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Chasing The American Dream

January 16, 2005


It's been a short night. I've been up since 3 a.m. I got three hours sleep which is about two below my average these days. What woke me up? Well first of all, it was about 100 degrees in this roach motel. I had to get up and turn on the A/C. That consisted of opening the front door since the A/C unit doesn't work in this room. I looked over and saw my son sleeping peacefully away. There he was, mouth open, a slight snore sneaking out of him, hugging his baby teddy bear. {Sigh} What is it about kids when they’re sleeping? You just wanna immediately crawl into bed with them and give them a big hug.

I miss him. I can't begin to tell you how great it's been spending time with him this weekend (yes yes, I know all you Anon contrarians out there. I chose to leave, I'm a bad father, yada yada yada). This is my last day here before I go back. Perhaps that's what awoke me. I'm trying to cherish every minute with him for soon it'll be over. Thankfully, I'll get to see him in two months when he'll visit me for Spring Break.

So I’ve been trying to keep my mind off of leaving and the emotional heartbreak that we will both face in a few hours. I’ve been blogging for four hours, catching up with most of my blogger friends. Some of you I haven’t been able to reach thanks to this wonderful phone modem. I watched some new MTV show called ‘Boiling Point.’ It’s sort of a meaner spirited Candid Camera. If people are able to keep their cool within 10 minutes or so, they get $100. It’s quite funny actually and kept me entertained for a couple of hours.

I noticed my cell phone light was blinking. Hmm, a text message was left. Figures. I’m emotionally whipped right now. It was ’Demi’/DME/Doctor My Eyes. She was responding to a text I sent her a couple of days ago about my upcoming trip out here. She wished me luck and said she’s on a snowboarding vacation. Ah yes, I remember the good ol’ days when I’d know everything she was up to when she was on vacation. Damn this 5% of me that can’t get over her. I need to cuz it really *is* over.


  • >>Damn this 5% of me that can’t get over her. I need to cuz it really *is* over.

    Because hope does not die swiftly. Sometimes that's a grand thing - and other times, it's a curse....

    Nourish the other 95% and that 5% will eventually die....and you'll hardly ever notice that you're not completely whole anymore without it...

    ttfn ~ maureen

    By Blogger mo, at 10:38 AM, January 16, 2005  

  • cease all contact with her at once. it's over. move on now or be prepared to be burned again. big ocean, plenty of fish (lobster could even be in store for you).

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:40 PM, January 16, 2005  

  • I have been through a divorce myself. I have also learned that while it is highly tempting - and such a sweet case of nearly-anonymous self-justification - that broadcasting every thought on the situation and betraying the confidences of many, many others in the process is not the best way to get over a broken relationship. You're only breaking other relationships, or potential relationships, in the process. I say this through experience. Perhaps it is not the most 'self-nurturing' thing to suggest at the moment, but have you ever considered that you may someday regret all this frankness and honesty?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:05 PM, January 16, 2005  

  • Anon I, I know I know. I rarely talk with her and I know it's over. I think she's going to be asked THE question very shortly anyway. Lobster sounds good. Got anyone in mind for me? PT

    Anon II, I respect your criticism. Rare that criticism I receive is not vengeful. I don't disagree with what you said. I've always said I'm too honest for this world. It gets me in trouble. Someday I'll learn to delicately balance it. I *am* trying to live life without regrets. Take care, PT

    By Blogger Plantation, at 10:24 PM, January 16, 2005  

  • Man, I do not know how you can function not getting to see your son most every day. Having to wait till spring break, what's that? Mid March? I would be going insane. Dude, I feel for you, reading how you sat up and watched your son sleep caused me to break down and even tear up a little. I am lucky, thank God, to have got custody of my daughter and son in what could have been a terrible divorce. Fortunately, for me, it didn't turn out to be a legal battle.

    I have been reading, and I have been thinking about you. I hope you are doing well. I can imagine the fear of not being able to see your kid(s), I just can't imagine the reality. I wish I could sit down with you and have a few beers and talk about things. I have been there....I am just thankful it did not turn out for me as it has for you. I do not mean to say that as an insult....but I sure wish the best for you, and your son.

    By Blogger Chuck, at 11:22 PM, January 16, 2005  

  • Geez. I get so caught up in the things I have "going wrong" in my life that I forget how lucky I am. My two short people are (hopefully) dozing just yards away from me. I get so out of sorts with all these things about my life -- who said what to whom, who looked at me sideways, whether or not I have enough money at the end of the month to buy a friend a thinking of you present -- that I forget that "Hey, I have money in the bank (most of the time), my bills are usually paid, I have a fabulous job that I love, and waking up is more of a joy now than it was six months ago. I forget that not everyone has those privledges.
    I'm sorry you're going to have to leave your son. I truly am. I know how that must hurt.
    And I'm sorry I'm so long winded....

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:39 PM, January 16, 2005  

  • It's all about degrees. Be thankful you have your children. We lost two of ours tragically, before our third, now 6 months old, miraculously became part of our lives.

    I'd give anything to have my two back. ANYTHING. So, count your blessings...even if you only see them sporadically. Be part of their lives--they will feel you there with them no matter how far you are.

    And don't feel sorry for yourselves--ever.

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 7:37 AM, January 17, 2005  

  • About the getting over 5% leftover thing -- as long as you recognize you're going through an emotional hardship and can see that the 5% is emptiness and pain at having to go back to reality and be, once again, without your son or someone who loves you. I've found that when my kids are not with me, thoughts begin to drift to any other option and some aren't all that pleasant.

    Hey, it's not easy dealing with the time when the separation begins. My experience was that it got easier, slowly, over time. I guess by the time I no longer felt empty, she (child who went elsewhere every other weekend) was 18. Sigh. Such is life.

    By Blogger Jewels, at 8:12 AM, January 17, 2005  

  • Plantation,

    I can't even imagine what you're going through. Coming from a divorced family, I know decisions like this are important. Just realize (I'm sure you already do) that you may have to overcompromise with your son to make up for the lost time, so to speak. Make every single day you're together extra special. Call him constantly. Send him cards with newspaper clippings that made you think of him, little gifts, pictures, etc. Ask him about his life as he grows up. So much of my own heartache could have been saved if my dad had just done this. It seems like a lot of divorced dads have the energy & motivation at first, but just lose it as the years go on & they create their own lives and re-marry, etc. Good luck & I look forward to hearing about your progress in your relationship with your son- I know it will be a strong one! Despite what anons say. (speaking of, does your ex or any of her friends know about this blog? some of the comments are so heated it seems very personal)

    By Blogger girl from florida, at 1:21 PM, January 17, 2005  

  • Oh man, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear I was in 'this fish' land. Lotsa love around here. Tks all for your kind words and personal experiences. I know LX is throwing up right now, but these comments mean a lot to me. You guys are too cool.


    By Blogger Plantation, at 5:01 PM, January 17, 2005  

  • ...only from the gin, PT, only from the gin.

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 5:51 PM, January 17, 2005  

  • Looks like I'm late to the party, so I'll just say.

    Me too.

    Hang in there.

    By Blogger La Chat Noir, at 8:43 AM, January 18, 2005  

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