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Chasing The American Dream

January 23, 2005

DEATH MOVES


SHE's just not that into you. Posted by Hello

I’m sure there aren’t many golfers out there, but this guy Jim McLean boiled the whole complicated golf swing down to 8 moves. If a golfer did something contrary to the 8 moves, he called it a ‘Death Move.’ Well, I just witnessed a ‘Death Move’ in the dating arena. I’ve gotten it fairly often. It took me a while to figure out the meaning, but I got it down now. Here’s the story.

I had a ‘first date’ last night. Stage 3. We had done the stage 1 thing quite well. Lotsa IMs and emails. It was all good. There was a lot of sexual innuendo as well. We progressed to stage 2, the phone call, and set up a stage 3 lunch date. The night before stage 3, I suggested perhaps we meet for the helluvit. She told me she had a friend over. Her friend apparently liked my blog so I just said bring her along.

So the three of us met and had a good time. Met at midnight and chatted for a couple of hours. It was very friendly. We held hands and arms, seemed comfortable. Playing in the back of my mind was all our previous stage 1 innuendo so the physical touching seemed to make sense. Then came the ‘goodbye.’ We sat in her car and I told her I’d see her tomorrow for our real date. I leaned over to kiss her goodnight and there it was. The DEATH MOVE. Instead of meeting my lips head on, she gave me the ol’ face turn, and I landed one smack dab on her cheek.

Now I’ve yet to read HJNTIY. You know, He’s Just Not That Into You. But guys out there, lemme assure you, if you get said Death Move then SJNTIY! As I said, it took me a while to learn what this Death Move meant. The first time I got it, I wasn’t sure it was intentional. I thought I got it because I surprised the hell out of my date (future post). Then, after a truly awesome date with her, I went to kiss her goodnight and surprisingly got the cheek again. That’s when I figured it out.

It’s a tough move to figure out. You always have to be prepared to receive it no matter how great the date is or how great you THINK the both of you are getting along. Thing is, I’m never prepared for it. I get lost in reality thinking everything’s going along so wonderfully. I’m not an overly aggressive person, but I am overly friendly, and perhaps overly affectionate, or overly sentimental. I give first sight hugs, goodbye hugs, and yes, first date kisses. But I only go for the goodnight kiss when I THINK there’s already a neat connection established. My intention isn’t even suck face. Sure, there’s that space issue. Perhaps a goodnight kiss on the lips is an invasion of space upon meeting someone for the first time. Perhaps a simple hug will do or the dreaded handshake. But IMHO guys, if you go for the lean over, lead with the lips, and get the Death Move, game over. SJNTIY.

So help me out before I further embarrass myself. Guys, what other Death Moves have you experienced? Girls, what DMs do you dole out to us guys to tell us SJNTIY?



21 Comments:

  • She just sounds like a bitch to me. ;-)

    Another great DM technique I've used is becoming the "dating coach." If a woman encourages you to go out there and meet someone, and/or gives you tips on how to do it, SJNTIY.

    By Blogger Queen Helene, at 9:01 AM, January 23, 2005  

  • Hmm, thanks for the tip, coach.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 9:24 AM, January 23, 2005  

  • This is going to sound mean, but maybe you're not reading the women as you should. I don't know.

    Can't help you with a Death Move. Never dated much...and when I did ('88-'94) women seemed to be a tad different than what you describe. I think those were different times for single men, than nowadays.

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 9:43 AM, January 23, 2005  

  • My nickel? Don't go out with a girl and her friend unless you've intentions of a menage-a-trois. 'Specially not the first few dates. No matter what "your" girl thinks/feels, her friend's advice is going to weigh in heavily when she's there.
    Perhaps I could understand avoiding the kiss the first night, but to go out with you on a "real" date and then do the same leads me to believe she's playing teenybopper games with you. That's just plain nasty!
    I can't help but wonder what her response was/would be when you ask her what's up with that?

    By Blogger Jewels, at 9:58 AM, January 23, 2005  

  • Was her friend there? Maybe she just considers kissing on the lips too much public display of affection?

    By Blogger M, at 10:25 AM, January 23, 2005  

  • Hoo boy. This is such an individual question. You don't know what's going on in her mind--maybe she thinks you're too intense too quickly, maybe she rushed into her last relationship and she's cautious, maybe she's not sure where you stand...

    I don't think good time equals lip kiss, necessarily. And I don't think that's "teenybopper games"--I just think it's an individual-comfort-level thing. I've been involved in awkward hug-things after a really terrific date, or handshakes, or kisses, depending on seemibgly random factors like how hot or cold it is outside.

    Although, as I'm typing this, it's possible that she's just not that into you. We're a conundrum. What am I supposed to tell you?

    By Blogger Esther Kustanowitz, at 10:46 AM, January 23, 2005  

  • slow down ol' boy. you're pushing the envelope again. i know it's tough teaching an old dog new tricks, but your quick advances haven't payed off once. remember, patience is a virtue of kings. don't let the little head control the big head. in the end grasshopper, you will be rewarded.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:58 AM, January 23, 2005  

  • DING! DING! DING!

    Congrats to Esther. Bloggerpatrol reports that she was my 2,000th customer. She's won a lifetime subscription to this blog and a free autographed copy of the book when it comes out in the year 2010. Hmm, sounds like a punishment rather than a prize. Ah well. E, pls come down to Florida and pick up your claim check.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 11:59 AM, January 23, 2005  

  • I have to agree with Esther. Each girl is different.

    OK... so... maybe I'm a slut, but if I'm into a guy, I'll practically jump him with the goodnight kiss. But then again, I'm *much* more sexually open than many of my girlfriends. I have some friends who didn't even *kiss* until the 3rd or 4th week. WEEK. After many dates. Jump that up if they are religious. The whole making sure you're compatible, etc. Me, I make sure we're physically compatible, b/c that's such an important aspect to me. Like I said, most girls I know are not like me.

    So maybe she's not being nasty at all. Maybe she's just shy. But, if she reads your blog, I have a feeling it's over anyway now, because she probably feels super self conscious and embarrassed of her modesty.

    But then again, she may not be into you, so who knows?

    My Death Move: Don't go out with him again. If she didn't like you the first night, why'd she go on the next day date? Hmmm...

    By Blogger girl from florida, at 12:04 PM, January 23, 2005  

  • I had a recent sorta experience. I met up with a "nice Jewish girl" for coffee. We talked. Got along well. I thought she was really interesting, funny, kind, etc. As it was ending, I said, "let's do this again". She kinda hemmed and hawed about her work tying her up. I said, "Do you want me to ask you again?" and she went into a speech about changes in her life, being busy with work etc. So, I figured "She's just not that into you".
    I have found out since, that she basically wants to stay single for a while, so it's possible we'll just "be friends". So, who knows where it will lead? I kinda wonder why she didn't say off the bet that she's not interested in dating. Would have made the whole thing clearer. Oh well. Just my 2 cents.

    By Blogger Gatsby, at 8:54 PM, January 23, 2005  

  • I had a recent sorta experience. I met up with a "nice Jewish girl" for coffee. We talked. Got along well. I thought she was really interesting, funny, kind, etc. As it was ending, I said, "let's do this again". She kinda hemmed and hawed about her work tying her up. I said, "Do you want me to ask you again?" and she went into a speech about changes in her life, being busy with work etc. So, I figured "She's just not that into you".
    I have found out since, that she basically wants to stay single for a while, so it's possible we'll just "be friends". So, who knows where it will lead? I kinda wonder why she didn't say off the bet that she's not interested in dating. Would have made the whole thing clearer. Oh well. Just my 2 cents.

    By Blogger Gatsby, at 9:00 PM, January 23, 2005  

  • GG, I feel your pain bro'. Ya know, I've been on JDate now for 6 months and I think I'm ready to bag it. I finally got a reply from a nice teacher. It was my third and last try with her. I only tried cuz she visited me. She said she'd write back. I hope she does. If not, I'm taking a JD vacation. Keep me posted. Good luck man. PT

    By Blogger Plantation, at 10:42 PM, January 23, 2005  

  • So where does one go exactly.....to vacation from JDate?? California??? ;-)

    By Blogger mo, at 11:22 PM, January 23, 2005  

  • Wow. I don't think I've ever won anything before, so thanks. I don't have a speech prepared or anything, so I'll be brief:

    I'd like to thank God, who makes all things possible. And here's to all those people who said blogging was a waste of time. Suck on that, America!

    (I'm sorry, were we talking about you?)

    By Blogger Esther Kustanowitz, at 11:52 PM, January 23, 2005  

  • Also, some tough love for Gatsby. If she were really into you, she wouldn't let "busy at work" stop her. That's just my unsolicited two pennies.

    By Blogger Esther Kustanowitz, at 11:53 PM, January 23, 2005  

  • I don't know that I have any patented Death Moves, though I've never thought about that before...

    Maybe she WAS just shy. Especially if her friend was there.

    By Blogger Emily, at 12:15 PM, January 24, 2005  

  • God makes ALL things possible? Where's Nietzsche or Camus?

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 5:20 PM, January 24, 2005  

  • This will be somewhat of a stream of consciousness, but i have a couple of suggestions.

    One, NEVER invite a girl out for the first time with her friend (much less at midnight). She has known the friend a LOT longer than you, and values her opinion. Consequently, that friend can make or break you in one shot, and its sounds like she may have at least aided in breaking you on this one. Let the "date" get to know you, like you, and have a vested interest in keeping you around before she introduces you to the wolfpack. Trust me, the "friends" can be like a pack of lions on a wounded gazelle, and they may have ulterior motives (or just be angry/scorned man haters, you never know), and consequently want to put the kaibash on your dating efforts.

    Two, you might want to lay off the attempts at kissing on your first dates. One issue is that i think you may not be the best at reading womens interest in you, both from a level of interest, and type of interest standpoint. They may be interested in you, but it may be in a friendly fraternal way. Better to hold off on going for the lip lock, and wait for her to give you the definitive go ahead. You will know, if she wants you to kiss her, she WILL make it known. Now, you can try to convince yourself that "nothing ventured, nothing gained", and justify why you think its good to take a stab, but you are wrong (and this example clearly proves that). I would hazard to guess that it has worked few and far between for you up until this point, so bail on that strategy and play hard to get. There is something to be said for the chase, whether it results in a kiss or getting laid (pardon my french). And trust me again, while mens animal instincts love the chase (and thus, to the women readers, the reason why the ones that give it up on date 1 or 2 have very short lived relationships), women love it too.

    One other dating related item. I believe a new issue that has arisen out of the whole internet dating scene, and particularly in the area of non verbal communication (read chat and email), is that people get to know (or at least think they know) the person on a MUCH deeper level than they would if they had gone through a more traditional dating scenario (phone calls, meeting in person, etc...and i am NOT knocking modern dating, at all, i just think it has changed the game) its MUCH easier for a person to open up and tell you things in writing than it would be for them to do the same in person or on the phone. That being said (and this is all based on concrete evidence and data accumulated through a multitude of my friends who are on the internet dating scene), it can cause you to read the situation incorrectly ("wow, this person has really opened up and told me some deep dark secrets, we must be at defcon 4 already"). So after weeks of communicating by email, and feeling like you know the person inside out, you are ready to meet in person, and you think that the "live" meeting will start at the point where your email/chat relationship left off. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. What actually happens is that you both take a step back, and need to reacclimate yourselves to a physical/in person relationship.

    Folks can argue with me, but i promise you, i have spent a few years now observing this behavior, and i truly believe i am right.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:38 AM, January 25, 2005  

  • Well said, Anonymous...well said. Tone of voice is not heard online. You can't see if someone is cracking up while making sexual innuendo in a chat. A person may seem tough and confident and smooth online, yet be reserved and shy offline. There's always the risk of the "ick factor." Everything can seem like kismet online and on the phone, but then you see them in person for the first time and just feel..."ick." It's rare, but incredibly fortunate when you have that chemistry online and then feel it instantaneously when you meet.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:06 PM, January 25, 2005  

  • I'm thinking there is much more to this woman than you've yet come to know. Women present the cheek for a myriad reasons, and I'm wondering if maybe your date wasn't just reserving such a special thing as a lip-kiss for when it seemed the magical moment. You also don't know what she's been through...or is currently going through. I certainly wouldn't label her a bitch before getting to know this beautiful creature much more deeply. You might miss out on something incredible.

    By Blogger Word Dancer, at 2:29 PM, January 26, 2005  

  • Hey WD, tks for your insight into women in general, and apparently, my date. First of all, I like her. I have no ill will toward her at all! One of my readers called her the 'b' word but it wasn't me. Said date and I talked and I know some of the things she's been through and yes, she's been thru hell and I recognize, admire, and applaud her attitude. But we've mutually decided to be friends, OK?

    Secondly, you're probably right about the kiss. My problem in the past has been that I'm too shy. That guy is long gone and perhaps now, I've taken my new confident attitude a bit too far. It's a fine line and I'm still learning. OK?

    Good luck with your new blog...PT


    I'm thinking there is much more to this woman than you've yet come to know. Women present the cheek for a myriad reasons, and I'm wondering if maybe your date wasn't just reserving such a special thing as a lip-kiss for when it seemed the magical moment. You also don't know what she's been through...or is currently going through. I certainly wouldn't label her a bitch before getting to know this beautiful creature much more deeply. You might miss out on something incredible.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 6:57 PM, January 26, 2005  

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