above-referenced quote). So, then, I'm wondering: why are you so desperately trying to be with one?

    Maybe it might be better to think about taking more than a two week break from dating, and learning about yourself, your world, how you interact with it, and within it.

    It makes no sense why one would admit ignorance towards women, yet still avidly and aggressively pursue them.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:50 PM, March 14, 2005  

  • I used to hate when people said it to me (when I was single), but HANG IN THERE.

    I remember being single and all I was dying to do was get married. Now married, I miss being single. I don't think it's easy no matter what side you're on. You hear married people talk about their issues and single people talk about their issues.

    Why not just enjoy being ?

    Every person that you date - whether first or last date - has something to give you. Enjoy the date and have fun at that moment. The rest, I believe, will happen.

    Have a great break.

    By Blogger catsteevens, at 3:53 PM, March 14, 2005  

  • Gator, he hasn't figured it out yet. And, obviously he doesn't really listen to advice, as a lot of people have expressed the same thoughts as you have.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:03 PM, March 14, 2005  

  • I like what Gatonreena said. A slight paradigm shift could make a huge difference.

    Instead of sweating it over a potential love connection, just enjoy each meeting and each moment and it'll happen, probably when you're ready, and maybe even when you least expect it.

    By Blogger Jewels, at 5:36 PM, March 14, 2005  

  • Dating problems suck. So do long distance relationships.
    How about for 6 months you try to only date people who live within a 3 hour drive of your home? (The only thing you have to lose are frequent flier miles.)
    BTW- I'm also totally in love with my new iPod. It makes for a much happier cubicle.

    By Blogger Lyss, at 10:01 PM, March 14, 2005  

  • where is robotnik when you need him? (i've turned into a huge auf!auf! fan) well, since he's not here, i just want to offer 'bollocks to the world.' dude, it's really cool that you write about all this, and it shows that you are unique. don't worry about changing your ways. i like the sites like fish and sk that say 'thanks, but no thanks' to the advice. can you imagine one of them changing in order to meet the needs of someone else for the sake of love? why should you? if anything, consider it a blessing that it's taking such an effort to find the 'one'. cause once you do, it's supposed to last forever, right? enjoy the struggle.

    By Blogger ducklet, at 10:03 PM, March 14, 2005  

  • When you say they all 'fold', do you mean they back completely out of the relationship? It sounds to me like you push too far. You can only go as fast as the slowest person in a relationship. When you ask them for something they aren't ready to give, and then say it's all or nothing, well, it sounds to me like YOU 'fold'. That's not respecting the other person's feelings and needs.

    And perhaps women don't always know their own bounderies. Sure, we want intimacy and companionship as much as men. We may even act like we want more NOW than we really do. In one respect we do want it now, but when push comes to shove, we're not made to move that fast so the need to slow down seems to suddenly come to the fore. It's not a game, per se; we just don't know ourselves very well.

    Good luck.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:40 PM, March 14, 2005  

  • Robotnik is busy working out a phat deal to publish his novel in Germany, France, and Switzerland. Next stop the States. You ain't made it nowheres 'less you've made it in America, darlings.

    Salut Brando(n)!

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 1:49 PM, March 15, 2005  

  • Wish I had something profound to offer; since I don't, I will offer you my most sincere hope that things work out the way you need them to. Not necessarily want, but need. It's a much better standard to achieve. Enjoy your time with "A".

    By Blogger JuRiScHiCk, at 9:23 PM, March 15, 2005  

  • Okay - you sound like you're really trying to figure out what is going on with the ladies. Everyone, my apologies in advance for a long comment, but maybe our beloved Chaser can find some clue in the story of the last guy that I dated, it sounds so similar to your scenario, I'm in my 20's, and he was 41.

    1. We had some great phone calls, the flirtation was light and fun, sure we shared some intimate details because in the emotional rush of the moment, it's fun.

    2. We went out one night, our first date. Even though we had talked and emailed a lot, it was still a first date to me... actual interaction in person is not the same as email/phone calls. So I go in with a "get to know in person" approach.

    3. On the date, there were admittedly a few things that happened that put me off: a) in trying to be considerate to me, he would ask what I wanted to do, but then in trying to be impressive, he would essentially nix my suggestion in favor of his 'better' idea; b) like when I said I was going to hold off on a drink, he didn't just accept it, and insisted on ordering his favorite bottle because it would change my mind; c) while it was our first date, he was already trying to make lots of plans for the future (places to go, restaurants to try, museums to visit) and this made me feel like I was suddenly having to book my life; d) he was doing too much, trying to be 'on', and in doing so, I felt like he was following a script instead of actually listening to me; and e) in trying so hard to impress with his carefree joie de vivre... it just came across like he was trying too hard.

    4. As a result: the flirtatious repartee started to make me uncomfortable, because it seemed like part of the "over the top" act. I felt like it was superficial, that it was fun but that he didn't really seem to be into this to get to *know* me. He was already ramping up the intimacy expectations, but was he listening to me? Maybe he just really needed to get laid?

    5. Because he acted like he already knew me so well that he was ready to go full-on 100% life together, and it made me hesitate, because I thought we were still on a first date getting to know each other. I wondered whether his enthusiasm really was all about me, or whether it was more that I was the first nice girl in a long time to pay attention to him in a kind way. And I don't mean that to sound as conceited as it reads, because I really am looking for a nice guy. I'm just saying it was like he had an all-or-nothing mode. It wasn't relaxed. Even though he was trying to come across as relaxed and ready.

    6. We still went on a few more dates, because I didn't want to miss out on a nice guy just because of my apprehensive feelings on the first date... however, it still all came across as an almost impatience for me to commit 100%.

    7. I soon realized that I had to be upfront. I was still in a "trying to figure it all out" phase and he was trying to plan overnight weekenders, and recognizing the difference between my attitude and his, I didn't want to lead him on or hurt him. So I told him exactly that, that he seemed to be ready for so much more out of a relationship and I honestly wasn't ready for so much so soon. From his reaction, I was glad that I acknowledged the red flags, lots of phone calls asking what he had done wrong, asking why what we had had on the phone meant nothing to me, asking why I didn't want a nice guy who would give me 100% devotion, etc.

    My assessment: he was trying to still figure out a lot of things himself, it had never been about me, he was more into the idea of a relationship without really understanding who I was, day to day, in REAL LIFE, not just in witty emails.

    The moral of the story: some girls need easy-going, get to know you in a non-pressured friendship kind of way annd if a guy is ready to give 110%, fly down wherever even though he's never met me, etc, it can be disconcerting because it makes it seem like he is enamored with the IDEA of a relationship with me, but does not even know me yet. And, bottom line, it raises suspicions for me. Get to know me in person, then when you can tell I'm ready for 110%, go for it.

    But too much, too soon, it makes girls wonder why it's so easy for you to fall so hard.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:39 PM, March 15, 2005  

  • With internet romance, a false sense of intimacy develops way too easily. I've found that time and time again. When you do finally meet in person, you basically have to treat it like a first date. Relax, have fun, listen, and don't get ahead of yourself. It helps to wear clothes that match too.

    By Blogger Gatsby, at 12:05 AM, March 16, 2005  

  • hey, brando, did you not notice that he ASKED for advice. and, based on your comment, i assume you still believe that love means never having to say you're sorry. right.

    By Blogger ropedncr, at 10:12 AM, March 16, 2005  

  • People are pushing, pushing, pushing. They can't stand being alone with themselves. Everyone always has something to say. They NEED to be heard. They NEED to feel loved. BOLLOCKS TO ALL OF IT. It is only when you can stand being alone, with yourself, in all honesty, for the rest of your life, that a special person with a special, kind soul enters your life.

    Also, the mistake most people make: waiting for the one that COMPLETES them. Bollocks! If you need to be completed, then you're lacking (obviously) in one or some or several areas. Probably, more accurately would be to look for someone who complements you.

    People, in general, are just clueless twits with overinflated egos which act much like earplugs, and most of the time won't listen to advice, if the advice they seek doesn't match up with what they want to hear. Also, they're hardly ever honest with themselves. They build up facades and stories filled with bravado and pity and pass themselves off as poor little innocent victims of love. BOLLOCKS TO YOU ALL! Look deep inside and recognize the swine that you are. And then re-build yourself into the virtuous human beings that you can be. Stop this "woe is me" positure. Learn to live with the idea of being alone. Forever. Stop reading John Donne ("no man is an island")...EVERY man is an island; we just need to figure out how to build better bridges.

    Now git!

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 1:33 PM, March 16, 2005  

  • Chin up PT!
    I am glad that you are going to get to spend time with your son. I can't wait to see my family next weekend (Easter). Women are a hassel! LOL...me being one of the biggest ones of all. But even women like a challenge.. You should play hard to get once in a while! :o)
    Smile for me, sorry I can't be there to make you smile at *you know where* anymore
    --Miss Ryder

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:55 PM, March 16, 2005  

  • maybe the head and shoulders can wash the smell of desperation off of you. girls dont want to date other bitches. grow some balls and be a man. whiney and desperate chase women away.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:13 PM, March 18, 2005  

  • Woe is me, woe is me. That's what this blog is. I've been coming here on and off just to see if you've changed your tune or learned anything. Perhaps the reason women are attracted in the first place is their initial thought that you are the "sensitive male" type. Your blog reeks, at first read, of the male-confessional, but when they meet you in person and see how hard you push/try, they get turned off. Some of us are onto your little ploy here. You're much like a spider with the blog as your web. But you get found out. Eventually. It's happening over and over. Maybe you should change your tune and stop trying to deceive.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:54 AM, March 19, 2005  

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