PERFECT FIRST DATE? (THE BAD)

Part one of a three-part series.

I’ve been doing the online dating thing for around five months now. I must say that it has actually exceeded my expectations. Maybe not from a dating perspective, but I’ve ‘met’ many nice people who I now consider my good friends. Friends I’ve grown to know via emails and not via dates. And for that, I’m grateful to have joined.

But I have to admit, I wrestled with the online dating concept. I thought symbolically, if I decided to go that route that I would be crossing the line into what I deemed as “Loserville.” Heck, what did I know? I thought it was a dating source for people who couldn’t get dates any other way. Since I’m forever traveling out of town for my job, I don’t realistically have a chance to meet people. I’m not a pick-up-a-girl-in-a-bar-type guy anyway. What other choice did I have? My friends and family said they’d heard good things about JDate. So I finally caved and crossed the imaginary line. I’ve learned a lot in a short period of time. I’m sure us online daters have endless stories. I’ve got three in succession I’d like to share, and I’m presenting them in the order in which they occurred. I don’t have the answer yet, but I’m gaining clues through experience to answer the question, “What is the perfect first date?”

We all have our own opinions on what is the ideal first date. It even says so in our JDate profiles. I think women are a bit more conservative, and rightly so when it comes to the dreaded first date. Women seem to want the safe meeting at Starbucks. You can’t get into too much trouble over a Venti double-shot non-fat Caramel Macchiato extra-foam, no whip whatever.

But guys are looking to make an immediate impression. True, we probably would make a decent impression just by dictating that Caramel thing correctly. Heck I’d be impressed if someone could rattle that off! But it’s certainly easier to make a positive impression by selecting a nice restaurant with nice ambiance, good food, and a decent wine list from which you can show off you’ve got taste, class, knowledge, or lack thereof.

So whenever I get to what I call stage 3, the first date, (stage 1 being IM or email, stage 2 being the phone call), I always shy my newfound friend away from the coffee meeting and gear more toward the nice dinner. This had been a great strategy. But eventually, as I found out the hard way, it can come up and bite you on the ass. Here’s what happened.

Things certainly started out well. We initially ‘met’ when she actually sent me an email and I responded. We got along well from the beginning. Lots of humor, laughs, good banter. Eventually, I threw her my digits (online vernacular for phone number) and she called me. More laughs, humor, and banter. So we talked about stage 3. She wanted the coffee routine, and I boldly suggested we go to dinner since I just knew we’d get along so well just like we had been.

I called my best friend who gave me an excellent restaurant recommendation. He said it had great seafood, great appetizers, great desserts, and a great wine list. I asked my date if she liked seafood, and she said she loved it. So it was all set. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a reservation after 6 o’clock, so I foolishly took the 6 o’clock reservation. I figured hey, popular place, crowded, we won’t be sitting until well after 7.

We did the typical first date thing and met each other at the restaurant versus me picking her up. I never like to walk in empty handed so I usually bring a small gift. It’s usually music-related like a CD. For me, I like to learn my date’s musical tastes and then make her a CD that sort of fits what I conclude are her tastes. The other thing the gift is good for is an out, or a chance to exhibit some humor which is usually part of the JDate female most wanted requirements list. Standard line? Something like, “Here’s a CD for you. Hey, if you hate my guts at least you walk away with some good music to listen to!”

So I gave her the CDs (an alternative mix and Gavin DeGraw) and the tagline. She seemed pleased and laughed. Great! Off we go, I thought. But then the date started to go the wrong way. My assumption about the seating was dead wrong. They sat us immediately. It was still light out. Bad karma. Nice place though. Kind of loud and happening.

Anyway, I took a looked at the wine list and asked her what type of wine she’d prefer? She replied that it was ‘too early’ to drink and ordered a Diet Coke. She said she might have some ‘later.’ Hmm. Curious, I thought. Well that killed the bottle of wine idea so I just ordered a glass. The menu was awesome, a million terrific choices. I asked my date if she’d like to share an appetizer? And without any hesitation, she flat out said, “No, I’m just gonna order an entree.” Well, the alarms were certainly going off in my head now. Does this girl have any sense of adventure?

Skipping ahead. We ordered dinner. It was awesome. Truly outstanding yet she was sort of blah over the whole thing. Clearly, a pattern had been established. Then, in the middle of dinner she said to me, “Would you be terribly insulted if I give these CDs back to you? I don’t like this kind of music.” I thought long and hard before I answered. I said I wouldn’t be insulted, but I asked her how the heck she knew she didn’t like it already when she didn’t even try listening to it? She reconsidered and agreed to give it a shot, but her pattern continued. No adventure. No passion. Dead fish.

So you get the gist of the date? Now don’t get me wrong, we had a nice time. We talked for over four hours. We hugged goodbye and that was that. But then it really got strange. We spoke afterward on JDate about the date. She was eager to find out my opinion. I didn’t want to lay it all out for her so I just told her I had a nice time and that if we go out again, it was her turn to tell me all about her since I did most of the talking on our first date.

A day later, she was still eager to find out what I thought and whether and/or when we were going out next. So I asked her on an honesty scale of 1-10, how she would like me to answer her question? She wanted the 10, so I gave her the 10. I was honest and polite and basically told her she did not seem happy enough to be there and lacked overall enthusiasm which were two qualities very important to me. I also told her that we were not musically connected either which was a quirk of mine, but one I had to have nevertheless.

Well she took offense to what I said, and retorted that she was not enthusiastic because she didn’t see herself attracted to me romantically. Hmmm, she was eager as hell for the next date, but not attracted to me. Doesn’t add up, right? Then she flew off the handle and said she has got enough friends anyway. I managed to calm her down and told her she was walking away from a potential good friend who she would be missing out on in this good life of ours.

The bottom line was that she was insecure and perhaps immature. So what is the moral of the story? Basically, $10 sunk is a lot better than a c-note. Gee, I never even considered that risk! You waste a lot of money because you didn’t get to know the person beforehand. So is that why you girls like the coffee gig? It makes sense to me now. It was worth the $100 to learn that important lesson. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go practice how to say, Venti double-shot non-fat Caramel Macchiato extra-foam, no whip…