WHITE HOT

Photo courtesy of miamiherald.com

It’s hard for me to believe that before last night, I hadn’t ever seen an NBA Playoff game live. Based on last night’s results, I hope it doesn’t take me another 40 years to see another one. Oh sure, the game was exciting, and my home team Miami Heat beat the visiting Chicago Bulls 115-108. Those are obvious reasons for wanting to see another game, but you know me better than that. What makes it exciting for me is the overall experience of actually going to the game and soaking up the sights, sounds, smells (and tastes too for that matter), and the overall feel of 20,000 maniacal strangers all pulling together as one.

You all know my issues with parking, and for once I caught a break. We have a downtown office about three blocks from the arena so I got to park in the employee lot. As I walked closer to the arena, the parking bandits wanted more and more money. It started at $20; $25, $30, $35, and $40 right next to the arena. Amazing. As I walked, I passed through the gauntlet of ticket scalpers and overheard the usual conversations. “I got two. Center court baby, $300 each.” And people listened. I love listening to that racket. Aaah, and then we have the street vendors grilling up some dogs, sausages/chorizos, burgers, and chicken on a stick. Mmm, that ballpark smell. Gotta love it.

One thing that made the game unique was the ‘dress code.’ This year’s theme was White Hot Heat so everyone was asked to dress in a white shirt. It was truly cool (oxymoron not intended) to see all the Heat fans dressed in a sea of white. They even had the seats covered in white. Maybe that contributed to the “buzz” in the arena, but you could feel the excitement and electricity in the air. I don’t know why low-grade pizza and pop corn taste so good while you’re at a game, but they do. The arena even offered up sushi but I just couldn’t convince myself that this was truly ‘game food.’

The game started and the action on the court was fast, furious, and athletic. But my eyes were also on the crowd. I got a kick at watching kids dance to, “Whoop There It Is” and other arena anthem songs. Really cute. I like talking and commiserating with my neighbors about the game, discussing strategy, and bad officiating. People from all walks of life and all different races. Kinda neat. And kinda interesting because I won’t talk to anyone on an airplane. Go figure.

And isn’t just the coolest thing when you actually can share the experience with someone next to you. And to top it all off, it was her idea to go to the game, not mine. Now THAT’S white hot.

TOEIN’ THE LINE

I was focused on the parrot show when I felt a tapping on my shoulder. I turned to my right and saw Andy with this sheepish grin. He didn’t say anything, but he kept smiling. “What,” I finally asked him? He still didn’t say anything, but he was pointing down to the woman sitting next to him. I over in that direction and spotted the woman’s discolored toes. All I could utter was a very juvenile, “Ewwwwwwww.” Well that got Andy going. He giggled and laughed for the next 30 minutes. Another Kodak moment.

And that got me thinking. Some people in this world have a fetish for feet. Not me. I hate feet. Feet are a no win situation. It’s hard to make your feet look good. Sandals are man’s worst invention because it gives clueless people a chance to show off their gross toes in public. I’d say my feet are neutral. Egad, I can barely look at the picture. I dunno; not bad, not good. You be the judge.

I’ll wear sandals or flip flops to the beach but rarely elsewhere. A quick trip to the store or to the gas station but that’s about it. Have you ever been in a restaurant and you glance over at the next table and happen to see sandaled feet that shouldn’t be sandaled? Kinda takes your appetite away, doesn’t it? Maybe I’m being too sensitive again.

I’m conscious that there are many people like me who don’t like to look at feet or toes. I wish more people felt that awareness because if they did, they wouldn’t show me their old, crinkly and fungused hammer toes. Yuck. Wives, girlfriends, husbands, and boyfriends, please don’t let your partners out of the house wearing sandals or flip flops. It can be an utter disgrace. And gals, you’ve got an advantage over us guys cuz you can cover up the toes with some pretty nail polish. Please do so particularly if you’re over 50 because those pretty toe days are long gone now.

You know something? There outta be a law. If you’re over 50, or whatever the age is that one’s toes turn into that mangled mess-look, no sandals can be worn. No showing of feet. And for the rest of you out there, please give your fellow mankind a deserved break and use your discretion. There are already enough things in this world to gross us out.

LIFE'S A BEACH

searching for the perfect seashell...


In my college macro economics class, Sanford V. Berg taught us the concept of TINSTAAFL (pronounced like waffle, got it?). We’ve all heard about this concept. Class, repeat after me, “There Is No Such Thing As A Free Lunch.” But did the great Sanford Berg steer me wrong? While on vacation, I thought about this concept of ‘Free.’ I guess it occurred to me because in one day, I observed three different kinds of Free.

Andy and I were at a Baltimore Orioles spring training baseball game. Baseball games are slow and easy-going. They give you plenty of time to think about things like toes (upcoming post) and Free. Anyway, upon entering the stadium, already $5 in the hole because parking isn’t free, we were handed Oriole schedule magnets. Free. There were piles of them. Free. Fast forward to the eighth inning, Andy and I got up to get an ice cream, and I left our magnets on my chair. A man was kind enough to tell me I had left them, but I told him we’d be right back. Upon our return, the magnets were gone. Now THAT’S low. Why would anyone steal free magnets? People! They’re free!! I looked around for guilty faces but couldn’t tell who the culprit was.

Then at the game’s conclusion, I watched in utter disbelief as an elderly lady walked down every row in my section, looking underneath chairs, and eventually finding what she was looking for. Half-eaten bags of peanuts. She picked up every one she found and put the bags in her plastic shopping bag. Free. Gross, but free. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, I guess.

Let me get back to parking for a second or two. Parking is rarely free. Is there any bigger rip-off going? You attend an event and you have to pay additionally to park. It can be upwards of $30 sometimes depending on the event. I mean, you leave your car in an open space. What are we paying for? Are we paying for those flag waiving idiots telling you to park in a space you’d rather not park in? Your car sits in a lot and you pay for THAT? Easy money. That annoys me. You can hardly go anywhere without paying for parking. I’d rather they charge me more to get in and give me free parking. Same difference I know, bit it just feels better to me.

I think far and away the best concept of Free and the absolute best bargain going is the beach. Now that’s what I call free. Think about all the wonderful free benefits. You can get a great healthy tan, you can swim, see unique sea life in the clear ocean, play volleyball, football, soccer, jog in scenic surroundings, build sand castles, collect free souvenirs, endless seashells, have a picnic, that feeling of warm sand squishing between your toes, and oh the people watching! All the pretty people struttin’ their thongs or Schwarzeneggar bodies, depending on what you’re into. And what about the people who have no business struttin’? Fat guys in Speedos? Yeesh. And how about the relaxing factor? Listening to the crashing waves, breathing in all that wonderful fresh air, the sounds of seagulls, good grief man, is there anything better? And of course there’s the romance factor. How great is it walking hand-in-hand, feet in the water, watching the sun rise or set? Need I say more? And it’s all free. Well, except for that damn parking meter thing. Don’t get me started on that again…

SUCKER

“There’s a sucker born every minute.”
P.T. Barnum

I think P.T. had me in mind when he made this famous quote. I don’t know what it is. Maybe I have a target on my back that I’m not aware of? I’m the guy who gets approached by bums on street corners seeking money. I’m the guy who gets cornered by one of those mall surveyors. I’m the guy who can’t say no to girl scouts selling cookies or boy scouts raising money for a convention. And most recently, I seem to be the guy that strange women from foreign lands want to marry and take my money. It’s the latter story that got me wondering why people see me and immediately recite P.T.’s quote.

Her picture was blonde and beautiful. And I noticed she lived in Miami of all places yet I hadn’t seen her online. So I wrote her a quick email saying hi and asking her to write back if she had an interest. I figured that would be the end of that. It usually is. But much to my surprise, she wrote me back. She was brief, but she said she was interested. She gave me her yahoo IM and email address, Janetsara@yahoo.com, and from there, the adventure began on March 25th.

During our first IM chat, the first questions she asked me were what did I do for a living, was I single, where did I live, did I live alone, and what kind of car did I drive. In her broken English, she then asked me what I wanted to know about her because she really had an interest in me. I told her I’d seen her picture and noticed we lived close, and I told her I’d like to meet her some day. She asked why, “So we can make love?”

Yeah, I know. A million red flags. And I hadn’t even asked her any questions yet. I didn’t ask her much. I asked her what she did for a living and where was she from. She said she was a model from Florida but that she was presently working in Africa. I asked her when was she coming back and she wasn’t sure. Her English was bad. I thought perhaps she was Latin and tried speaking Spanish. She didn’t understand. She told me she lost her mom and dad so she was looking for a nice man to stay with and make love with. Uh huh.

I tried to fish around some more and solve the mystery of her broken English. I asked her where her folks were from originally. She said U.S. I asked her what she was looking for in a man, companionship or a relationship. Her answer? “Kool.” She told me she has interest in me (again) and that I was the first man of her life. She loved me and that we were one now. Awwww. I tried more questions. Where was she born? Who did she model for? What was her last name? She said Miami, MTV, and Janet Sara. I pressed her on the name and she finally came up with Smith. I pressed on. I asked why her English wasn’t so good, as if she was not from the U.S. I told her she needed to be honest with me. She said, “I swear to god, I can’t lie u. So my live have u get a fine room for me?” Clearly suspicious now, I told her I had many friends at MTV and that they will know her. Her story changed. Not working for MTV. I asked her if she was from Africa, she said no. She said she loved me with all her heart and to write soon. And thus ended our first conversation. She sent me some more pictures. More of the same. Pretty blonde posing like it was right out of a magazine shoot.

Ironically, three days later, I got a canned email from match.com telling all the lovelies in my neighborhood. There staring me in the face was the very same picture she sent me with the username Tammyhonest. I read the profile. It appears that Janet Sara was born in Spain and moved to Africa. Hmmm. I decided to call her bluff during our next chat.

I asked her what her real name was, Janet or Sara or Tammy or none. She told me someone in Africa stole her pics and impersonated her and that they were in jail now. Five minutes later, the profile disappeared off match.com. She said she couldn’t lie to me and that was the truth. Uh huh. She reiterated she grew up in Miami not Spain. I asked her what High School she attended. She told me, “Yeshiva Gedolah Rabbinical College Inc Miami.” She later changed her answer to Miami Springs Senior High. I asked her for her real name and she repeated, Janet Sara Smith. I told her that her story was suspicious so she decided to turn the tables on me. Why did I get an email from match? Am I dating others? Am I sure I’m single? I told her we needed to meet to resolve all these issues. She asked for “a kissing” and not to think bad of her because she was honest with me.

Her story grew more interesting. I figured I’d play along and wait until she eventually got around to asking me for money. I continued to ask her questions about her modeling work and, and she continued with her charade. After a week of this nonsense, I’d finally had enough. Here is some of the ‘best of chat’ for your amusement.

zzinger205 (3/29/2006 11:57:13 PM): what do you do all day, Janet???
janet sara (3/29/2006 11:57:36 PM): working
zzinger205 (3/29/2006 11:58:37 PM): what do you do when you work???
janet sara (3/29/2006 11:59:13 PM): am just talking with my boss
zzinger205 (3/29/2006 11:59:26 PM): tell me what you do for work , janet
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:00:11 AM): am just talking my love
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:00:25 AM): are you modeling there?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:00:49 AM): yea my love
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:01:10 AM): what did you model today???
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:01:30 AM): i dnt mode; today my love
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:01:47 AM): so what have you been doing?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:02:02 AM): am just wait my boss
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:03:19 AM): what does your boss tell you to do??
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:04:14 AM): we are just talking about u
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:05:06 AM): oh? what are you guys saying?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:05:30 AM): told him i just meat a man
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:06:13 AM): what is his name?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:06:25 AM): richard
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:14:06 AM): does he treat you well?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:15:04 AM): AS HOW
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:15:16 AM): is he nice and does he respect you?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:15:26 AM): not really
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:15:59 AM): well why put up with it then?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:16:24 AM): when there is no work for me
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:21:56 AM): did i told u about my dad money
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:22:05 AM): no
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:22:18 AM): govement want to give my dad like 100000$
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:22:29 AM): why? which government?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:22:40 AM): u know he work with govement
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:22:50 AM): usa govement
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:23:38 AM): they say i should come with my boyfriend to come and collect it
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:23:54 AM): where?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:24:16 AM): at the state
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:24:22 AM): florida?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:24:37 AM): yea my love
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:24:41 AM): miami
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:24:54 AM): so my love what do u think we can use the money to do when we collect it
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:25:07 AM): it's not mine, it's yours
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:25:17 AM): bcos is me and u that we are going to collect the money
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:25:24 AM): is for me
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:25:29 AM): why do you need me to collect with you?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:25:34 AM): am the nextofking
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:26:15 AM): when they told me i should come with my boyfriend
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:27:22 AM): what do u think we can use the money to do when we collect the money
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:27:59 AM): well you need to decide where you want to live
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:28:14 AM): am living with u that is for sure
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:28:23 AM): you don't know that yet
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:28:29 AM): we haven't even met?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:28:32 AM): do u think am playing game with u
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:28:54 AM): i don't know janet. we need to meet first
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:29:00 AM): you may not even like me
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:29:39 AM): do you know where the governmemt office is located?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:29:40 AM): i really love u
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:31:22 AM): so we are going to washington dc
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:31:32 AM): to collect the money when am with u
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:31:45 AM): you have to go to washington dc to get the money?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:31:47 AM): what do u think we can use the money to do
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:31:58 AM): yea my love
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:32:12 AM): i cannot go to washington
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:32:51 AM): so now who we follow me there as my boyfriend
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:33:05 AM): why do you need a boyfriend? you don't
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:33:14 AM): that is what they told me
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:33:31 AM): do u have up to 100000$ in your account
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:33:37 AM): no
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:33:55 AM): like how much u have in your account
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:34:08 AM): why is that important?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:34:23 AM): i dnt know
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:34:57 AM): you ask some strange questions janet
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:35:09 AM): i don't have a lot of money if that is what you want
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:35:12 AM): ok my love
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:35:19 AM): ok
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:35:20 AM): you are better off finding a rich man
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:35:27 AM): no
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:35:29 AM): am not
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:35:35 AM): i really want u
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:35:53 AM): i cant wait to fuck u
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:36:43 AM): why would you want to fuck me without having met me?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:37:05 AM): that is what am telling u that when am with u
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:37:29 AM): i have to go now
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:38:32 AM): ok
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:38:43 AM): give me a kissing
zzinger205 (3/30/2006 12:38:43 AM): when are you coming to florida?
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:39:02 AM): i told u like 2 weeks now
janet sara (3/30/2006 12:39:21 AM): am going now

janet sara (4/1/2006 12:30:26 PM): my love let us talk about the money i want to collect from the govement
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:30:31 PM): ok
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:30:56 PM): so my love what do u think we can use the money to do when we collect the money
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:31:22 PM): this is your money Janet. It's your decision
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:31:34 PM): no
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:31:40 PM): yes
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:31:43 PM): is our money
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:31:47 PM): no: your money
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:31:58 PM): are u not my lover
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:31:59 PM): i don't want it..it's yours
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:32:27 PM): i am different janet. i am not about money
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:32:41 PM): i know my love
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:33:17 PM): you need to figure out what you want to do with your life and where you want to live
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:33:31 PM): that's how you decide what to do with your money
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:33:55 PM): my love dnt talk like that again
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:35:28 PM): so where is your car
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:35:35 PM): outside
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:35:51 PM): how many do u have '
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:35:54 PM): 1
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:36:18 PM): ok my master
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:36:23 PM): are u the owne of the house
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:36:26 PM): no
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:36:28 PM): is it your house ?
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:36:30 PM): no
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:36:36 PM): i rent
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:36:57 PM): so where is yours
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:36:58 PM): i really think you need a man with a lot of money to take good care of you...
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:37:14 PM): it seems this is what you seek
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:37:21 PM): no my love
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:37:40 PM): you ask many questions about my car, house and bank account..this is not customary
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:38:28 PM): i wish i knew your true story janet
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:38:39 PM): i wish you could be totally honest with me
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:39:34 PM): am honest
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:39:40 PM): i told to sorry
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:40:00 PM): i will no ask u any qesution again
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 12:40:46 PM): there are so many men here in miami with lots of cars and houses and money..why don't you try to hook up with them?
janet sara (4/1/2006 12:41:38 PM): no i dnt like that
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 1:58:42 PM): what do you like to eat, Janet?
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 1:58:53 PM): what are some of your favorites?
janet sara (4/1/2006 1:59:01 PM): wow
janet sara (4/1/2006 1:59:03 PM): and u
zzinger205 (4/1/2006 1:59:55 PM): you don't seem to understand some of my questions..how come?
janet sara (4/1/2006 2:00:15 PM): i understand
janet sara (4/1/2006 2:00:27 PM): see rice and beans
janet sara (4/1/2006 2:00:36 PM): that is for best food

zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:33:24 PM): tell me about your day. what did you do?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:33:40 PM): am just sleeping
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:33:55 PM): my love i dnt want to tell u what happen to me
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:34:22 PM): you can tell me anything
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:34:38 PM): i cant find my boss again
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:35:01 PM): he has run away with all my money that the company give us
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:35:41 PM): what do yo mean run away?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:36:11 PM): i cant see him again
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:36:17 PM): why?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:36:33 PM): i dnt know
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:36:42 PM): what is the name of your company. i'll call them for you
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:36:44 PM): he has pack all is load
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:36:58 PM): can u call them now
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:37:10 PM): where are they located?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:37:34 PM): +\2348056918832
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:37:42 PM): 2348056918832
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:37:55 PM): what is your company name?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:38:28 PM): FTOM
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:39:08 PM): can you spell it out for me?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:39:13 PM): call them now
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:39:32 PM): F T OM
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:39:52 PM): call them now
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:40:26 PM): what do you want me to say?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:40:58 PM): just tell them about my boss that u are my hushand
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:41:22 PM): what country is that?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:41:43 PM): nigeria
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:42:05 PM): i thought you worked for a miami company?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:42:24 PM): no
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:43:45 PM): why don't you call the police?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:44:12 PM): they cant find him
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:44:35 PM): i am sure they will. he can't hide forever
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:44:48 PM): i know that
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:45:02 PM): they told me he in south africa
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:46:13 PM): who told you?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:46:23 PM): the police men
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:46:37 PM): why don't you have the police call your office?: or better yet, go there
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:47:06 PM): i told is only me and him that work only in the office in FL
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:48:09 PM): what is his name?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:49:06 PM): robert
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:49:24 PM): what is his last name?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:50:46 PM): cooper
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:51:25 PM): there is no phone where?
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:51:41 PM): at the office in FL
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:51:51 PM): he has lock it up
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:52:04 PM): you told me before his name was richard
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:52:26 PM): richard cooper
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:52:41 PM): you just told me his name was robert
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:53:45 PM): they dnt have office here
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:53:53 PM): we juat come a modelling
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:57:38 PM): i want to go and sleep now
zzinger205 (4/4/2006 10:58:21 PM): sweet dreams
janet sara (4/4/2006 10:58:22 PM): am just think about how i will get back to state

janet sara (4/5/2006 2:29:05 PM): i have not eating abything seen
janet sara (4/5/2006 2:29:26 PM): anything
zzinger205 (4/5/2006 2:29:43 PM): why
janet sara (4/5/2006 2:29:54 PM): i have no money to eat
zzinger205 (4/5/2006 2:30:11 PM): maybe u can find work
janet sara (4/5/2006 2:30:41 PM): here?
zzinger205 (4/5/2006 2:30:45 PM): yes
janet sara (4/5/2006 2:31:06 PM): there is no work
zzinger205 (4/5/2006 2:33:41 PM): janet, people must work in nigeria. there must be jobs there
janet sara (4/5/2006 2:34:17 PM): my love can u help me with just 120$ to eat
zzinger205 (4/5/2006 2:34:43 PM): you're gonna need to find another man to send you money
janet sara (4/5/2006 2:34:55 PM): no
zzinger205 (4/5/2006 2:35:01 PM): someone not as smart as me
janet sara (4/5/2006 2:35:08 PM): no
zzinger205 (4/5/2006 2:35:12 PM): am sorry
janet sara (4/5/2006 2:35:14 PM): there si no problem
zzinger205 (4/5/2006 2:35:41 PM): i've known all along that you would eventually ask me for money
zzinger205 (4/5/2006 2:36:09 PM): if the government owes you $100,000, wny don't you go get it?
janet sara (4/5/2006 2:36:26 PM): i cant get it here
zzinger205 (4/5/2006 2:36:52 PM): have them send you a ticket and they can take the money out of what they owe you
zzinger205 (4/5/2006 2:37:37 PM): i am sorry i don't believe all of your stories
janet sara (4/5/2006 2:37:37 PM): not worry
zzinger205 (4/5/2006 2:37:45 PM): you need to find a new man that will believe you
janet sara (4/5/2006 2:37:46 PM): ?
janet sara (4/5/2006 2:38:00 PM): ok bye
zzinger205 (4/5/2006 2:38:16 PM): good luck janet sara tammy

Now I suppose I’m not alone and there must be all sorts of scamming going on out there in the world of internet. This isn’t the first time either this sort of thing has happened to me. Aaah, P.T. What a smart man you were to come up with that quote so many years ago. I qualify. But I just wonder how the heck they can see that lollipop stick coming out from the top of my head because, mirror mirror, I can’t see it.

EARRIGATION

It’s rare that I’m sick and an even rarer (is that even a word?) occurrence for me to see a doctor. If I go to a doctor, I’m likely not too many steps away from my death bed. I’ve had this vise-gripping headache for like three weeks now which turned into fever, cold, and the whole nine yards. Plus, I feel like I’m underwater and can’t hear anything. It got to the point where it was keeping me up even later than normal. So I caved and went to see a doctor.

Well first of all I’ve noticed a trend with doctors. They’re becoming more like dentists because you never see them. Seems as if Physician’s Assistants (PAs) are in vogue. I guess I don’t mind. I’ve had pretty good luck with PAs.

Shannon was nice. Lucky for me she’s married so I don’t have to worry about any CBG-like complications. She stuck that ear-thingy in me and noticed all kinds of fluid and stuff. She told me that all had to be cleaned out for starters so she had the nurse do what’s called and ear lavage or an ear irrigation. Seemed harmless enough. Wrong.

To me, if you’re dealing with the ear, you kinda need a deft touch, dontcha? And I should hope that the nurses have undergone plenty of training not only on dummies but also on real patients. Like if the patient screams in pain, they probably need to keep practicing or simply be kept away from patients. I think both are the case for my nurse.

She barely spoke English so I’m not even sure she could understand me clearly. She came in with two plastic trays and a syringe a mile-long. I started to worry about this ‘harmless’ procedure. I couldn’t imagine that thing fitting into my ear and being comfortable. And how in the world was all that hydrogen peroxide going to fit in that tiny ear hole? The answer to those questions is, “not very well.”

What an experience. The nurse jammed that syringe into my ear and didn’t waste any time emptying the peroxide. Think of someone blowing hard into your ear. Can you imagine how loud and painful that could be? Well add the speedy rush of hydrogen peroxide and I think you get the picture. I have a high threshold for pain, but man-oh-man, OWWW. That pain rippled right through my head and left me plenty dizzy not to mention she soaked me with the peroxide. I told her I was surprised it hurt so much, but I’m not even sure she understood me. Before I knew it, she reloaded the syringe and was at it again. Well, she was certainly breaking down my threshold because the pain was even worse the second time around. Then she gave me the good news that she had to do it once more.

I mean, she injected me so quickly. Can you imagine that force? I’m sure there has to be some degree of force but I’d sure like to have the use of my ear for the rest of my life. I asked her if she could try doing it more slowly. She tried. It was better, but I was mush by then. That simple procedure left me with a worse headache, completely dizzy, and soaked to the bone. I guess the good news is that she cleaned me out. Whatever “stuff” that was in the tray was truly gross.

When the PA came back in, I had her look at my soaked clothes and I asked her if this is how they initiated all their new patients? She looked at me in amazement and actually laughed at me. I guess it was funny. I was a total mess, inside and out. She stuck the ear thingy back in me and confirmed I had an inner ear infection. I’m hoping the meds she prescribed start kicking in soon. I’m tired of feeling like I have two heads. I hope my painful experience can at least be beneficial to you. I guess my advice is this. If you’re ever asked if you’d like one of these ‘lavages,’ kindly refuse and instead ask for a Q-Tip.

FLORIDA GATORS - NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!!!

photos courtesy of AP and ESPN.com

We interrupt this blog to congratulate my alma mater The University of Florida Gators on their first ever NCAA Basketball National Championship!


Way to go, Coach Billy Donovan, Joakim Noah, Corey Brewer, Taurean Green, Lee Humphrey and the rest of the GATORS!!!