TOEIN’ THE LINE

I was focused on the parrot show when I felt a tapping on my shoulder. I turned to my right and saw Andy with this sheepish grin. He didn’t say anything, but he kept smiling. “What,” I finally asked him? He still didn’t say anything, but he was pointing down to the woman sitting next to him. I over in that direction and spotted the woman’s discolored toes. All I could utter was a very juvenile, “Ewwwwwwww.” Well that got Andy going. He giggled and laughed for the next 30 minutes. Another Kodak moment.

And that got me thinking. Some people in this world have a fetish for feet. Not me. I hate feet. Feet are a no win situation. It’s hard to make your feet look good. Sandals are man’s worst invention because it gives clueless people a chance to show off their gross toes in public. I’d say my feet are neutral. Egad, I can barely look at the picture. I dunno; not bad, not good. You be the judge.

I’ll wear sandals or flip flops to the beach but rarely elsewhere. A quick trip to the store or to the gas station but that’s about it. Have you ever been in a restaurant and you glance over at the next table and happen to see sandaled feet that shouldn’t be sandaled? Kinda takes your appetite away, doesn’t it? Maybe I’m being too sensitive again.

I’m conscious that there are many people like me who don’t like to look at feet or toes. I wish more people felt that awareness because if they did, they wouldn’t show me their old, crinkly and fungused hammer toes. Yuck. Wives, girlfriends, husbands, and boyfriends, please don’t let your partners out of the house wearing sandals or flip flops. It can be an utter disgrace. And gals, you’ve got an advantage over us guys cuz you can cover up the toes with some pretty nail polish. Please do so particularly if you’re over 50 because those pretty toe days are long gone now.

You know something? There outta be a law. If you’re over 50, or whatever the age is that one’s toes turn into that mangled mess-look, no sandals can be worn. No showing of feet. And for the rest of you out there, please give your fellow mankind a deserved break and use your discretion. There are already enough things in this world to gross us out.