PLANTATION VS FEDEX, THE REMATCH

I guess this is becoming an annual event. A year ago I said I’d never use FedEx again. I’ve controlled my end of the bargain, but someone sent me a gift via FedEx. I thought perhaps that FedEx could redeem itself after last year’s debacle. I thought wrong.

Thursday last week, I noticed a FedEx door tag near the little call-in security box outside my condo complex. It had my apartment number on it. The tag said the driver couldn’t get in the complex; redelivery was set for Friday. There was no information as to who the sender was. Geez, at least with UPS, they tell you where the package came from and even who the sender is. Friday, same thing. Door tag, couldn’t get into the complex, redelivery set for Tuesday. Tuesday? I guess they don’t deliver on Xmas eve. I wanted that package before Xmas/Hanukkah/Festivus because I didn’t really have many gifts to open.

I wondered why the driver couldn’t get in and how long he really waited. Plus, why the hell didn’t they call me to say they were trying to get in? I could have been there in less than a minute! Frustrating. I looked on the back of the ticket for a phone number. I wanted to see if I could pick it up myself on Saturday. I got the phone number and called. Oh no, the dreaded automated voice response. I really hate having to shout into the phone. Can I just press a button, please?

Let me tell you, that voice response crap is confusing enough. The menu options were so vague it was unbelievable. There was one option to “pick up a package.” As I stumbled through the menu, I realized this meant for FedEx to pick up your package and not for me to pick up my package at the FedEx location. Man was I getting steamed. They didn’t give you an option to speak to a representative. I began shouting my responses into the phone and, of course, Mrs. FedEx computer voice couldn’t understand me. I was totally lost and couldn’t even get back to the main menu. I had to hang up. God, I hate FedEx.

I decided to try the internet route. I got the web address and found the tracking option. It asked for my door tag number and I punched it in. It said there was no such tag number. Hmmm. I looked at the tag and, yes, I typed it in correctly. I tried again. Same thing. No such tag number. Oooh man, was I mad. Now I had to try to call these MFers and battle the computer voice again.

The second call was no better. Same run-around. I was really having trouble calmly expressing my options. I kept saying, “I hate FedEx,” into the phone. “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your response,” said Mrs. FedEx computer voice. Somehow, I ended up in the International delivery department. I was totally exasperated at this point. I explained to the dude that all I wanted to do was to pick up my package at the address the door ticket indicated and I wanted to make sure the package was there before I left the house. He told me to hold. Aahh, success. He said the package would be there after 2 p.m. Saturday.

Saturday afternoon, I called to make sure the package was there. Affirmative. Off I went. 4:30 p.m. on Christmas Eve and I was going to a FedEx office. What a life! I was merrily greeted by a smiling dude wearing reindeer antlers. I guess he was in the Christmas spirit, or so I thought. I gave him my ticket and he typed the number into his computer. His smile instantly vanished. He started mumbling to me about how the package was still in the truck or something and that he would have to search to find it. AND, it was upstairs! Can you believe that? I was making him go upstairs to get my package. The nerve of me! Mr. Antlers steamed off to find my long lost package. I felt like saying, “Hey buddy, isn’t that what you are here to do?” I mean, what else is he here for, for crying out loud?

I looked incredulously at a lady customer in the next line. “That’s a shame, isn’t it? Making him do his job?” She laughed. I heard Mr. Antlers complaining in the back about this day being the longest four hours of his life. Well, it took him all of four minutes to find this seemingly unreachable package. “Sign here,” he demanded. I signed and got the hell out of there, shaking my head as I exited. And after all that, it wasn’t even a gift. It was some basketball tickets I ordered for Andy when he comes to visit in March.

I drove home and guess what I found? Another door ticket outside the complex. Heck, I was THERE at 1 p.m. and I couldn't even get the delivery for crying out loud! Seriously folks, is it just me or does FedEx totally suck? Call me Ebenezer Scrooge but when I think about FedEx, I can only think of two words. Bah humbug.