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Chasing The American Dream

August 02, 2005

LET'S GET PHYSICAL

Going to the doctor can certainly be a humiliating experience. Perhaps you women out there have had more ‘practice’ at it with the stirrups and all that. Generally, guys only have to get ‘probed’ once a year upon hitting 40. I suppose a year’s worth of peace of mind is worth the probing. I guess that’s the goal of the annual physical. Peace of mind.

A year ago, my mind was at war. I left home, separated from my wife, moved 2000 miles from Phoenix to Plantation, got a new job, was traveling 100%, was going through a divorce, missed my son terribly, fell in love, couldn't sleep a wink, aaahhh! What a mental mess. It took me a while to shamefully admit that I was having trouble handling it all. I wasn’t or hadn’t been myself. What to do?

My sister suggested I go to the doctor and talk about it. Reluctantly, I did. I took all the quizzes, answered all their questions, and was told I had symptoms of depression. A light dose (10 mg) of Lexapro and sessions with a shrink would make me feel better soon, I was told.

And so started my road to recovery. I won’t steal chapters of the book here, but I’ve made it back from hell. I’ve emerged a different, stronger, better person. So this year, I went into my doctor’s appointment with the intention to stop taking the Lexapro. I relayed how the whole year transpired and how much better I was feeling as compared to last year. The Physical Assistant agreed to wean me off the Lexapro. I’ll be med free in a month. I’m down to a half a little pill, jagged indeed, a tiny reminder of where I’ve been. Soon, the bitter taste of this pill and the bitter period in my life, will just be a memory and no longer a daily occurrence. To me, that’s worth a probe or two.

P.S. Why does the dental hygienist insist on us using a soft toothbrush? Why do they insist on us brushing softly and then proceed to take that god-awful scraper and pound the hell out of us like there’s no tomorrow? Odd, isn’t it?

17 Comments:

  • so brave of you to 'come out' about your meds. some people can be very judegmental about that. (divorece lawyers included, I imagine).

    By Blogger Lyss, at 7:58 PM, August 02, 2005  

  • P.S. Deep Thoughts by Plantation

    Congrats on the big feat of almost being med free. "You've come along way baby"

    By Blogger Sass, at 11:25 PM, August 02, 2005  

  • Do you think you would've been able to get through it all without the meds? Just using therapy?
    (And, no, I'm not advocating a Tom Cruise here, just pondering my own thoughts)

    Either way, I applaud you.

    By Blogger catsteevens, at 2:57 AM, August 03, 2005  

  • Cat, you had me fooled with the different name. Could I have gotten thru it without the meds? Honestly, I don't think so. What are you doing up so late anyway?

    By Blogger Plantation, at 3:34 AM, August 03, 2005  

  • Can't sleep. Weird, 'cause normally I can sleep anywhere anytime anyplace kinda thing.

    Ya, new name. Soon new blog name too. I'll let ya know.

    By Blogger catsteevens, at 3:38 AM, August 03, 2005  

  • i admire you for admitting you had a problem with your life and the way you tell us about it...

    Sometimes people are ashamed of asking for help.. I think not only our body but our mind or soul (whatever u wanna call it) can't get ill and just need to be cured..

    I'm very happy for you things are working out.. ciao

    By Blogger mariel, at 5:36 AM, August 03, 2005  

  • hang in there gorgeous! :)

    By Blogger Amanda, at 6:02 AM, August 03, 2005  

  • Totally unrelated, but, I saw this in a listing of new book deals and it made me think of you:

    Humor
    Kasper Hauser Comedy Group's SKYMAUL: Happy Crap You Can Buy From a Plane, a 4-color parody of the airplane seat-back magazine, to Sean Desmond at Thomas Dunne/St. Martin's Press, by Danielle Svetcov at Levine Greenberg Literary Agency (world).
    dsvetcov@levinegreenberg.com

    By Blogger A, at 8:46 AM, August 03, 2005  

  • We all live in a Yellow Submarine
    UUUuuuuaaahhh...Internetcafes sind spooky..Ich sitze gerade in einem der bei mir äusserst beliebten Marke "Easy Internet" direkt gegenüber vom Münchener Hauptbahnhof und ich finde es immer so ein bischen scary. Das Ding ist: Ich habe gerade viel Zeit, nicht weil ich Semesterferien habe, sondern weil gegen 14.30 meine Lady am Bahnhof ankommt und ich muss mir jetzt die Zeit vertreiben, weil ich nun schon mal hier bin. "Aber Nilz", werdet ihr fragen, "warum bist du denn schon gegen 20 nach 1 am Bahnhof, wenn sie erst um 14.30 ankommt? Da hättest du doch noch zu Hause bleiben können und einen der 397623578964 Filme gucken können, die du dir gestern geholt hast!" Ihr habt ja recht, aber ich dachte, ich könnte vorher noch ins Kino gehen. Also spazierte ich ins Mathäser und das einzige was ich mir zeitlich hätte leisten können, wäre "Siegfried" gewesen.


    Also doch nicht ins Kino.

    Jetzt habe ich aber keine Lust wieder nach Hause zu fahren und dann wieder hierhin und dann wieder nach Hause und dann wieder....und so weiter und so fort. Das könnt ihr ja wohl verstehen, oder? Gerade eben war ich noch in der Spielhalle und nach einem kleinen Ründchen Out Run 2 habe ich dann noch Space Invaders gezockt. Am Automaten! Geiles Old School Feeling. Aber die Typen da sind irgendwie noch unheimlicher als hier. Obwohl...hinter mir fängt gerade einer an zu heulen. Wahrscheinlich hat seine Freundin per E-Mail mit ihm Schluss gemacht, und dabei hatte er es doch nicht persönlich gemeint, als er sagte, daß er eine Rucksacktour durch Europa alleine machen wolle. Er dachte ihre ach-noch-so-junge-und-frische-liebe würde das aushalten, aber sie hat in seiner Abwesenheit lieber Vorlieb mit dem Quaterback genommen. Sie will halt noch mal was erleben bevor das College los geht. Aber das kann und will er nicht verstehen. Natürlich hätte er sie auch gerne dabei gehabt, aber er hatte es ja schon längst gebucht, bevor sie zusammen kamen und für eine stornierung hätte er um die 60% des Reisepreises bezahlen müssen, also hat der die Reise lieber doch gemacht. Sie hat ihn sogar noch zum Flughafen gefahren und ihm einen kleinen Kuschelspongebob geschenkt, der ihn immer an sie erinnern solle.

    Jetzt würde er der Puppe am liebsten ihre dämlichen Grinseaugen rausreissen, den gelben billigen Plastikstoff verbrennen und das scheiss Teil loswerden, aber so einfach ist es nicht. Klar, er könnte es in die nächste Mülltonne kloppen, aber die Hoffnung stirbt zuletzt. Vielleicht, wenn er zurück kommt und sie sieht, wie sehr er auf die Puppe aufgepasst hat, vielleicht wird ihr dann klar was sie für einen riesen Fehler gemacht hat, und sie nimmt ihn zurück. Für ihn wäre das kein Problem, so einen hirnlosen Quaterback kann man doch schnell verzeihen.

    Aber für die nächsten 2 einhalb Wochen sitzt er hier noch fest. In Europa. Morgen gehts nach Prag, von da aus nach Paris und dann nach Rom. Wer hat sich diese Zick-Zack-Route nur ausgedacht....ah, es ist zum durchdrehen, jetzt denkt er schon extra an so etwas belangloses wie Reiseplanung nur um sich abzulenken. Was sind das für komische Mechanismen im Hirn, die einen dazu bringen in den traurigsten Situationen sich mit Scheisse aufzuhalten? So kann es nicht weitergehen. Er hat diese Reise jetzt gefälligst zu geniessen, was kümmert ihn da diese doofe Abschlussballkönigin. Die hat doch keine Ahnung was wirklich wichtig im Leben ist. Nur Party und Sex im Kopf, bah, wie oberflächlich. Er interessiert sich für Kultur! Für Geschichte! Er interessiert sich für alles!


    Vielleicht hätte er doch mal mit ihr ficken sollen.


    Soll ich jetzt mal rübergehen und ihn trösten? Nein, nein, nicht das der durchdreht oder mich zuschwallt. Oder ich womöglich mit all meinen Vermutungen noch recht habe, das wäre mir doch eindeutig zu unheimlich. Ich check jetzt nochmal meine Mails und dann gehe ich zu Burger King. Die Zeit kriegen wir schon totgeschlagen. geschrieben von Nielz Bokelberg

    Antwort Roman Libbertz:
    romanlibbertz said...
    Lieber Nilz ,
    mit Schrecken habe ich Deinen blogistischen Hilferuf empfangen. Du befindest Dich allem Anschein nach in einem sehr kritischen Zustand. Alles was in deinem tiefsten Innern vor sich geht, produzierst Du bildlich vor deinen Augen.
    Erstens mein lieber Freund hast Du zur Zeit keine Lady. So leid es mir tut, aber Du bist Single, und wirst es wohl immer bleiben!
    Den heulenden Typen, den Du angeblich gesehen hast, ist nichts weiter als der "kleine Nilz" zur Schulzeit damals in Köln. Das einschneidende Erlebnis, als die gertenschlanke Schülersprecherin Petra Dir in der zehnten Klasse eröffnete, dass sie nicht mehr mit Dir gehen wollte, ist immernoch in deinem Unterbewußtsein. Es war auch keineswegs ein Quaterback, der Dir die geliebte Frau mit dem Pferdeschwanz wegschnappte, sondern Klaus der Mannschaftkaptitän der B-Jugendmachschaft vom 1.FC Hardtberg. Bitte errinnere Dich!
    Ich sehe mit Schrecken, dass Du diese Zeit wieder durchmachst und hoffe, dass "Burger King" kein Codewort für verbotene Substanzen ist.
    Bitte schreib mir doch und wir können in meinem Büro in der Hohenzollernstr.9 einen Termin ausmachen.
    Bis dahin,
    paß auf Dich auf mein Freund,
    dein Dr. Rommel

    Hoffe es gibt Deutsche, die den Humor verstehen.
    Es ist eine Stephanie in uns allen!!!

    By Blogger romanlibbertz, at 10:18 AM, August 03, 2005  

  • good for you...whatever works. you should be proud of your strength in going through the hardest of times.

    By Blogger Amanda, at 10:26 AM, August 03, 2005  

  • I'm having problems reading all about a probe and then seeing a p.s. about a toothbrush. Interesting association.

    By Blogger Queen Helene, at 1:21 PM, August 03, 2005  

  • Translation:

    Incoming goods all live in A Yellow submarine UUUuuuuaaahhh... InterNet cafes are spooky..Ich sit straight in one the mark "Easy InterNet" extremely liked with me directly opposite of Munich main station and I find it always such a bischen scary. The thing is: I have straight much time, not because I have term holidays, but because against 14.30 my lady at the station arrives and I must myself sell the time now, because I now am already times here. "however Nilz", will ask you, "why are you already against 20 after 1 at the station, if it arrives only around 14.30? There you could have remained nevertheless still at home and for one of the 397623578964 films to look be able, which you got yourself yesterday!" You be right, but I thought, I could go before still into the cinema. Thus I walked in the Mathaeser and only which I have carried out could temporally, would be "Siegfried" been. Thus nevertheless not in the cinema. Now I have to drive however no desire again home and then again this way and then again home and then again....und to so far and so on. That can probably understand you, or? Straight one was even I still in the play hall and after a small Ruendchen Out run 2 I then still space Invaders gezockt. At the automat! Geiles old School Feeling. But the types are somehow still more uncanny than here there. Although... behind me straight one begins to howl. Its friend made probable for conclusion by E-Mail with him, and he had meant it nevertheless not personal, when he said that he wanted to make a backpack route by Europe alone. It thought its oh still so young and fresh dear that would bear, but in its absence dear Vorlieb with the Quaterback took it. She wants stop still times which to experience before the college goes loosely. But that can not understand and does not want it. Naturally it would also gladly have had it thereby, but it had already long booked it, before they came together and would have had for a cancellation it around the 60% of the travel price to pay, therefore has that the journey rather nevertheless made. It drove it even still to the airport and to it a small Kuschelspongebob gave, which is to always remind it of it. Now it became the doll dearest their daemlichen Grinseaugen rausreissen, which burn yellow cheap plastic material and which shit to part loose will, but is so simple it not. Clearly, he could kloppen it into the next garbage can, but hope dies last. Perhaps, if he comes back and her sees, as very much he watched out for the doll, perhaps their then clearly which it for a giant error made, and she takes him back. For it that would not be a problem, so a brainless Quaterback can one nevertheless fast forgive. But for the next 2 one half weeks here still sticks it. In Europe. Tomorrow gehts to Prague, from there to Paris and then to Rome who has itself this zigzag route....ah, it is only invented to to rev up, now thinks it already specially of as inconsequential as travel planning only around itself to divert. What are for amusing mechanisms in the brain, the one to it bring in the saddest situations with shit to be? So it cannot continue. It has to enjoy this journey now gefaelligst, what cares it there this stupid conclusion ball queen. Those has nevertheless no notion which in the life is really important. Only party and Sex in the head, bah, as superficial. It is interested in culture! For history! It is interested in everything! Perhaps it should have ficken nevertheless times with it. Am I to ruebergehen now times and him troesten? No, no, not that revs or me up zuschwallt. Or I possibly with all mean assumptions still quite has, that would be nevertheless clearly too uncanny to me. I checks again my Mails and then go now I to Burger King. The time wars we already dead written of Nielz Bokelberg Answer novel Libbertz: romanlibbertz said... Dear Nilz, with frights I received your blogistischen assistance call. You are to all appearances in very a critical state. Everything which in your deepest inside takes place, produces you figurativy before your eyes. First of all my dear friend have you at present no lady. Thus wrong it me does, but you are single, and it will probably always remain! The howling types, which alleged you saw, nothing is further as the "small Nilz" to the school time at that time in Cologne. The drastic experience, when the switch-slim pupil spokeswoman Petra opened to you in the tenth class that she did not want to go to no more with you, is always still in your Unterbewusstsein. It was also by no means a Quaterback, which away-snatched you the loved woman with the horse tail, but Klaus of the Mannschaftkaptitaen of the b-Jugendmachschaft of the 1.FC Hardtberg. Ask errinnere you! I see with frights that you go through this time again and hope that "Burger King" is not a code word for forbidden substances. Please write me nevertheless and we can in my office into the Hohenzollernstr.9 a date constitute. Up to then, passport on you on my friend, your Dr. Rommel Hope it gives Germans, which understand humor. It is a Stephanie in us all!!!

    By Anonymous Alessandro Rosetti, at 7:45 PM, August 03, 2005  

  • Yay! That's really great! I'm glad things are going better for you.

    I think the soft toothbrush is to guard against irritating your gums? But then I wonder why they even make hard bristled toothbrushes. Maybe those are used for dentures?

    By Anonymous Darcy, at 8:59 PM, August 03, 2005  

  • Thanks everyone for the kind words.

    Interesting comment, Mr Libbertz. Thanks AR for the translation. D, yes the soft brush is for the gums yet they take the scraper and tear up your gums. Huh?

    By Blogger Plantation, at 3:43 AM, August 04, 2005  

  • the soft brush is for the gums, which see action 3 times/day, every day (at least in my case; i'm a brush-o-maniac); the hook and scraper job is only done twice/year. Ho capito?

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 8:33 AM, August 04, 2005  

  • Plantation, I had a similar experience with the awkwardness surrounding the medical profession and associated "violation-of-personal-space" experiences. In fact just the other day I was coerced into visiting the dermatologist to check if my moles were cancerous, or cantankerous, or carcinogous, or whatever the word is...I stood there in a robe, had a nice gray-haired lady look aver my whole body, felt uncomfortable, and then tried to walk my wife (the coercing party) through the analysis of whether the aggregrate cost of the discomfort and annoyance outweighed the benefit of knowing if one of my moles might be malignant. It ended up pretty close to a wash, in case you were wondering. This is a long comment. I apologize. Or maybe I should apologize in German...entschuldigung maybe?

    By Blogger Kelly, at 10:10 AM, August 04, 2005  

  • Thanks for the visit Kelly. Uh, I think I've had enough German for one post, thanks.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 5:19 AM, August 05, 2005  

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