RAINING ON MY PARADE

After eight consecutive perfect weather days, it finally rained. Not only did it rain, it absolutely poured for three straight hours. Andy and I got soaked but still had fun at the Miami Seaquarium. I thought the worst was over, but at night a real storm hit.

It’s been a great vacation thus far. I mean, what’s not to love? Spending time bonding with your son playing sports, going to sporting events, museums, attractions, etc. How could I possibly screw that up? Well, perhaps I have. If you ask his mother, I definitely have, as usual.

I don’t get much time with my boy. Two weeks twice a year. She reminds me it was my choice to move so far away and that, “most people can’t fathom that.” Ouch. I’m learning it’s hard to build a confident relationship with Andy four weeks out of the year. Sure I talk to him almost daily on the phone but it’s not the same. These days I spend with him, I look forward to being a father most. I look forward to teaching him things and being able to talk about anything. We talked about this during the last vacation. I, more than anything, wish that he will be able to talk to me about anything that’s on his mind without repercussions from me. Small progress has been made but the last time I saw him was eight months ago.

And so tonight, I found out a lot of what was on his mind. But unfortunately, I found out from his mother. And then came a litany of criticisms. I’ve made a choice not to get into it with her or point out or criticize things I think she does wrong. I tried to point this out to her in a responding email which was then met with even more criticism. I remember a conversation we had when we were trying to work things out. I gave her credit for being a great mother to him, but faulted her for not being a good wife. She faulted me for not being a good husband and not being a good father. I give her the husband part but the father line will always hurt me. Her criticisms hurt me. I suppose some are valid perhaps but to me, they are her opinions. I suppose she’s the expert because she lives with him and I certainly can’t refute that. But I think even if I were at home, our ideas of parenting are different and I’m not even sure we’d agree on things if I were home with him.

I’m definitely not perfect and I’m not going to say everything correctly as she would want me to. Say it this way, say it that way. Whatever. I say things the way I see them. I’m honest and I guess that’s not so good for kids his age. I mention that I can’t be with him on family vacations because her family really doesn’t want me around. I’ve not heard from any of them since October 2003. I told Andy that people make choices. I had a brother-in-law who was like my real brother. I loved that guy. Yet I haven’t heard a word from him since. I’ve wronged his sister, and I suppose that’s difficult for him to accept. That hurts but it’s his choice not to call. Sure it was my choice to leave and ultimately my fault, I suppose. I tried to explain to Andy that this situation is not likely to change. His mother and I are not getting back together and I’m not going to be joining him on family vacations. That’s a tough concept for a nearly 10-year-old boy to grasp. I should know, I lived through the very same thing. I never mentioned the word “hate” but I guess that’s his takeaway as she communicated back to me. I know her family is most important to him, but I just felt the need to explain that. My family hasn’t seen him since the divorce believe it or not. I wish I could change and arrange everything for everybody but I can’t.

I’m just tired of getting read the riot act. I’m tired of the nagging. I’m tired of accusations. I think the divorce decree speaks for itself in the fact that her accusations were frivolous and quite frankly, ridiculous. I wish things were different. I had hoped that things would improve between us. I had hoped I’d gain a little respect and confidence but tonight’s episode has left me with little hope and that’s sad. I mean, I dread when I get an email from her or I see the phone ring because I know it’s something wrong that I did or money she needs for something. It’s nights like these that make me glad I’m on medication.

I’m going to continue to strive and hope that Andy and I will some day be able to talk to each other freely. That’s my biggest wish. I suppose that’ll come about with age. Until then, I’ll hope for baby steps. A story here or there where he tells me he did something wrong or he asks me for advice. And I’m sure I’ll make more mistakes along the way. I also wish that some day, I gain some respect and confidence from his mother that I’m a capable father. Again, baby steps. Sure this post will be a setback because she reads the blog. Why? I don’t really know.

Tomorrow’s another day. I hope it’s sunny out. I’m waterlogged and need to dry out from all this literal and figurative rain. He’s sleeping comfortably now. I just checked on him. So peaceful. I’ll do my best to make sure these last two days are peaceful and relaxing. We’ll laugh, we’ll eat, we’ll play, and hopefully and most importantly, we’ll talk.