WILSON!!!!!

Somewhere on a deserted island far, far away, Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) is having an interesting time playing with, cooking with, or eating whatever the hell is in my package.





Remember this tagline? “When it Absolutely, Positively Has To Be There Overnight®.” Apparently, FedEx doesn’t. My sister FedEx’d me a holiday package on 12/14/04. I still haven’t received it. I *do*, however, have enough of those little door stickies to wallpaper the bathroom. The main problem has been that I’m out of town Monday thru Friday and the original instructions said ‘signature required.’ Sticker #3 said ‘Final delivery, call 1-800…’ So I called FedEx and told them the story and told them I’d like to pick up the package. They informed me I couldn’t do this because their warehouse was a non-public facility with no customer service. Uh, so how the hell am I supposed to get this package, I thought? I asked if they could just leave the package without a signature, and they said ‘no.’ They told me only the shipper could remove those instructions. I hung up, called my sis a/k/a the shipper, and I gave her the scoop. I told her she had to call FedEx and change the instructions.

Later that day, I get a two-page email from sis saying how frustrated she was with FedEx. She got the typical voice response system which runs you around while all you want is to desperately talk to a human. She waited and waited, got bounced around from department to department, talked with a million people, and finally got a hold of someone who agreed to change the instructions to ‘leave package on back patio.’ Great, I was all set. Or was I? I was home for the holidays and expected the delivery. It never came, and I didn’t get any stickies either. What the????

I called sis who called FedEx again, and she went thru all the same rigmarole (hmm, always thought this word was rig-A-marole) again. FedEx claimed they had a bad address and couldn’t find my apartment. We confirmed that the address they had was, in fact, correct. Great. Package will be delivered. During the next week, more stickies, no package, more phone calls. They were still claiming a bad address! Once again, I confirmed the address. This week, I think it was Thursday, I got a call from the FedEx Ground Trace Department manager who informed me they were ‘having trouble’ delivering my package. The guy was very nice so I did my best to maintain my composure, something I’m not very good at with these types of instances. I relayed the whole story to him and he apologized. He said the driver was on is way, and I reiterated that I was out of town and that the driver needed to leave the package in my laundry room by the patio. Mr. Manager said he’d type that into the computer and that the package would be delivered soon (Thursday).

Yesterday (Friday), I’m doing my morning sit-ups and I get a call. I curiously look at my watch and it’s 7 am. A cheery FedEx girl informs me that they’re ‘having trouble’ delivering my package and that the driver is on the way and yada yada yada. Broken record. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was so GD mad, I just let this poor girl have it. She poured gas on the fire by arguing back. She flat out told me they couldn’t deliver the package without a signature and that I'd have to come pick it up myself. I argued that the said instructions had since changed which should already be reflected in their records. I also told her I already *tried* to pick up the package, but her wonderful company wouldn't let me claiming it was non-public. I told this idjit that a manager called me just yesterday and told me there would be no problem with the delivery. She then asked me the question I hate the most. “Who did you speak with?” I hate that fucking question. Once again, shouldn’t all that information be in their fucking computers? Shouldn’t they have a record of that phone call and all the previous bullshit I’ve already been through? Seems to me all this history should be available under my tracking number. Makes sense, doesn’t it?

But this chick, according to her, had no record of my conversation with the manager. Was she insinuating I was making it up? Perhaps, but it was clear I wasn’t getting anywhere with her so I asked to speak with her manager. I had to repeat the whole damn story again, and he too had the nerve to ask me who I spoke with? That’s when I let him have it. I flat out told him I didn’t give a shit about their policies and that I wanted him, as a manager, to make an executive decision to make an exception and deliver the package, period. He finally relented. He agreed the driver would leave the package in the laundry room.

About six hours later, I get a call from Manager #1, the guy from Thursday. He kindly if I got my package because his records indicated ‘no delivery.’ My face turned beet red. Since he was nice again, I didn’t give him ‘Angry Todd.’ Instead, I expressed my total frustration and exasperation. Apparently, his department was in Pittsburgh and the idiots I talked with in the morning were local Ft Lauderdale. He asked me *the* dreaded question, but I’d learned my lesson and gave him the guy’s name I'd spoken with earlier in the morning. I told him I was confused as to why the morning manager guy didn’t have a record of our previous conversation? He apologized over and over again. I told him once again that my sis cleared the whole ‘no signature required’ thing. I asked him if he had a record of her conversation? He said he did. The last call from my sis was on 12/30. Great. So I pleaded with him to have the driver leave the package in my laundry room by the patio. He assured me he’d make it happen. {Sigh}

I drove home yesterday with a little excitement knowing I’d have something to look forward to. I mean, getting a package is one of the coolest things, isn’t it? My two-hour drive got me home around 8 pm. I got to my door, and THERE IT WAS!!! No, not the package. It was another sticky which said “Final Delivery, please call 1-800…” After I let out a few f-bombs, I realized I would have to call FedEx once again. I didn’t have the energy and I still don’t. The only words that came to mind were, “What can Brown do for you?” Yeah, go UPS! I’m never using FedEx again. Ever.