STRANGE MAGIC

ELO's Face The Music Album, 1975Featuring "Strange Magic"

Oh I'm.. never gonna be the same again,
Now I've seen the way it's got to end,
Sweet dream, sweet dream.
I get a strange magic. (Oh, what a) strange magic,
(Oh, it's a) strange magic.
Got a strange magic. Got a strange magic....

If I had a basement, I’d be down there right now like one of those Macbeth witches brewing up some magic. I’ve sort of stumbled upon something. I suppose if I was more aware of myself and my surrounding I could have been a rich man by now. But be that as it may, I’m aware now and I’m going to make a fortune out of what I’m calling, Strange Magic. Pardon me while I give this batch a stir (everybody chant with me, Double, double, toil and trouble. Fire burn and caldron bubble.)

This Love Potion #9 of mine is foolproof, ladies and gentlemen. If you don’t believe me, I will provide you with testimonials that will back up my claim. I think it’s the greatest breakthrough in the dating relationship arena since Viagra. I’m not going to sneak in any small print, so I’ll say upfront that there are major limitations to its effectiveness. First, the magic only works IF you’re having dating relationship troubles. Second, the magic only works on ladies. Guys, married couples, and currently happy dating couples need not apply. I’m happy and proud to tell you that this product/service is 100% guaranteed. If you’re not completely 100% satisfied, I’ll refund your money, no questions, no ifs, ands, or buts. Are you dying to get some? Great! So without further adieu, let me introduce my product/service.

Scenario one: I meet you I person.
Normally in this scenario, we meet in the normal course of life. For example, we could meet in a restaurant, or at Starbucks, or at a doctor’s office, or at a real estate office. Maybe we run into each other at work or at the leasing office? As noted below, maybe we meet online? Regardless of how we meet, the parameters are virtually the same. I meet you; I like you. I learn about you; I remember little things you tell me. Dunno why it happens to be the case, but you’re likely in our 20s and beautiful. And for some reason, you never have an issue with our age difference. And then I act. I send you a surprise. It could simply be an eCard or an email. But normally, I kick it up a notch. Since music’s my thing, I send you a CD or two or dozen. You are surprised! You’re blown away. You tell me it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you. You tell me you feel very special and that even your boyfriend doesn’t send you little surprises. Uhh, say wha’?

Yup, that’s when I find out you’re already taken. But you proceed to tell me all of your boyfriend’s shortcomings. Most of the time he doesn’t pay enough attention to you, doesn’t make you feel special, doesn’t put you on a pedestal, etc. Oooh, I don’t know how to process that information. You don’t blow me off, you complain about the boyfriend, and you tell me how wonderful I am. And then I get trapped. I continue the pursuit. I actually think I have a chance since the boyfriend’s appears to be a slacker. More emails, more eCards, more gift surprises, more phone calls, more, more, more. Sometimes this leads to us actually going out. Is it a date? I look at it that way, but you look at it like friends going out. So we go out, but not before I take my Strange Magic dosage.

It begins to work. We go out. Drinks, dinners, concerts, it matters none. We have an incredible time. People observing us probably think we’re a couple. The vibes are seemingly there. My attraction grows. But yours doesn’t. You’re conflicted. You love your boyfriend yet you’re seeing, in me, all the things he’s lacking and you want him to change. Eventually we reach a crossroads. You decide that you love him too dearly, so you basically tell me “thanks for the memories.” Magic. Your struggling relationship grows by leaps and bounds and you become a super strong in love couple. You have overcome my meddling and your relationship grows so strong now. Strange Magic. Oh sure, I’m crushed as usual. The magic doesn’t work on me. I keep taking it, but no. It doesn’t even repair a broken heart. I analyze these situations and wonder why the hell I’m always second choice? I seem to provide you with that spark, that glint, that excitement. Yet the game’s the same, and you always go back to your boyfriend. That’s how Strange Magic is meant to work. It’s foolproof as I’ve said. A good and intelligent friend of mine finally told me why Strange Magic works. I never really questioned its effects (note, I really thought I knew the difference between affect and effect but apparently I’m not as smart as I think I am. I only got 10 of 16 right. I’m ashamed and embarrassed. Try it yourself.). She laid it out like this. She said, and I quote, “The problem is that those who are seeking the qualities you have to offer in another [person], already have their basic needs met by someone else. It’s like wanting extra frosting on your piece of cake.” She’s right. I’m the extra frosting. You’ve got frosting, it’s delicious and sweet; but you want more. And I dutifully and stupidly provide it until the Strange Magic kicks in and POOF! Relationship problems are over.

You don’t have to believe me, ladies. I’ve got countless references at your disposal. Let me know if you’d like to make an appointment. See the 1-800 number at the end of the post.

Scenario two: I meet you online.
You either find your way to my blog, or I find my way to yours, or both. We comment about each other’s posts and develop a nice friendship. Our friendship strengthens and grows. Eventually, we start to share some personal relationship information. There seems to be some sort of attraction between us. But at this point, I usually I find out that you’re in a struggling relationship, and you are at wits and end don’t know what to do. On extremely rare occasions, you decide the best course of action is to pursue me (and vise versa). If this is the case, please refer to scenario one. OK. That leaves us with this. I have an attraction for you, you’re having relationship problems, but you want to work it out with ‘him’ and not me so…you ask me for help.

You paint me the picture. You tell me everything that’s wrong with him, everything he lacks; you love him, but you don’t know what to do. Time for Strange Magic. A two-tablespoon dosage usually does the trick. Right into the old Starbucks iced coffee. I slurp it down. The effects are immediate. I’m transformed into this Dr Phil, Dr Ruth expert on relationships. I send you emails with my advice. I tell you whether to play it cool, play it aloof, play it hot, ignore him, yell at him, threaten to break up with him, etc. Of course the advice I provide varies based on your particular circumstance. Strange Magic, unbeknownst to you, begins to positively affect (did I get it right?) your relationship. You’ve listened to me. You’ve implemented my strategies. POOF! Relationship problems are once again over. You email me to tell me you’re in love, having sex, and he’s once again into you! It is, indeed, magic and it’s guaranteed.

The interesting thing about scenario two is that you know me and you know all my relationship failures. Why you would want to take advise from a complete failure is beyond me. But the magic works nevertheless. The other interesting thing to note here is that Strange Magic works on others but it is ineffective on me. I laughed when I saw this the other day. Have you seen previews for that new Will Smith movie called Hitch? Yeah, the dude’s a relationship expert for the guys. He gives them all the cool advise they need for dating. I’ve not seen the movie, but I guess his ‘magic’ works. But Hitch, like me, can’t impart his own advise on himself and he is a total relationship failure. I gotta go see that flick.

So what do you say, ladies? Are you ready to put all your relationship worries literally to bed? Why just as recently as yesterday, I got another scenario two report of another happy ending, literally and figuratively. Today, I got another report on the fact that significant progress was made on a relationship. And just last week, I had a combo scenario two/one situation which ended up in a total relationship revelation for the couple, and their bond is now stronger than ever! I’m a basket case, but that’s beside the point. The magic’s for you , not me. I’m so pleased my customers are happy! This shit works, I’m tellin’ ya. And if you don’t believe ME, ask for references. The tribe has spoken. Call 1-800-STM-AGIC. Phone operators are standing by.