THE STRAW

What was the straw that broke the camel’s back that led me to splendid hibernation? Listen my friends and you shall hear…

I gotta tell ya, this one really baffled me. It all started about a year ago. I found her online. She was attractive, self supportive, a recent divorcee with three kids, and even Jewish. We graduated from emails to phone calls to first date fairly quickly. I honestly didn’t expect much. We had some drinks, light apps, and saw a movie. Well, part of a movie. She couldn’t take the violence of The Departed so we walked out. I suppose that should have been a sign. But she was nice and we got along so it led to a rare second date.

The second date was nice. We actually sat through an entire movie this time, and we had dinner and got to know each other better. During our dinner conversation, it became clear to me that she was not mentally over her divorce yet. She told me she wasn’t ready to have a man come to her house, even just to pick her up. So my take-away here was that at this stage of the game, she wasn’t ready and I needed to give her time to figure herself out.

Fast forward the clock 10 months. I stumbled upon her online profile and decided I’d say hi. She replied back and we agreed we wanted to catch up. Ironically, right after the whole Dallas thing blew up, she called me out of the blue. We had a nice chat. She told me she just had some surgery done and that she wouldn’t be able to go out until the following week. Fair enough. I flew home that Friday and when I landed, I had a voice mail from her. She told me she was feeling a little better and to call her. I called her up and she told me she’d been stuck in her house due to the surgery and she asked me to come over. OK, it was already 9 pm and I needed to go home and change but what the hell. I told her I could make it by 10. She told me she had a secret but wouldn’t tell me until I got there.

She greeted me in her driveway clad in her pajamas. I didn’t hug her because she was sore from the surgery. We went into the house and the first thing she asked me to do was help her reposition the futon from couch to bed so she could be more comfortable. At first we sat up and chatted about her surgery. I think the correct term was umbilical hernia. She had asked me if I was squeamish and I told her that medical grossness wasn’t my strong suite but that I’d made it through Andy’s birth without passing out. And so, she proceeded to show me her scars. Now, in order for her to do that, she had to slide her pj bottoms down off her hips toward her you-know-what. I didn’t see “it” but think about it, there’s not much space between her crotch and her vagina, right? So I saw the scars and I thought sitting there looking at her scars was slightly weird. As if that wasn’t weird enough, she then told me about her little secret.

She got an upgrade. She told me she wanted her boobs back after three pregnancies. So she slid her top up and out so I could see her other scars. I didn’t’ get a full view of her new beauties, but I got an occluded view from the bottom up. She looked good and I told her so. She sat back up and we talked some more, and she asked me a point blank question. Now I at this point, I hadn’t realized I’d lost her but her question to me made me realize her disappointment in me. She asked me where was the guy who wrote the profile online because she thought I was different from that guy. The question threw me as did, I guess, the possible reason for me sitting there in the first place. I guess in her mind, she was looking for the wild and crazy guy who threw caution to the wind. And clearly, I hadn’t showed her that side of me for a myriad of reasons. Let’s take a step back here for a second.

A year ago, this woman was not even interested in dating and couldn’t have a man even drive to her house to pick her up. And now here I am on her bed looking at her private parts. I really thought the whole thing was innocent, but once again I think I misread the entire situation and I guess she was disappointed. We lay down on the bed on our backs next to each other and I proceeded to tell her a few ‘Plantation’ stories of the guy I guess she was looking for. I tried to prove to her that the guy did exist, but that I simply felt this was not the time and place for me to jump on her considering where she was a year ago and what little I knew of her since then.

I was there for around two hours and I told her I’d call her during the week to check up on her and to see if she was read to go out. I called her twice and text’d her twice. No response. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the proverbial straw. I guess she really wanted me to make some sexual advances to her. Who knew? Obviously, I certainly didn’t have a clue. Sure, you read the story here and think, “How could you miss all those signs?” Believe me, if I felt there was an opportunity, I surely would have taken it. But given our previous past and my respect for her, it honestly never entered my mind. Game over.

She even mentioned to me as she questioned me that she liked ‘bad boy’ types. Man, have I heard that a lot this year. Thing is ladies, you like bad boy types and then you bitch about how shitty men treat you. I’m starting not to feel sorry for you any more. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Either we’re too nice or too bad. I guess I can’t win either way. I walk away from the dating scene this year as frustrated and confused as ever to the point where I’ve totally lost interest in trying. Next year is going to be a different year. For many reasons. But more on that later.

STUPIDEST MAN IN AMERICA

Who has your vote? The guy who got away with murder and didn't learn his lesson or the guy who threw away millions and millions for a cheap thrill?

I think O.J. is not operating with a full deck and has serious mental issues; therefore, my vote, by default, goes to Michael Vick.

FLY AWAY

Things around the old office won’t be the same anymore. Almost two years ago, I hired my first employee at my new company. He was my kind of project. A young, smart kid who was eager to learn and one I could coach into something special. And as it turned out, he was a great hire. He showed his smarts, I showed him the ropes, and we had a lot of fun along the way. I know he stuck around longer than he wanted to. He always said he stuck around because of me. We worked well together and had some fun traveling trips where I showed off my bad luck.

But all good things must come to an end. It’s time for the bird to leave the nest. His last day was Friday. He left to start his own business and return to his home country of Colombia. I know he’ll succeed and earn a lot more money than I ever will. Friday was a sad day for me. I did my best to hide it. After he left, I’d pass by his desk and the emptiness of his work area matched the feeling in my stomach. Work, come Monday, won’t be as fun that’s for sure. He made my job a lot easier and I’ll miss that. But I’ll miss his friendship even more.

SPLENDID HIBERNATION

Yes yes, it’s time for me to make like a bear in the winter. Dating season for me is over. Heck, last year I made it to November 2nd before hanging it up. I must say that in my four years post-divorce, this is by far the worst year I’ve had. I’ve really nothing to show for all the people I’ve met this year. I have to think really hard about this, but I don’t believe I even made one friend this year. I don’t believe I’ve kissed anyone this year. And sex? What’s that?

I’ve certainly posted my share of horror stories along the way. Be it long distance or local, nothing has seemed to work for me. With long distance you gotta worry about the Russians and the Africans trying to scam you. Even with the locals, you gotta first figure out if they’re real. And the women I’ve met have mistaken my kindness and niceness for liking them too much too soon. Yes I know, I need to be more aloof, more unavailable, harder to get. That’s something I’ll work on for next year’s dating season. So for now, maestro queue the music. Pete Yorn, take it away (click video)…

Splendid isolation
I don't need no one
Splendid isolation

Don't want to wake up with on one beside me
Don't want to take up with nobody new
Don't want nobody coming by without calling first
Don't want nothing to do with you

MOVIN' ON

I’ve played the part of the fool on several occasions. It’s another one of these troubling patterns that seem to follow me around. Who’s to blame? Well, I definitely blame myself for getting into these certain situations in the first place. But, as they say, it takes two to tango. And for some reason, the women I have come into contact with exhibit behaviors and actions that one would think could only happen in Hollywood. You’ve read about some of them. And believe me, there are others I’ve yet to write about. Now I’m not a religious person as you all know, but I do think there is some sort of divine intervention happening that prevents me from meeting these women. It’s as if the man upstairs, whoever he might be, is telling me, “No, no son, she’s not the right one for you.” Here’s the latest.

“Dallas” and I have had many close calls over the past two years. Meaning, we’ve had opportunities to meet in person yet something or someone has gotten in the way. To put it bluntly, time and again, she has chosen to spend her free time with her family rather than me. Sorta makes it hard to meet, doesn’t it? Each time this happens, it drives me away from her and I lose interest because if I’m truly the man of her dreams, then why wouldn’t you choose, at least once, me over family?

Fast forward the calendar. As luck would have it, I’m in her state traveling on business. She lives about 2 ½ hours away by car. We spoke Monday and finally decided this was gonna be it. We were finally gonna meet. Her first intention was to drive after work on a Tuesday night. She wouldn’t arrive until around 2:30 in the morning but it would give us an extra night together. I was scheduled to go back home on Thursday. I did tell her that she didn’t have to kill herself Tuesday night and that she could leave Wednesday after getting some sleep. We spoke Tuesday night after her work and she was indeed tired. An opportunity missed, but I was totally OK with that and after a heavy phone sex session, we agreed she’d arrive Wednesday just about the time I would get out of work. She told me she took Thursday off, too. I decided to move my departure back one day so at least we could spend a little more time together. It was a sure thing.

But as we’ve come to know, there is no sure thing with me. Wednesday, I was excited and thought about our meeting all day. I figured she’d get here around 5 or 6 so I waited for a text letting me know where she was. Around 4, I finally got a text from her. She said she had to drive home because her grandmother (who has cancer) was really sick. Her text said she would be a little late. Now, I previously knew about her grandmother’s condition so this wasn’t a hoax, and yes, I understood. About two hours later, DG sent me another text saying her grandmother wasn’t doing well, but that she was getting ready to leave to see me. I asked when should I expect her and she told me around 9. She called me on her way and she was about half-way there. She stopped to get gas and said she’d call me back.

I didn’t hear from her until 8:45 when I got a text from her. She said she’d been on the phone with her mom and that her grandmother wasn’t doing well. I told her I’d give her lots of hugs when she arrived. She said she was close and judging by the time, I figured another 15 minutes or so. Silence. I sent her a text around 10 asking her how it was going. She replied, “Not good at all.” I didn’t call her for thinking that she was on the phone with her mom. Another 30 minutes went by and I sent her a text asking if she was still coming. When I didn’t hear anything back, I knew the answer. I finally got a text from her at 11:45 saying, “Am at home but am going to sleep for a couple of hours, wake up, and go to you no matter what.”

I don’t know what happened to ‘no matter what,’ but I’d just about given up all hope when she text’d me Thursday afternoon at 3:45. “Hey I know it’s late but will be on my way if you will still have me.” At that point, my enthusiasm was pretty much gone. Yet I told her she could come if she was up to it but she didn’t have to. She was nice enough to tell me she wanted to and felt like shit for not already being there. So I told her to come. It was 4 p.m. Thursday night was a reprise of Wednesday night. I heard nothing. I sent her a text and called her around 8 asking her where she was and if she was coming. At 9, I got a text from her telling me she had been trying to call me. Funny, my phone never rang. Another night of disappointment.

I woke up Friday morning and decided to end whatever it was we’ve been doing on and off for the past two years. I sent her a text telling her how unacceptable her behavior had been and told her not to contact me anymore. She sent an immediate response telling me her phone hadn’t been working, she tried to call, yada yada yada. It was the first time I’d heard from her since that text the previous night. She also claimed her estranged father “almost overdosed on drugs” and that she had to stay and comfort her aunt.

Yeah I know. It all sounds fishy. The grandmother with cancer, the non-working phone, the overdosed father. I know her grandmother is sick. The rest of it, who knows? The bottom line was that she did to me what so many other women had done and she, more than anyone else, should have known better. She threw at me how I hurt her by seeing other women, but I told her I saw those women because she never could find the time to meet me, instead always choosing to spend her free time with her family over me. And here again, she chose her family over me and that was the final straw.

Whether it was her choice or divine intervention that prevented us from meeting, I look at it as meant to be. I look at it as we were just not meant to meet or be together. Like I said, I think someone is telling me, “It’s for your own good.”

Believe me, I’m not getting into this situation again. I’d already told myself that six weeks ago. But I decided to ‘grandfather’ in two people who I’d already been friends with. Neither situation worked out and so I’m officially done with any long distance relationship. In fact, I’m pretty much done period. See my next post.