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Chasing The American Dream

February 03, 2005

REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO…

Good? I dunno yet. For the first time in nearly 12 years, ‘single’ and I have reunited. The judge has made her ruling. Subject to appeal, that is. And yes, that’s a distinct possibility. But it’s not me who’s appealing, and that’s all I’d really like to say about it for now.

In reality, I’ve been single for a year now. Sure a piece of paper was signed, sealed, and delivered making it official, but I’ve been living the single life as you’ve read. I don’t feel any different now that the paper is signed. But I wondered to myself just exactly how did I feel over this past 13 months?

There is one very big thing I noticed, at least for me, about being single. I’ve been through a lot of turmoil. I’ve clued you in on a little of it and will continue to do so over time. Burdens and stress can really kick your ass and wear you down. But here’s what I continue to notice about me. My happiness meter is driven by the relationships I am forming, growing, nurturing, or losing, or a total lack thereof. {80s flashback…Duran Duran is singing “Hungry Like A Wolf” on Carson Daly…why, I have no idea?}

When you’re married, you always have a fall-back. No matter how bad your day goes, you have your rock, your steady, to go home to and make it all feel right again. Now that I’m single, this safety parachute, has been cut and a lot of times, reunited feels like a free-fall. There IS no one to catch you when you fall. It’s a empty feeling. It makes me sad. It makes me unhappy. But then I may meet someone. Could be a simple start via email. Boom! Instant spark, and for me, instant happiness. Someone to share with, someone to laugh with, someone to vent to. And happiness continues to grow as the relationship grows. I’m so easy to please (IMHO). It doesn’t take much to make me happy. Emails, IMs, phone calls, dates, etc. It’s all good for me and it all makes me happy when I have it.

But relationships or perceived ones can get complicated. Strange Magic, Death Moves, Seconds, Mysteries, they all work against me and thwart my happiness. More often than not, it seems. Happiness turns into frustration and sadness. I’ve learned I can live alone. I’m OK with it now. But it IS empty. Having that someone in your life just makes you have such a positive outlook on everything. Bothersome things aren’t as such. Traffic doesn’t upset you as much, ignorant co-workers and clients don’t set you off because you’re happy. You’ve got someone and that rocks, doesn’t it?

Yes, the jury’s in in terms of the divorce, but it’s still out on my happiness. I continue to hope and remain positive. Good things WILL happen to me. I AM gonna meet that special someone that makes me walk on air, not have a care in the world, and have an everlasting glow about me. And isn’t that just the best? It is. I’ve had a great week thus far. Reunited and it feels so happy. I wonder why?



9 Comments:

  • Maybe the writing/therapy is having a positive impact on your self-respect?

    There's a difference between needing someone to give you that "high", and wanting it. Congrats for crossing that fine line. And enjoy that happiness. You so deserve it.

    By Blogger Jewels, at 5:49 AM, February 03, 2005  

  • I think you will be more content now that there is closure. Your life is yours now. Do what makes you happy despite the unfortunate circumstances you may encounter along the way. You are far better off finding someone who WANTS to be your safety parachute. My parents have been married for over 25 years and one lives upstairs and the other lives downstairs in their shared home. Why they choose to just not let their marriage go, I am not for certain. Yet, I look at my grandparent's relationship and how they adore every aspect of each other and THAT is a beautiful thing. You seem to have a good idea of what you are looking for in life and that in itself in such an accomplishment. Good luck to you PT. It's out there.

    PS- Thank you. Just for being you.

    By Blogger Amanda, at 6:25 AM, February 03, 2005  

  • Traffic still eats at the liver, though.

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 7:16 AM, February 03, 2005  

  • Amanda's right. Closure is good and you'll feel better and not realize it.
    The thing I learned when I wanted a baby was to stop trying and things would work. It works the same way with love. Stop looking and it appears. Maybe at your door, in the traffic, or in an iPod list.

    Just remember to breathe....and smile.

    And read Stephen King. Always do that.

    By Blogger Emily, at 10:49 AM, February 03, 2005  

  • Everyone who commented before me did so very sagely, so there's not much for me to add. Other than saying "congratulations" on moving on, and extending an official "welcome back" to the ranks of the chronically or recurrently single. Yes, 'tis a manic and often silly place.

    BTW, some of us never had a "fall-back" option; be glad that you had a reprieve as long as you did. And now you've got a reprieve of another sort. Hope your "post-" life will be rewarding in all the ways that count.

    By Blogger Esther Kustanowitz, at 11:08 AM, February 03, 2005  

  • Maybe it's that the universe is in good alignment this week; I too am 'feelin' groovy'.

    I honestly hope Strange Magic never casts its spell on you again...

    (who listens to Duran Duran anymore??) ;)

    By Blogger JuRiScHiCk, at 11:15 AM, February 03, 2005  

  • "Walking on Air"- Frazier Chorus- off their album 'ray'.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:17 PM, February 03, 2005  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 7:56 PM, February 03, 2005  

  • Jewels, you're right. I've crossed the fine line and recognize the difference now.

    'Manda, you always say the right things :-)

    LX, So true.

    Em, Yes, closure is good. But it *can* be upsetting, especially when you're totally unprepared for it. Like when you *have* stopped looking, and magically she appears. Eurphoria. And abra cadabra, she's gone. Closure without notice. This makes it extremely difficult to breathe and smile. Seconds sux. I've peeked over at your blog. You seem quite happy. Life's good. You're lucky. Because the pain I've been through most recently, I wouldn't give to my worst enemy.

    E, tks as always. You *do* rock.

    JC, Haven't checked the stars. Ya think I outta be reading my horoscope? Glad to hear u r feelin' groovy.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 8:02 PM, February 03, 2005  

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