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Chasing The American Dream

June 08, 2008


Our post-Moose Party was at a small pizza bistro. The question was asked. I went last. Her friend said she wanted a house in Germany. Next. She wanted to be able to swim, dive, and snorkel and not have to work. Next. I knew what I wanted; I just didn’t know how to phrase it properly. Once I said it, I couldn’t take it back. So I sat for a minute thinking. I knew I could think of something else I wanted and just avoid it all-together. But that’s not me. I understood the consequences and readied myself for the predicted letdown. I looked at her friend and said, “I want to get to know her better.” And that was the truth. That’s all I really wanted. It wasn’t meant to be a typical male smart-ass sexual remark. We’d been hanging out for the past month or so and having a great time doing a lot of fun stuff. It was easy. It seemed natural. I wanted to continue and build our friendship.

But the look on her face said it all. She didn’t have to say anything and as much as I tried to hide it, I’m sure my face expressed my disappointment. Sure there were complications and I’m a swell and funny guy, but as I’ve previously said, it boils down to pulchritude. It wasn’t there for her. I wasn’t her type. No huge surprise for me. I mentioned the subtle clues. Clues I’d second guess and wonder about because often times, from my misguided point-of-view, there seemed to be a connection. But I’ve been here before. Déjà vu. Smart, funny, classy, cultural, and attractive. The whole package. Or so I thought. The big difference this time around though was that she was actually available which wasn’t the case with my previous failures.

I think having gone thru this for the 4th time in four years, I have now realized that women in their early 30s won't likely be physically attracted to me. Although 46 is just a number, and no matter how I might think I don’t look, feel, or act 46, there are a lot of perceptions younger women have about that age. And it's not like I seek out women in their 30s. I don’t. Of the last four women I’ve dated, three have been with women in their 40s and one was 50. But I just seem to bump into these early 30s situations. And when I do, I end up with a one-sided connection. So what I've finally gotten through my thick skull is that I have to dismiss any hopes of a relationship (short-term, long-term, or otherwise) with these younger women. But that’s OK because it's reality. And I do think there is a big maturity difference if I look at things objectively.

We’re still gonna be friends. After all, that’s my specialty, isn’t it? The good friend. But I think I’m handling it well. I’ve made a lot of progress from four years ago. I don’t cry anymore. And I didn’t drag out the suspense for a year. Only a month this time. Nice progress, Plantation. But I gotta get better about this hope thing. I have too much of it. It interferes with said reality. And I do get this pit in the stomach feeling as if someone had sucker punched me there and had stolen my adrenaline. I feel it when I run and when I work out. That little motivation is missing. No wind in the sails. But that’s probably typical of anyone who gets rejected. And to think, I had one of the best days I’ve had in a long, long time recently. It took the usual 2-->5 days to clear my head. Plenty of restless nights where the mind didn’t want to stop thinking. I was the King of Pain again walking the Boulevard of Broken Dreams, but I’m back to normal now. Standing me up for the concert cleared my head in a hurry.

You wanna know who I discussed this with? My soon-to-be 12 year-old son. He’s gone through girlfriend #1 and he’s already on the prowl for #2. He likes someone and he asked me if he should ask her out? I’m proud of him. He already knows my standard answer. Always ask, the worst thing she could say is no. And then I relayed this little story to him. He was sad for me and knows I had to take time to get over the disappointment and move on. He knows because I told him it’s what we must do. Apparently he did that pretty well with #1. I guess the chase continues for both of us.

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  • You are a freak and a weirdo. Same story over and over. It may be time to accept the fact that its you and not them.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:48 PM, June 09, 2008  

  • Anonymous is a mean fucker, eh? Whatever. What I wanted to say was cheerful and lovely and kind - but Anonymous knocked that out of me.

    The best I can do for now? It will come. She will come. I'm really sure of this.

    By Blogger A, at 1:57 PM, June 09, 2008  

  • I think I may have mentioned this to you before, if so here I am repeating myself.

    I fell in love, real L-O-V-E, and had my heartbroken (mostly my fault) at a relatively young age. I was 23 when the relationship ended.
    I didn't end up meeting my husband until the month before I turned 30. For seven years I went through what you are going through. So much fucking HOPE. And so many fucking assholes.

    Even married, the relationship is constantly work. And it's hard.

    I have probably given you more than you need of advice on this blog. I don't know what else to tell ya, but you'll always have an ear (or email) if you need it.


    By Blogger catsteevens, at 2:38 PM, June 09, 2008  

  • "Accept THE FACT that it's you and not them." That 'fact' sounds more like an opinion than fact to me. I won't argue that I've had my share of blame in all of these situations but I can't blame it entirely on me. Let's see if Anon thinks it's me or them in the next post, shall we?

    By Blogger Plantation, at 9:34 PM, June 09, 2008  

  • She WILL come. I've thought that all along.

    By Blogger Emily, at 11:38 AM, June 10, 2008  

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