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Chasing The American Dream

March 24, 2008


I thought I had this whole L-I-F-E thing figured out. This goal of mine. The chase. I wrote the ending to the book a year ago. It all made sense. The book, the chase, Life. But that was then. Something, or should I say someone, changed all that. I think.

I thought I figured out that what I’d been chasing in this so-called life was happiness. I finally learned through numerous failures that I could be content or happy on my own without that special someone. The journey took me through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows without question. But I’d made it and didn’t look back. Until last week.

Last week caused me to delve further into the definition of happiness. So what happened? Yeah, I met someone. Details omitted at this point but suffice it to say, I felt something I hadn’t felt since CBG. That’s a large statement because despite having four ‘relationships’ during the past 4 ½ years, I never had that feeling with any of those women. Sex, yes. True FEELINGS, no.

We can’t control our minds and how we feel. It just happens. The feelings are there or they’re not. And those feelings are there in your mind 24/7. It’s like your brain swells with thoughts of that person. You wonder what they are up to. You picture a smile, a moment, a memory and it’s inescapable. It makes you feel content. It makes you feel fulfilled. Honestly, I forgot what that feeling was like. I didn’t miss it and didn’t think I needed it to be happy. Now I’m not so sure.

I AM happy. I concluded correctly. But now I’m asking myself, am I fulfilled? And is that part of happiness or something separate and distinct? Can we be happy yet unfulfilled? I think so, but I’m obviously not sure. I think it’s like icing on the cake perhaps. I liked that feeling. I definitely felt happIER even if it only lasted a week. When that feeling dissipates, especially not of your own volition, it’s deflating. It leaves you feeling empty and feeling as if that lost feeling needs to be replaced.

So what now? What of the book, the chase, life? Well, as Fagin once sang in Oliver, “I think I’d better think it out again.”

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  • I believe you can be happy without necesarily being fulfilled. You can be a very happy person, but perhaps have not reached total fulfillment in your life. Therein lies the journey.

    Now some people would say you've been fulfilled and not yet found happiness. I do not agree with this because when are humans truly ever fulfilled?

    By Blogger catsteevens, at 1:51 PM, March 25, 2008  

  • I think fulfillment is the cozy factor of life. It injects warmness into our heart and just for that one moment we feel as though we do not have to strive for anything else or anyone else. We are content.

    Togetherness with the right person is the key to a long lasting contentment which we should strive to "fulfill" in our lives.

    I only have one question for you -- Jesus man, was it only sex for you when we were together?

    I think also that being happy w/o being fulfilled is like having a cake in front of you and you can't eat it. It's not a satisfactory feeling I must say.

    It's blah ... blah .. blah ...

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:28 PM, March 25, 2008  

  • You are back? How I have missed you and this blog!! I am not sure I understand. You met someone, but it only lasted a week? E-mail me sometime, I miss our conversations! Glad to see you are writing again!

    By Blogger Phoenix, at 11:56 AM, March 28, 2008  

  • Hi plantation - found you through Greek Tragedy - I've always enjoyed your comments, and I'm happy to have happened upon your place.

    Best of luck with the contentment...even when life is perfect, do we always long for more?

    By Anonymous 3 teens' mom, at 11:30 PM, March 30, 2008  

  • Tks Teen Mom. Greek's the best, isn't she?

    By Blogger Plantation, at 1:23 AM, April 01, 2008  

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