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Chasing The American Dream

February 26, 2005


from the episode "Raincoats"Posted by Hello

There's an episode in Seinfeld where Kramer and Jerry's dad Morty decide to go into business together selling men's raincoats. Morty, before retiring, sold raincoats for 35 years. Kramer liked the 'old look' of the raincoats and thought the look was fashionable. So a partnership was formed in which Kramer would get a 25% commission for every coat sold. So Kramer takes the coats all around NY pitching the 'in vogue' coats. He finally finds a guy who will buy all the coats. So Kramer tells George all about the partnership and all the work he's done thus far. George asks how much commission Kramer's getting and when Kramer says "25%," George cries that Kramer's getting ripped off because he's doing ALL of the legwork. Kramer goes into his typical spaz routine and agrees with George that 25% is not enough because he *is* doing all the legwork.

Legwork is very important. Legwork comprises of accomplishing little tasks necessary to complete the big picture. Can't sell raincoats without customers. Gotta go round up some customers. SOMEONE's gotta do the legwork. But legwork can't work as a one-way street. There's gotta be reciprocation or the legman will get fed up and quit. Morty and Kramer disagreed with the percentage. Morty wanted 15% and Kramer wanted 35%. They settled on 25%. Do you think Kramer would do all the legwork for nothing? Yeah, no way.

Where the hell am I going with this? I'm about to tell you. I, like Kramer, am doing ALL the legwork lately when it comes this so-called dating game. The frustrating part is that there is virtually no reciprocation going on, and I am tired and worn out from it. I know I know, speak English, man.

OK here's the thing. I've had lots of IM, email, and phone call conversations with women online. The banter's good and friendships develop, right? It's even progressed to actual dates. But one day I realized that I was the one who always initiated the contact. These women rarely, if ever, even initiated a 'hello.' Why should I be the one to always be the initiator? Because I'm a guy? Personally, I like it when a woman shows some initiative, if you can call it that. I'm not asking that they initiate the actual date, a simple email "hello what's up" would do. So I decided I'd try a little experiment. I would cease and desist all communications and see if anyone would contact me. I wanted to know if anyone out there liked me enough and thought of me enough to say hi.

Survey says? No one has written. Amazing. Sure it may just be a SJNTIY thing. Whatever the case, I've decided to cancel my membership after seven months. I might go back, but I need a break. I guess the friends I thought I had weren't really friends after all. I'm OK with it because I'm tired of wasting my time with people who actually don't give a shit. Sure we're all busy, but that's a lousy excuse. I don't think a little reciprocation is too much to ask from the other side, do you? Of course if you're not interested even in friendship, then I guess you're just not interested plain and simple. Remember girls, communication is a two-way street. Besides, aren't you always preaching you WANT communication from us guys???


  • Whether you like the Ronan Keating or Alison Kraus version better, the message is still the same.

    It's amazing
    How you can speak
    Right to my heart
    Without saying a word,
    You can light up the dark
    Try as I may
    I could never explain
    What I hear when
    You don't say a thing

    The smile on your face
    Lets me know
    That you need me
    There's a truth
    In your eyes
    Saying you'll never leave me
    The touch of your hand says
    You'll catch me
    Whenever I fall
    You say it best
    When you say
    Nothing at all

    (truncated lyrics of 'When You Say Nothing at All)

    Sometimes silence isn't what you perceive it to be.

    By Blogger JuRiScHiCk, at 2:13 AM, February 26, 2005  

  • JC, awesome thought, if only...

    By Blogger Plantation, at 2:42 AM, February 26, 2005  

  • You know, I agree with you completely PT. I have played the "not taking the inititive" while some sweet guy sits at home waiting for my email replies and phone calls and gets nada! It sucks that I did that and I hate to even think the feelings that I caused to surface in those men. Feelings of really liking me and I just dance around taking my sweet ass time in telling them I'm not interested. Why? It's not that I didn't care, yet it was because I was distracted by what I saw as "better" things to consume my time with. Yet, over the years I have learned to be more careful with people's emotions. Just because I haven't invested anything emotionally, doesn't mean that others have not. Good for you for realising those that suck! But remember, you have to put yourself out there in order to be noticed sometimes. It's just like getting a book published. If you don't share your ideas, nobody is going to discover them or you...

    By Blogger Amanda, at 5:03 AM, February 26, 2005  

  • 'Manda, you *used* to be the type of girl I hated when I was in high school/college. Miss Popular, too good for most. Claire, Breakfast Club. Wow have u grown up and changed as has GFF! Tks for your awesome friendship. And believe me, I'm putting myself waaaay out there. Just dropping those that I don't need or want anymore!

    By Blogger Plantation, at 9:19 AM, February 26, 2005  

  • Hey PT! You are still my friend!
    Please Smile for me! I will be there monday morning, so Again I probably won't see you when you check in. I will leave you a happy note though on your key card! Remember to Smile!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:39 PM, February 26, 2005  

  • So I'd have to wonder if these friends were to make the decision to back off and see what happened, they might think that you weren't interested. Just a thought.

    On the other hand, my experience with several dating sites tells me if the emails stop for a while, they're not worth the effort. It's hard to cut the e-things off sometimes. How do you explain to someone that some written words were enough to totally turn you off? I was honest once and the guy kept fighting me, defending what he'd said. Not what I wanted or needed.

    Is it okay to lie and say you're taking a break or make up some plausible b.s? My decision (after that) was to let it go rather than potentially hurt someone. Isn't it better to leave someone thinking maybe they've met The One or their computer broke?

    Sometimes you find what you need when you stop looking for it.

    By Blogger Jewels, at 2:23 PM, February 26, 2005  

  • *previous post comment*

    Narcissistic Personality Disorder or How I Won the War...My Life and Times by: Todd Moser

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:59 PM, February 26, 2005  

  • My male roommate is totally with you on this one. A big turnon for him is for a gal to walk up and say "hi". He's shy. And tired of making the 1st move only to be shot down.

    By Blogger Lyss, at 10:26 PM, February 26, 2005  

  • Dude, where's my comment?

    I left a long, incredibly brilliant comment here before I went out for the evening, and now...it's gone.

    The gist, which is not as compelling as the original:
    Men only think they want women to make the first move. When they do, men are uncomfortable, and unresponsive. Take it from a Jdater who sent close to 50 emails to boys and received two responses. To quote a Seinfeldism: it's all about "having hand." And men (in general--obviously there are exceptions) want to have hand all the time, even when they SAY they don't. IMHO.

    By Blogger Esther Kustanowitz, at 1:37 AM, February 27, 2005  

  • sorry E. you pal blogger's done did it to ya agin. I sent you some IMs.

    Don't think I'm like most. I"m different, trust me. No qualms with initiative.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 2:03 AM, February 27, 2005  

  • don't be so desperate. that repels women faster than anything.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:50 AM, February 27, 2005  

  • Using the www to meet a lady is as bad an idea as hoping to find her in a crowded bar. A smart bachelor will get out there and live life enjoying the things he likes to do and will meet and make friends along the way. Hit the theatre, go shopping, take in the exhibits at the museums and galleries. Enjoy yourself. And when you're not looking cupid is going to shoot you right in the ass and you'll be trotting down that aisle before you know which way is up. When I was single I just did my own thing and it worked fine for me. Meanwhile make sure you are dressing well, looking sharp and smelling good. and do what YOU want to do. She'll come along.

    By Blogger Dan, at 9:53 PM, February 27, 2005  

  • I hope you meet the lady of your dreams...but I have to admit that it's nice to hear that guys have problems, too. :)

    By Blogger Jodie, at 10:31 PM, February 27, 2005  

  • I can only say that I know just how you feel because I'm terribly frustrated about dating, too. As a woman, I have to agree with Esther's comment, too, because I've left messages a-plenty and gotten nothing back in the past. Not dating online doesn't help, either, because dating is just as shallow in real life as it is online. Sigh. Perhaps I'm just not meant to be with someone?

    (BTW, this is my first visit but it won't be my last.)

    By Blogger Denise, at 11:34 PM, February 27, 2005  

  • Thanks all for the thoughts and recommendations and welcome new and newish readers Dan, Jodie, and Denise.

    One point I'd like to make about the women's initiative. I'm not necessarily talking solely about the woman making the first move. I'm talking about once the friendship's established or a date or two has been done, why can't the woman call or email or say hi. Why does she have to wait for the man? *This* and the fact that I always initiate the contact is what frustrates the hell out of me.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 1:39 AM, February 28, 2005  

  • I used to be the kind of person that when I started getting less interested or moving a different direction, I would just pull away and quit initiating anything hoping they would get bored/ticked/tired of it and move on themselves. I have learned (from having it dont to me) how shitty that is and I needed to grow some balls (well, maybe boobs in my case since I'm a girl) and be open and honest and not string them on when I had moved on.

    Busy is an excuse. No matter how busy you are, you make time for what you WANT and what is important to you.

    By Blogger Elle, at 12:25 PM, February 28, 2005  

  • So many good points here. As Dan said, get out and do things. The computer is fine, but should definitely not be your only interest or social link(I doubt it is). I think some men like to be approached and some don't.
    If anyone is approached by someone they don't like, amazingly enough they won't appreciate it. If the feelings are mutual it will just happen.

    By Blogger Gatsby, at 11:16 PM, February 28, 2005  

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