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Chasing The American Dream

August 09, 2005


So before this goes too far,
Let me tell you what you are.
You're amazing, I'm attracted,
But I'm terribly distracted.
And I'm trying to be verbal,
And I'm back into this circle.
Cause I just found someone special,
And that's really something special.
If you knew me,
Nice to meet you anyway…

Lyrics by Gavin DeGraw

I had been in 7th Heaven that night a year ago today. We were standing on the balcony a mere 20 feet from Gavin as he sang that song. As we listened to the lyrics, I looked into her beautiful blue eyes and said to her, “Whatever you do, don’t ever say those words to me.” She didn’t reply. Instead, CBG scrunched up her face as if to say, “That’s sooo not fair.” No, it really wasn’t fair because it really could have been her saying those lyrics to me...

This past weekend was a good test for me. There was not a lot to do and I had lots of time on my hands to think. That’s usually dangerous for me. If I survived the weekend, maybe I *could* finally be med-free? You see, that night was one of the best of my life. I had a long-anticipated ‘date’ with CBG. I just reread the chapter in my book about it. It grabbed my by the heart, made my stomach tense, made me sad, and made me happy all at once. I might as well finish up telling you the whole story.

So where did I leave off? Well, after we met at the doctor’s office, I sent her some
cookies, she told me she had a live-in boyfriend, I sent her some CDs, she sent me a surprise email from her vacation, and from there, all hell broke loose. We started talking on the phone and emailing throughout her vacation. A beautiful bond was forming between us. She traveled on to a medical conference where she was greeted with a deluxe bouquet of flowers and chocolate-covered strawberries.

We talked a lot about her relationship with her boyfriend. She loved him, but seemed unsure, unhappy, or unfulfilled. She even talked of breaking up with him. Maybe I came at the right time? I seemed to provide her what she was missing in her life. Yet, and rightfully so, she told me she couldn’t commit to anything until when and if we met in person. I suggested we meet for drinks and then go to the Gavin DeGraw concert. Before she returned home, she told me she’d think it over and let me know.

After she returned home, the inevitable happened. She told me she just couldn’t break up with him and that she needed to give him a chance to make changes. But she agreed to go to the concert with me so all hope wasn’t lost. Yep, I had one date to convince her that I was the one for her. Not too much pressure, huh?

I knew I might never see her again after that night so I did feel the pressure. She called me 10 minutes before our ‘date’ and told me she felt really guilty about going out with me and that she wanted it to be a ‘just friends’ thing and not a date. Wow, she really threw me. I was already starting off on the wrong foot and the ‘date’ or non-date hadn’t even started yet. I told here she was going to have to give me a little latitude because, after all, this was my one and only shot at this. I could have left the flowers in the car, but I decided to give them to her anyway. She was thrilled and not mad in the least.

We walked inside the bar/restaurant and sat in some comfy couches and talked. It was horrible. We were rehashing all the serious conversations we’d previously had and secretly I knew I’d lost her. I’d blown it right off the bat. Or so I thought. Gradually, things turned around. We joked, we laughed, we shared some wine and food and ended up having a really sweet time.

We went on to the concert where we spent the next four hours laughing, talking, and listening to the music. I kept not wanting the night to end. I was smitten. I thought she was, too but would that be enough to win her over? I walked her to her car where I surprised her with a trunk full of desserts. It was supposed to have been a little private beach party, but given her non-date request, I scraped the idea. Sharing chocolate mousse cake on her trunk at 2 a.m. was the perfect way to end our non-date. No kiss. I gave her a hug instead. Indeed, it was the last ‘date’ we ever had.

We went roundabout for the next seven weeks. I wrote her
poems and short stories, and saw her occasionally at our spot. I was losing the battle. I knew it; I even wrote myself a letter. Eventually she chose her boyfriend over me. Sure, I’m an idiot. I took a big risk and got hurt, but to me, it was worth taking the chance to find my Mrs. Right. I’ve only seen her once in the past year and that was a follow-up visit. We’re still friends, but she’s getting married in four weeks.

Man, I sure have writtten a lot of posts about her, haven't I? I promise, I'm done now. I guess it's my way of cleansing or processing all that's happened. And so this weekend was a time for reflection. I made it through. Sure I was sad and wondered what might have been if my timing, karma, or whatever was better aligned with the stars. I think I’ll always wonder. And, I think my head will always shake automatically anytime I hear Gavin sing,
“So before this goes too far, let me tell you what you are. You're amazing, I'm attracted, but I'm terribly distracted. And I'm trying to be verbal, and I'm back into this circle. Cause I just found someone special, and that's really something special. If you knew me, nice to meet you anyway...


  • Beautiful bitter sweet post.Although it might not have worked out-its just going to lead to bigger and better things including "Ms. Right" who is more wonderful than you ever imagined. Can't wait to read the book!

    By Anonymous Alexis, at 10:47 AM, August 09, 2005  

  • I think you did well risking to get hurt if you felt you had a strong connection with her.... And surely she must have felt the same.. but sometimes women are not risky at all and prefer to adjust themselves to someone they don't really love so intensely but whom they know and trust... or maybe she was in love with her boyfriend but just a bit confused.. But do not hurt yourself in thinking what could have happened.
    Really hope you got over it and will meet soon someone to share a perfect chocolate mousse... That's very original and thoughtful..
    ps. can you also bake cakes? I found myself that can be a nice way of spending some time in lonely weekend.. ciao from milan!

    By Blogger mariel, at 12:03 PM, August 09, 2005  

  • Ah love - I remember that. A friend of mine is going through a similar thing.
    Does the guy risk losing safety, comfort, and everything he's known for the intense feeling he feels with her right now? He never knew what love felt like until he met her? What's one to do?
    You've made it through a lot harder times and you'll make it through this one med free as well. Applauds all around for planning what sounds like a perfect date.

    By Blogger Sass, at 3:52 PM, August 09, 2005  

  • Thanks everyone for the kind words. Welcome Miss Temple. Wow, this blog's now gone international. Cool!

    By Blogger Plantation, at 9:12 PM, August 09, 2005  

  • This is more a question than a comment, since I was surprised at the fervor with which a very smooth and romantic plantation pursued a very cool, unique, refreshing, and involved cherry blossom girl.
    So if there is some way to do this without sounding rude (I promise this is genuine curiosity), I want to know the general perspective on romantic pursuit of people seriously commited in a relationship. When I was dating I assumed married women/girls with serious boyfriends were simply unavailable...was I needlessly cutting off a large portion of the dating pool? And how do women with relationships respond to their suitors? I'm sorry if this sounds naive, I really don't know and wondered if anyone had some insight.

    By Blogger Kelly, at 8:40 AM, August 10, 2005  

  • You are one step closer to that special someone. It will happen when you least expect.

    By Blogger Miladysa, at 2:31 PM, August 10, 2005  

  • Thanks Milady for the premonition.

    Kelly, no offense taken and you can be rude, no worries. Here’s the thing, and this is my view so remember there are two sides to every story and the other side reads this blog {I think). You’ve said ‘serious boyfriend’ and frankly, who knows what that means anymore. In all honesty, in my very first email to CBG, I asked her what her relationship status was. She basically told me “boyfriend but…” “Boyfriend but” is my weakness. It’s happened more than once. I hear the complaints and the unhappiness so I honestly feel the relationship really isn’t that solid. We start out being friends and, me being me, I just try to make their lives a little special. I seem to provide what’s missing, perhaps. And so it goes and goes. I guess it dupes me into thinking I have a realistic chance. In reality, I guess I never did. By the time they tell me they have a boyfriend who they love, it’s too late because I’ve already fallen. Lessons learned hopefully because I still struggle with losing out on CBG. Does that help?

    By Blogger Plantation, at 10:44 PM, August 10, 2005  

  • Thanks for schooling me, Plantation. I posted my answers on my blog.


    By Blogger Thomas, at 12:01 AM, August 11, 2005  

  • You seriously think Stephanie Klein, the Greek Tragedy Cow can write? Perhaps it's becaues your writing is so pathetically poor. Why do you continue to give her props on her writing? Shit, this girl is nothing but a trashy, freckly, former fat tramp who wishes she was the next Sex and The City chick. You must have a sad little life.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:16 AM, August 11, 2005  

  • Anon, I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder both in terms of physical appearance and writing. Her writing moves me. Maybe that is, in fact sad, but I can live with that. And I don't think my writing is particularly good either. I think I'm more of a reporter than a writer. Thanks for your opinion and the visit.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 4:52 AM, August 11, 2005  

  • Thanks for the clarification plantation (...the dalmations of the nation give a standing ovation). I never was completely comfortable in that crazy world of romance and whatnot; I guess that's why I became a scientist.
    I can see how arbitrary the epithet "serious boyfriend" can be attached. But women in love are a pretty sticky emotional thing, from my experience. And people can be unhappy under any number of circumstances. I mean, would it be the same if the response had been "married, but...?" Or is there a distinction between husband and boyfriend that transcends the flare of the romantic pseudo-frenchmen inside would-be suitors?
    Again, thanks for the response and insight. I really do ask out of curiosity and with no offense intended.

    By Blogger Kelly, at 9:40 AM, August 11, 2005  

  • I always find it funny when people who degrade others on a blog leave their comment as "anonymous" Dude... grow some balls.

    By Anonymous Alexis, at 1:26 PM, August 11, 2005  

  • you might consider showing up at the wedding and pulling a Benjamin

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:10 PM, August 11, 2005  

  • Hey anon, believe me, I've thought of that scenario a thousand times already. Seriously. But I've decided to just let her go. No storybook ending here.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 1:11 AM, August 12, 2005  

  • I'm one for going after people who are emotionally available. There is something tempting in chasing after the dream girl - the challenge, the risk. But at the end of the day, it's just so much more satisfying being with someone who's actually in the place in life to reciprocate your feelings.

    By Blogger Novembergrace, at 2:19 AM, August 12, 2005  

  • it's always seemed pretty obvious to me that if someone declares, at the beginning of a friendship, that they are "involved" with someone else, that they might as well be wearing a big sign that says "You can be my friend but don't get any romantic ideas". I've had a couple of great friendships with guys that have started that way. If you start developing stong feelings for the person, you need to be
    honest about it and back off.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:24 AM, August 12, 2005  

  • I had an awful experience pursuing a woman who was dating someone. We became very close friends, but there was obviously that other guy that kept us separate. I left town and got over it. She broke up with him and later married someone else. We've stayed good friends since.
    It worked out ok, but I went through a lot of pain wishing they'd break up. It's definitely not worth it. The timing just has to be there.

    By Blogger Gatsby, at 10:02 PM, August 15, 2005  

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