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Chasing The American Dream

December 22, 2004


Part two of a three-part series.

Shortly after ’The Bad’ first date, I received a JDate email. Now for some reason, I have had no luck when women have contacted me first rather than vise versa, and this was certainly no exception. Similar to ‘The Bad,’ we had some nice initial email and IM conversations. She even gave me her digits fairly early on, but there was one major gap, at least in my opinion.

She could see me, but I couldn’t see her. This was a violation of my JDate picture rules (see 11/21/04). I kept asking her for a photo, but she conveniently ignored my question time and again. Talk about your red flags! At first she said JDate hadn’t approved it yet. I let it go for a while but kept asking for it. I really wanted to see a picture before I called her, let alone meet her. To me, this was a logical and simple request, right? I mean honestly, if the person doesn’t initially provide a photo and then refuses to give you one, don’t you immediately suspect the person has something to hide?

So this went on for weeks. I’d ask. She’d refuse. She kept asking me, “When are we gonna meet?” and I kept telling her I wanted to see her picture first. I just didn’t want to feel that awkward, uncomfortable feeling of meeting her for the first time and thinking, Oh man, you’re hideous looking. Somebody help me!

She finally gave me an ultimatum (another red flag). I hate ultimatums, doesn’t everybody? She told me either we meet, or she’s outta here. So I pretty much told her, have a nice day, good luck, see ya’ around, etc. And that was that, or so I thought. The very next day, I saw that she ‘viewed’ me once again. Being the smartass I am, I emailed her and asked her why she was still looking at me if she decided to bolt? No answer. The next week, the same thing happened. I sent her another email only this time she responded and said, “When are we gonna meet?”

Her response was on a Friday night, and I had no plans. I finally ignored my instincts and agreed to see her. Having learned my lesson during ‘The Bad’ date, I agreed to meet her at Starbucks at 9 p.m. I waited outside for 15 minutes for someone to come up to me. I went inside, looked around, saw nothing, and returned to my outside chair. Finally, a woman came out, coffee already in hand and asked me, “Are you who I think you are?”

I said, “Yes, I believe I am.” Well, she wasn’t bad looking. I actually had the lowest-of-low expectations so she actually exceeded them. She dressed sluttily with tight jeans and a little blouse that didn’t bother to cover her navel. We went inside, I mentioned to her that I had planned to buy her the coffee, but she beat me too it. I offered to buy her a pastry, but she said she was fine.

After I got my coffee, I sat down with her and we chatted. Her personality matched her dress code. Cheap and slutty. She asked me how she looked, and I told her she looked good (a slight exaggeration). She then proceeded to bitch to me that she hated JDate, and that she could get any guy she wanted at her Jewish singles club. She bitched and moaned some more about JDate, and then looked at her watch and said she had to pick up her daughter from soccer. So, just like that, she just picked up her keys and bolted like a bat outta hell! I don’t even remember what she said as she ran out. I think it was something like, “Nice meeting you.” The ‘date’ lasted a whole 10 minutes. I must have set some sort of Olympic JDate record for quickest date in history. What an ugly experience *that* was!

I just kind of sat there laughing at myself for ignoring my instincts and all the red flags that she so conveniently raised for me. I also thought about the whole ‘The Bad Date’ experience and my advice to go for the coffee date instead of the restaurant date. Well, I was now zero for two in my search for the perfect date. And I was confused. Neither method was successful, now what? At least I got ‘The Bad’ and ‘The Ugly’ out of the way. Now I hoped ‘The Good’ would finally come my way. I was thinking I might just need a little creativity to make it so…


  • Eh, feck it my good man. This one was at least short (not sweet) and didn't cost you much. Who the feck knows with some people? This one is just amusing. I'm glad you laughed about it. You should've yelled: So...what the feck did you want?"


    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 11:44 AM, December 22, 2004  

  • I've gotta say, that I get great great amusement out of reading about your dating life....SORRY!! I'm not sure what to say to you "advice-wise" because to some people i think "you need to be more picky" and then there are some i think "quit being so picky" but you are somewhere in the middle. I'm impressed you agreed to meet her w/out seeing a pic first. Dont know if i would have!

    I agree with the previous person on atleast it was short and cheap. I think that the coffee dates and the nice wine and dine dates are both awesome dates, but no matter what you do on a date, if it is with a crummy person in some way or another, it will suck. (no matter what, i wouldnt bring a gift on a first date...thats kinda awkward to the girl because then she feels bad for not bringing you something...unless it is just a single flower of some kind). Anyway, good luck to you and i wish you the best!

    By Blogger Elle, at 5:01 PM, December 22, 2004  

  • A,

    I guess you're not a first timer, but first time you left your name so thanks for the visit and the kind words.

    I can't believe you women all agree about not bringing a gift, but hey, I *AM* listening. I've got a source I'd like to pose the question to and get her take on the subject. I think her answer will be most insightful. Stay tuned...

    By Blogger Plantation, at 5:24 PM, December 22, 2004  

  • Hi P, it's not clear to me why you thought the coffee-date wasn't at least an improvement over the dinner scene. The whole idea is (in my mind anyway) that this should be a relatively quick look-see, not a real date. Although, if there is chemistry, it could turn into one. Other women can vote on this, but it seems obvious to me. I wouldn't want to commit to more than half an hour in that situation, just in case. Also, since she wasn't bad looking, you probably would have met her after seeing her picture anyway, but I totally agree with you: If the other person is dragging their heels with the picture more than a couple of days I'm outta there. Your instincts were right! Now learn to listen to them -- except for the music! ;)) Oh, another thing: I'd resist announcing your plan to pay for anything, it doesn't sound natural. Just pay if it can be done easily and casually. The fact that she bought her own coffee without waiting for you shows it's irrelevant to her, anyway. Looking fwd to part 3!

    By Blogger squarepeg, at 7:39 AM, December 23, 2004  

  • SP, I think there's one thing I didn't make clear. Usually, one can tell simply thru a series of emails and phone calls whether there is some 'chemistry' or not. By the time I'm ready to meet someone, I'm reasonably sure we'll have a good time. And this should really be the goal. Have a good time. I used to look at it like, 'is she gonna be THE ONE?' Now I just look to have a nice time and just see what develops. So the coffee thing just doesn't do it for me; however, in the no-picture girl case, I didn't know her at all and the coffee 'date' was the perfect solution. As you said, a quick look-see. So in that regard, it served its purpose more so than the dinner. FYI, had I seen her pic, I wouldn't have met her. Tks for the feedback and valid points. Pt 3 is coming soon.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 9:29 AM, December 23, 2004  

  • There's no excuse to not have a picture online. These days, everyone can find one. (Of course, there are those who put up such God-awful photos that it's a wonder anyone gives them a chance at all, but that's another post.) I'd like to believe that looks don't matter at all, but let's be real: they do. And you don't know that from IM or emails or phonecalls. A perceived chemistry can fizzle once you meet (this has happened to me lots, lately) and that's probably even more upsetting than just going to a 10-minute coffee date with someone you really have no idea about.

    And BTW, Todd, you're like one of the only guys I know who would reject a woman for baring her midriff. In fact, I trace my single status solely to my refusal to wear child-sized t-shirts.

    By Blogger Esther Kustanowitz, at 12:18 PM, December 23, 2004  

  • E, agreed regarding the fizzle. That's the most disappointing aspect. Of course we all know, our so-called blogger rules and lists are generalizations and are made to be broken. I recently met someone sans the picture so, hey readers, you can't fault me for being too rigid. More on that date down the road.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 2:33 PM, December 23, 2004  

  • I can't agree with you on the chemistry being clear via emails and phone calls, because I've wasted -- WASTED -- months being in love with more than one person by email/phone and when we met, nuthin'. Lessons learned: a) expect nothing; b) meet as quickly as possible to avoid time-wasting emailing and phone-talking; c) commit to nothing more than look-see coffee for first meeting; and of course d) expect nothing.

    By Blogger squarepeg, at 12:24 AM, December 24, 2004  

  • Perhaps 'chemistry' was too strong a word. Maybe I meant 'connection?'

    By Blogger Plantation, at 1:17 AM, December 24, 2004  

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