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Chasing The American Dream

January 31, 2005

STRANGE MAGIC


ELO's Face The Music Album, 1975Featuring "Strange Magic" Posted by Hello

Oh I'm.. never gonna be the same again,
Now I've seen the way it's got to end,
Sweet dream, sweet dream.
I get a strange magic. (Oh, what a) strange magic,
(Oh, it's a) strange magic.
Got a strange magic. Got a strange magic....


If I had a basement, I’d be down there right now like one of those Macbeth witches brewing up some magic. I’ve sort of stumbled upon something. I suppose if I was more aware of myself and my surrounding I could have been a rich man by now. But be that as it may, I’m aware now and I’m going to make a fortune out of what I’m calling, Strange Magic. Pardon me while I give this batch a stir (everybody chant with me, Double, double, toil and trouble. Fire burn and caldron bubble.)

This Love Potion #9 of mine is foolproof, ladies and gentlemen. If you don’t believe me, I will provide you with testimonials that will back up my claim. I think it’s the greatest breakthrough in the dating relationship arena since Viagra. I’m not going to sneak in any small print, so I’ll say upfront that there are major limitations to its effectiveness. First, the magic only works IF you’re having dating relationship troubles. Second, the magic only works on ladies. Guys, married couples, and currently happy dating couples need not apply. I’m happy and proud to tell you that this product/service is 100% guaranteed. If you’re not completely 100% satisfied, I’ll refund your money, no questions, no ifs, ands, or buts. Are you dying to get some? Great! So without further adieu, let me introduce my product/service.

Scenario one: I meet you I person.
Normally in this scenario, we meet in the normal course of life. For example, we could meet in a restaurant, or at Starbucks, or at a doctor’s office, or at a real estate office. Maybe we run into each other at work or at the leasing office? As noted below, maybe we meet online? Regardless of how we meet, the parameters are virtually the same. I meet you; I like you. I learn about you; I remember little things you tell me. Dunno why it happens to be the case, but you’re likely in our 20s and beautiful. And for some reason, you never have an issue with our age difference. And then I act. I send you a surprise. It could simply be an eCard or an email. But normally, I kick it up a notch. Since music’s my thing, I send you a CD or two or dozen. You are surprised! You’re blown away. You tell me it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you. You tell me you feel very special and that even your boyfriend doesn’t send you little surprises. Uhh, say wha’?

Yup, that’s when I find out you’re already taken. But you proceed to tell me all of your boyfriend’s shortcomings. Most of the time he doesn’t pay enough attention to you, doesn’t make you feel special, doesn’t put you on a pedestal, etc. Oooh, I don’t know how to process that information. You don’t blow me off, you complain about the boyfriend, and you tell me how wonderful I am. And then I get trapped. I continue the pursuit. I actually think I have a chance since the boyfriend’s appears to be a slacker. More emails, more eCards, more gift surprises, more phone calls, more, more, more. Sometimes this leads to us actually going out. Is it a date? I look at it that way, but you look at it like friends going out. So we go out, but not before I take my Strange Magic dosage.

It begins to work. We go out. Drinks, dinners, concerts, it matters none. We have an incredible time. People observing us probably think we’re a couple. The vibes are seemingly there. My attraction grows. But yours doesn’t. You’re conflicted. You love your boyfriend yet you’re seeing, in me, all the things he’s lacking and you want him to change. Eventually we reach a crossroads. You decide that you love him too dearly, so you basically tell me “thanks for the memories.” Magic. Your struggling relationship grows by leaps and bounds and you become a super strong in love couple. You have overcome my meddling and your relationship grows so strong now. Strange Magic. Oh sure, I’m crushed as usual. The magic doesn’t work on me. I keep taking it, but no. It doesn’t even repair a broken heart. I analyze these situations and wonder why the hell I’m always second choice? I seem to provide you with that spark, that glint, that excitement. Yet the game’s the same, and you always go back to your boyfriend. That’s how Strange Magic is meant to work. It’s foolproof as I’ve said. A good and intelligent friend of mine finally told me why Strange Magic works. I never really questioned its effects (note, I really thought I knew the difference between affect and effect but apparently I’m not as smart as I think I am. I only got 10 of 16 right. I’m ashamed and embarrassed. Try it yourself.). She laid it out like this. She said, and I quote, “The problem is that those who are seeking the qualities you have to offer in another [person], already have their basic needs met by someone else. It’s like wanting extra frosting on your piece of cake.” She’s right. I’m the extra frosting. You’ve got frosting, it’s delicious and sweet; but you want more. And I dutifully and stupidly provide it until the Strange Magic kicks in and POOF! Relationship problems are over.

You don’t have to believe me, ladies. I’ve got countless references at your disposal. Let me know if you’d like to make an appointment. See the 1-800 number at the end of the post.

Scenario two: I meet you online.
You either find your way to my blog, or I find my way to yours, or both. We comment about each other’s posts and develop a nice friendship. Our friendship strengthens and grows. Eventually, we start to share some personal relationship information. There seems to be some sort of attraction between us. But at this point, I usually I find out that you’re in a struggling relationship, and you are at wits and end don’t know what to do. On extremely rare occasions, you decide the best course of action is to pursue me (and vise versa). If this is the case, please refer to scenario one. OK. That leaves us with this. I have an attraction for you, you’re having relationship problems, but you want to work it out with ‘him’ and not me so…you ask me for help.

You paint me the picture. You tell me everything that’s wrong with him, everything he lacks; you love him, but you don’t know what to do. Time for Strange Magic. A two-tablespoon dosage usually does the trick. Right into the old Starbucks iced coffee. I slurp it down. The effects are immediate. I’m transformed into this Dr Phil, Dr Ruth expert on relationships. I send you emails with my advice. I tell you whether to play it cool, play it aloof, play it hot, ignore him, yell at him, threaten to break up with him, etc. Of course the advice I provide varies based on your particular circumstance. Strange Magic, unbeknownst to you, begins to positively affect (did I get it right?) your relationship. You’ve listened to me. You’ve implemented my strategies. POOF! Relationship problems are once again over. You email me to tell me you’re in love, having sex, and he’s once again into you! It is, indeed, magic and it’s guaranteed.

The interesting thing about scenario two is that you know me and you know all my relationship failures. Why you would want to take advise from a complete failure is beyond me. But the magic works nevertheless. The other interesting thing to note here is that Strange Magic works on others but it is ineffective on me. I laughed when I saw this the other day. Have you seen previews for that new Will Smith movie called Hitch? Yeah, the dude’s a relationship expert for the guys. He gives them all the cool advise they need for dating. I’ve not seen the movie, but I guess his ‘magic’ works. But Hitch, like me, can’t impart his own advise on himself and he is a total relationship failure. I gotta go see that flick.

So what do you say, ladies? Are you ready to put all your relationship worries literally to bed? Why just as recently as yesterday, I got another scenario two report of another happy ending, literally and figuratively. Today, I got another report on the fact that significant progress was made on a relationship. And just last week, I had a combo scenario two/one situation which ended up in a total relationship revelation for the couple, and their bond is now stronger than ever! I’m a basket case, but that’s beside the point. The magic’s for you , not me. I’m so pleased my customers are happy! This shit works, I’m tellin’ ya. And if you don’t believe ME, ask for references. The tribe has spoken. Call 1-800-STM-AGIC. Phone operators are standing by.


21 Comments:

  • At least you're bringing people together. I guess that's something.

    And you've been sending CDs to other women? Here I thought it was out of fealty to She Who Suggested You Consider a Blog. Harumph. Well, I never.

    By Blogger Esther Kustanowitz, at 1:11 AM, January 31, 2005  

  • I bet I could rock your world of mix CDs. We should exchange sometime. I promise you wouldn't be disappointed. Oh, and I got a 13 out of 16 on the Affect/Effect quiz.

    Lain

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:22 AM, January 31, 2005  

  • E, don't give me no gas( Jaime Escalante term..Stand and Deliver..great movie). You keep forgetting I offered to fly to NY last oh August or so? So to quote a famous and great writer..."Harumph. Well, I never."

    Lain, where the hell have you been? I thought we were going to Robotnik's for New Year's Eve? Some friend you are. Anytime you wanna go toe-to-toe with CDs you know where to find me...

    By Blogger Plantation, at 1:59 AM, January 31, 2005  

  • I've been around. I know you've missed me.

    Lain

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:32 AM, January 31, 2005  

  • You gotta be careful with that stuff~~!! Man, you splashed too much my way and now i gotta figure out m2 AND sgt pepper. But don't worry, my love, you're holding a strong 3rd. ;-) Perhaps when the CD arrives, it might even influence a placement adjustment!! :)

    ttfn ~ me who shall remain anonymous to all but you - but do put me on your referral list - you're right, I am enjoying this new found problem given the first 1/2 of my life!! :)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:48 AM, January 31, 2005  

  • Is this for the long-term or marital relationship, or is the potion especially effective on a more "fresh" relationship?

    A solid marketing plan would propel your product to the front lines. No more financial woes. You'd be solely responsible for saving the family unit. :p

    By Blogger Jewels, at 5:51 AM, January 31, 2005  

  • I don't care who comes...but we're not staying in.

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 9:01 AM, January 31, 2005  

  • I do find it ironic...if not a bit funny that someone would ask "you" for relationship advice.

    So, since I have turned 30, am I too old?

    By Blogger Mpls, at 9:33 AM, January 31, 2005  

  • I nodded my head, and did the "uh huh, uh huh," while reading this. I was involved with a man who broke it off to go back to a previous relationship, then continued to see/speak to me and complained endlessly about this other woman. I couldn't understand why he would remain with her. Finally, I realized what was going on...he didn't have to leave her. I was meeting his needs where she wasn't. As long as I was there, he'd never feel that something was missing. I later learned, that once I removed myself from the equation, they had split up. I wasn't the extra icing...I was cake holding up the pretty icing.

    By Blogger Queen Helene, at 9:49 AM, January 31, 2005  

  • So if I post a comment to say "No Comment", is that enigmatic, or just plain bitchy?

    By Blogger Emily, at 10:30 AM, January 31, 2005  

  • Dearest CD giving whore,

    My computer is up and running once again (you should see the new kicks he wears). Please flood this happily married (had to through that one in *nudge) floods of emails. I've missed them!

    ELO rocks my world!

    manda
    PS- I'm still waiting on my birthday music compilation. ;)

    By Blogger Amanda, at 12:58 PM, January 31, 2005  

  • I never thought that in 2005 I'd ever come across someone who'd say: "ELO rocks my world"

    I'm going out now, to do naked cartwheels through my neighborhood.

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 1:52 PM, January 31, 2005  

  • Here's a thought. You're likeable; maybe some would call you approachable. You have the ability to offer insightful and eloquent communication. These are gifts you possess. They draw people to you, no matter what their relationship status because afterall, at the end of the day, doesn't everyone want to be nurtured and listened to?

    It is possible that your "Love Potion" or "Strange Magic" works because of your overt acts even when you know intellectually that the odds are not in your favor. My question to you is this: What is the constant in this equation?

    I'll be so kind as to answer that question for you, if I may. It is you. You have the power to change the dynamic. You like fate, right? Make your own. :)

    By Blogger JuRiScHiCk, at 3:59 PM, January 31, 2005  

  • Thanks PT. I have that song stuck in my head now, to accompany me on my evening in the library, studying higher cortical control.

    I think you shouldn't put your strange magic to work on these committed girls. You've learned your lesson. Your magic will work beautifully on a single, available girl. (yeah, yeah, you know, I'm beating a dead horse, etc.) OK, I also want to share something: I've had those guys. The friends, the "good" fallback option. I actually just wrote a really long post about my Strange Magic guy. The one I was with just before H. I will post it this week, I promise. For some reason, I never wanted a guy who would sit back and wait for me to break up with my boyfriend. But if I had a man that demanded me, a man who I knew wouldn't wait around, I wouldn't let him go. I think it's very similar to the "Rules" for women. People just don't want what is readily available. They like to work a little.

    BUT once you're in the relationship, your sweet gestures and thoughtfulness are the cinchers. If you keep up this courting, your future wife will be the happiest girl in the world.

    Hope I made sense, I'm a little braindead & exhausted today. :)

    By Blogger girl from florida, at 5:23 PM, January 31, 2005  

  • I like what's readily available. I don't like to work. Not even a little. Not that way. There are too many other things to do. Like...oh, say...watching astroturf grow. Anything but work.

    My mantra.

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 7:53 PM, January 31, 2005  

  • According to Herodotus, you don't really know if somebody has a good life till you see how they die. So there's no "happily ever after" till everybody's under the soil. By then, it's too late to keep score. Good luck!

    By Blogger melinama, at 9:16 PM, January 31, 2005  

  • Wow, a long day of comments. True story folks. I'm driving my 2 hour drive to work. Got the iPod cranked on shuffle. Song 10 comes on and wouldn't you know it. Strange Magic.

    Better get stared with responses:

    Mpls, never too old. And what's with your link???


    Emily, no comment.


    'Manda, patience deary. The check's in the mail. Lx and I agree with you. ELO Rocks.


    JuRiScHiCk and GFF, I see you've been paying attention in class. Bonus points for both of you for your insight and kindest of kind words.

    Melinama, I'm gonna let Robotnik field that one, girl.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 2:13 AM, February 01, 2005  

  • Aaaah...Herodotus, yes. The Father of History. It's been too long since I read him. Too long. I do remember this, though: more than once, Herodotus states that the gods are envious of human happiness: the powerful will once be tempted to act beyond their means and be destroyed. Time and again, the gods tempt mortals to transgress the limits that are set to human greatness (Greek: hybris), so that even the greatest kings lose everything they have.

    How true.

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 7:23 AM, February 01, 2005  

  • Guess that answers my question.

    By Blogger Emily, at 10:36 AM, February 01, 2005  

  • Here's an idea that no one has expressed yet (because it is too obvious?): Don't date women with boyfriends.

    By Blogger PepGiraffe, at 5:02 PM, February 01, 2005  

  • PG, smart girl. If only it were that easy. Actually, I guess, it should be that easy. I don't know why I struggle so with this concept...

    By Blogger Plantation, at 7:41 PM, February 01, 2005  

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