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Chasing The American Dream

December 03, 2004


Colonel Mustard is in the conservatory with the lead pipe, but I really have no clue. Lemme tell ya, the online dating scene is a friggin’ mystery and is totally like the Gumpian box of chocolates. Yes, from time to time and probably more often than not, I must bore you with my chase. Hey, afterall, that IS the name of this blog, no?

AWOL, MIA, APB, call it what you will but I’m having serious trouble understanding why some women simply disappear without a trace? I would rather the person flat out tell me, as John McClane said to Hans Gruber in "Die Hard," “Go fuck yourself, Hans.” At least there’s closure in that scenario. I like closure; don’t leave me hanging out in cyberspace. I can multiply this scenario by at least 10, but here’s an example of what I’m confused about.

I met a girl on JDate who lived about 320 miles north of me. She’s 28, divorced, cute, and has a young daughter. She didn’t object to my age which is usually the first big hurdle. On the surface, I felt it was a really good fit. We hit it off immediately. We had some great email and IM banter (I call this Stage 1 in the dating communication pyramid). She asked me for my phone number, and she called me (I call this Stage 2). I felt a strong connection and lots of good vibes. I think she felt the same way. I gained her trust and she gave me her number and we were chatting quite frequently, almost daily. Wow, our conversations were very eye-opening, honest, funny, intimate, and really comfortable. She’d ask me a ton of typical questions asked during the feeling out period of getting to know someone. Invariably, she’d check off my answers in approval. One of the best and most unusual questions she asked me was whether or not I squeegied myself off before I stepped out of the shower. Great question. Relevance? Not sure. I answered yes to her no, but it wasn’t a show stopper. She said she wouldn’t hold it against me. We talked openly about sex or lack thereof. She and her ex were infrequent participants as were my ex and I. We both blamed it, rightfully so, on our ex(s). She got into some graphic detail which was really cool, I thought. She had a bit of an edge to her which was very attractive. Things seemed to be progressing very well; I really wanted to meet her.

I got my opportunity soon after we met. I had bought two tickets to a Dashboard Confessional concert. They happened to be playing, coincidentally, in her city. This was before I knew DC was coming to my area. So I kicked around the idea of coming up and meeting ‘her.’ We’d go to the concert, have Sushi afterward, and hang out. I’d stay over for the weekend and we could get to know each other. I agreed to stay in a hotel. She was worried that desperation might cloud her judgment and mine for that matter, and that jumping into bed may not be the best idea. So it was all set. And then for some inexplicable reason, the tide turned.

And the timing couldn’t have been worse. At the time, I had resolved myself to the fact that my true love and light of my life (future post) was not interested in me enough to dump her boyfriend. I had feared the worst and one day, out of the blue, she totally slammed me and shut the door in a cruel email. I suspected the eventual ‘breakup’ which was why I began searching once again. But I never imagined the harsh manner in which it was delivered. Someday, I’ll post the email. It’s all part of the book.

So I was already down for the count and five minutes later, 'long distance girl' called me and told me she had a slight change of heart. She wanted to scrap the weekend thing and just meet me for the concert. Period. No sushi dinner afterward, no further contact. She mentioned something about not wanting me to meet her daughter just yet and that it would be unavoidable if I stayed the weekend and hung out with her. Hmm. I was still reeling from my previous crash and burn so I just accepted it. I told her that would be fine. I’d drive up 4 hours, go to the concert, and drive home at 11 pm or whenever the concert was over. Pain in the ass, but at least I’d meet her.

Then came the week of the concert and my long distance girl had another change of heart. She told me she went on a JDate, met a nice guy, liked him, didn’t want to see two people at a time, and that I was out. See ya later. But she gave me the standard tag line of she wanted to be friends. And so we were ‘friends.’ Only I was the one who was always doing the emailing and IMing. Then I got a sense that she just wasn’t into it. So much for being friends. I tried an experiment. I decided not to make contact to see if she’d contact her ‘friend.’ No sale. No word. After a couple of weeks, I asked her to explain and to let me know what she was feeling, but rather than doing so, she just disappeared for good. No word. Gone. Vanished. A mystery.

So what gives? For the life of me, I don’t understand these people. Why do they just disappear without a trace? I’d rather they tell me to fuck off than disappear. I honestly have no idea why she totally changed her mind? One minute, I’m going to visit her for a 3-day weekend; the next thing you know, it’s all over. Can someone please explain this annoying pattern to me? I’m in much need of a dating lesson. OK Sarah Mac, sing it…

Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

You're building a mystery

sarah mclachlan Posted by Hello


  • People, in general, are cowards. I'm with you PT...please, just tell me to piss off; it's so much better and easier.

    Here's a good back and forth from Bukowski's "Barfly"

    Henry: There's a check that came in from the IRS. I actually worked last year. Here, take it...for rent.
    Wanda: You trust me with it?
    Henry: Yeh, sure...it's easier that way.

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 8:14 AM, December 03, 2004  

  • no mystery, no suprise. happens all the time. everyone i know has had the same experience(s). welcome to the club called life.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:18 PM, December 03, 2004  

  • Anon,

    You say, "happens all the time. everyone i know has had the same experience(s)." So, it happens to everyone. That's life. OK. But that doesn't explain the mystery to me which is why? Why do people senselessly do this time and time again?

    By Blogger Plantation, at 4:00 PM, December 03, 2004  

  • The Web allows one to be anonymous, to lie, cheat, deceive...without consequence. Email is impersonal and cold, and an easy way (as are text messages on the phone) to let go of someone guilt-free.

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 5:16 PM, December 03, 2004  

  • You said: "I tried an experiment. I decided not to make contact to see if she’d contact her ‘friend.’ No sale. No word. After a couple of weeks, I asked her to explain and to let me know what she was feeling, but rather than doing so, she just disappeared for good. No word. Gone. Vanished. A mystery."

    WOW. I tried a similar experiment. I live below this girl who I used to hang out with all the time, but I noticed that I was always going up to see her and the two times she came to my place was when she wanted something. So I just stopped going up there and have barely talked to her since.( been a year) I decided I had better people to hang out with.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:29 AM, December 04, 2004  

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