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Chasing The American Dream

May 28, 2005


Out of the blue. I was sitting there at a live Marlins baseball game when I felt the cell vibrate. I saw the caller ID and almost dropped the phone in disbelief. It was *her.* CBG. Of all times, why now? The ballpark was so noisy, I knew I wouldn’t be able to hear her. I answered. I heard faint, “hello.” I heard her say she was at some medical conference and she was bored. Wow, did *that* bring back some memories (details in forthcoming posts). I told her where I was and that I’d call her back as soon as the game was over. My mind started conjuring up all sorts of scenarios. So what happened already?

Well, I called her back after the game. The background was noisy. Her voice was enthusiastic, happy. But I noticed her speech was, I’d say, more than slightly slurred. I didn’t want to say anything, but then she volunteered. She was in the hotel bar having a few merlots. Truth serum. Merlot. Kinda loosens you up, makes you talk more freely. And it was working. She told me the wedding date was September 4th. I sensed self-doubt in her response. I told everyone at some point has doubts. But she kept saying, “I don’t know, I don’t know.” I sensed she wanted to say something. “What? What is it,” I asked her?

You may accuse me of wishing and dreaming, but I know it was there. She and I have a bond. Unspoken perhaps, but you just know it’s there. She started to tell me. “Well Todd, it’s just that…” and she trailed off. I told her to just spit it out. I told her I needed to know. I needed to have closure. If I was Sam Kineson as Professor Turgeson in the movie Back To School, I’da screamed to her ‘SAAAAY IT!!!’ But she just said, “oh I can’t go there, I just can’t go there.” I pleaded but to no avail. She started blabbing about some 83-yr-old man next to her who told her he paid $25,000 for a hooker weekend. I guess the bottom line was that it wasn’t what she said, but rather what she *didn’t* say.

I think given another lifetime, another time, another place, I’d have married her. I think she believes this also. We spoke about great memories. We’ll always have those. No matter how hard we try not to, we’ll always think of each other every time we hear “Run” by Snow Patrol and “Somewhere Only We Know” by Keane. How interesting is it that my next two concerts are Snow Patrol (tonight) and Keane in two weeks. We met almost a year ago today, and so our whirlwind romance began. This is a tough time of year for me. I hate those, last year I was doing such-and-such or seeing so-and-so. I know when I hear “Run” tonight, all the memories will come flooding back to me. Like last night, I may shed a tear thinking about the happy, fleeting moments we shared.

There are some loves in our lives that we truly never get over. Or maybe it’s just me. Some will always find a small place in my heart. They’ll stay there because they made me a part of who I am today. Pain, hurt, sorrow, love, they are all part of the equation. But it’s the love I’ll always remember, and remember fondly with a smile on my face. Case closed.


  • I feel the sadness and the sweetness in that post.

    Skoal, my friend.. I feel your pain. Sometimes we make choices for the wrong reasons.

    Hopefully, you'll be able to create some new memories to that music.

    By Blogger Jewels, at 5:21 PM, May 28, 2005  

  • She obviously still has some feelings for you, yes? Pehaps that's why she called with doubts of her wedding? Life has some amazing twists and turns and you just never know what the future holds.

    It's not just you. I have one that haunts my mind on ocassion. He comes and goes, and he has a special place in my heart.

    By Blogger Mari, at 9:18 PM, May 28, 2005  

  • You can't live there in that space; if you never truly get over it, then you can never truly move on. Or maybe, like you, that's just *me*.

    Maybe I'm just better at purging; or maybe that's what I need to believe.

    By Blogger JuRiScHiCk, at 11:21 PM, May 28, 2005  

  • yeah, you wish

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:19 AM, May 29, 2005  

  • Lovely post.

    xx amanda

    By Blogger Amanda, at 5:49 PM, May 29, 2005  

  • Closure's always good. It's just that it feels so awful sometimes. Glad you're feeling relief.

    By Anonymous Esther, at 1:09 PM, May 30, 2005  

  • I do hope her intended is not full of love and hope and dreams of Happily Ever After while she's on the phone with an ex talking about doubts she's got. It sounds cold, but I really think you got out lucky, my dear, because you deserve so much more than that.

    By Blogger Denise, at 5:13 PM, May 31, 2005  

  • There's always one that got away. Under different circumstances things would've been different...if this was this, that was that, etc...mine's name is Michael.

    But things DON'T work out with those for a reason. I'm sure.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:31 PM, June 02, 2005  

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