STARBUCKS ALTERS MUFFIN FORMULA (and other travel musings)

Has anyone noticed Starbucks has changed their recipe for low-fat muffins? Yeah, their muffins were actually very tasty despite being low-fat. Now, all the toppings are front-loaded into the muffin tops. Like, once you eat the top, if you can manage it, you’ll find nary a blueberry after that and are stuck with a clump of tasteless batter. Yuck. I guess they opted for a cheaper supplier. Boo, Starbucks!

One bad thing about red-eye flights is that most of the airport shops and restaurants are closed. I got lucky; this one Mexican restaurant/bar was open. I sat down at the bar, looked at the menu, and was all ready to order a blue corn quesadilla when the female bartender said to me, “I can only give you a drink sweetie; the kitchen’s closed.” Damn, now I had to go to Wendy’s if I was to eat dinner. I hadn’t stepped into a Wendy’s in over three years and nothing looked good to eat. So I ordered a large fry and a large Diet Coke. Perfect for my seefood diet where I have been eating junk food for the past two weeks. There were no available seats so I took my ‘dinner’ across to the nearly empty Mexican joint. I sat down and three fries later, a waitress (sorry, she doesn’t deserve to be called a server) came up to me and said, “Sir you can’t have that to-go cup in here.” I quickly told her that it was because her fine establishment refused to serve me food that I was forced to go elsewhere. She said, “Well technically, you can’t bring food in here either. It’s a health code violation.” I got up in the middle of her spiel ready to curse her out. I mean, it was 10 friggin p.m. and the place was empty. Who cares? You think there was a health inspector handy ready to pounce on me for my illegal fries? But I kept my cool and just walked out without saying anything. She was still spieling as I left.

These damn money-hungry airlines. Why else would you invent the dreaded middle seat? More revenue, of course. The middle seat is worthless thanks primarily to the mindless and thoughtless passengers on my left and right. The luxury of a window or aisle seat is that you have much more room. You can lean into the aisle or against the window and every little bit helps in those cramped planes. I always do the lean to spare the poor middle seat passenger. But people just don’t think. Aisles and windows constantly take both arm rests leaving the middle seat with no arms to rest. And jeez people, if you’re gonna sleep, please lean away from me. You’ve got the whole aisle or window to lean. Why cave me in further? The last flight I was on, the window guy was snoring in my ear, and the aisle guy was literally leaning on my right shoulder for support. Aren’t most airlines on the brink of bankruptcy anyway? What’s another 60 less middle seats? C’mon guys, lose the middles.

I could never be a pilot. I’d have to wear that ridiculous-looking hat. That black and white thing that looks like it was purchased at Disneyworld. Nope. Couldn’t do the hat. And why are they always walking around with the hats on? Is the terminal considered inside the ropes and thus, they have to wear the hats? Why not wear the hat only in the plane itself? Do football players wear their helmets in public or just on the playing field itself? I think the pilot hat needs to be reevaluated.

You ever notice there are never enough seats at the gate? Not nearly. If flights average 150-200 people, why have only 100 seats? And then you have those inconsiderate but lucky passengers who not only find a seat, but they put their carry-on bags etc. on that rare empty seat next to them. Uhhh, excuse me?

Whenever I lean toward having more kids someday, all it takes is a little trip through the airport to smack that thought clear out of my mind. The whole deal with the strollers, car seats, diaper bags, lugging that stuff around along with the kids, the crying on the plane trying to keep the kids quieted and comforted as 200 angry strangers look your way. And do you ever notice that the crying kids always fall asleep about 10 minutes before the plane lands? I’m not sure I could handle the stress. I mean, I can barely handle the stress of a tasteless low-fat blueberry muffin. Can you imagine?

I don’t think I’ve ever sat next to a pretty woman on a plane. I’m usually stuck with people like the inconsiderate pair I mentioned above. I don’t think I’d mind it so much if a pretty woman chose to sleep on me. Oh crap, there’s the announcement for my “zone.” "Boarding zone nine." Why can’t they say, “Boarding rows 10-15,” like they used to? What’s the difference anyway? They're boarding the plane the same exact way? Do they really think they're fooling us? Well, I’m in lucky seat number 11D. You guessed it. Middle.