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Chasing The American Dream

February 26, 2006


Part of the fight I’ve had with myself for the past two-plus years is to somehow find inner peace, harmony, and happiness. I’m sure to some, that sounds like a load of crap. Heck, if I read that myself two years ago, I’d probably think the same thing. But I’ve traveled far both physically and mentally. It’s been tough and it’s not over. It may never be over. It may never be over. This is what I’m learning and have to keep reminding myself.

Why? Well, I’ve put forth extreme effort to make myself a better person. I’ve risked embarrassment to friends and family by facing my imperfections and dealing with them. The results have been, well, positive. And I think that is the common denominator to the facets of my self-improvement. Again through advice of doctors and family, I’ve dedicated the rest of my life to be a much more positive person. And that means surrounding myself with positive people and positive things and at the same time, shedding the negativity in my life.

The result is I’ve got a new job, a short commute, gained new friends, and lost other so-called friends. Nothing scares me more these days than negativity. It’s a sure bet to short-circuit my chase to find someone to share my life with. I don’t’ think what I’m looking for is asking too much. I seek out shiny, happy, positive women who smile a lot, enjoy life, and are fairly even-keeled. I don’t mind complicated women because we all have our issues. And lord knows I’ve gone way out of my way to help many women who have gone through issues similar to my own. I want all of us to succeed. I want all of us to be happy. But I guess this just isn’t possible, is it?

My biggest disappointments are those that don’t appreciate my help, question my commitment or integrity, or the fact that the outward positive outlook can vanish in a flash like some Jekyll and Hyde type situation. You know those Jekyll's right? Happy one minute and down the next and you never know which one you're gonna encounter? These disappointments have a tendency to crush my spirit. As a result, I have to step away and remove myself quickly. And because of the new me, it can take me a while to get over these failed frienships and/or relationships. I guess it’s the fact that I put forth such effort and in the end, get little in return. I’m tired of being bitched at. I’m tired of husbands or boyfriends calling me to tell me to “stay out of it.” Sounds strange I know, but yes, I’ve been fooled. I’m tired of people doubting me. I’m tired of negativity.

Recently, I discovered a chatroom where I found and gained a bunch of "friends." Two months later, I'm quitting because of all the negativity; some of it directed toward me and my character. And that's disappointing. It brings upon sadness because of time wasted and an unwanted feeling of doubt creeping in. It's quite a story in and of itself. I'm sure I'll write about it once I've had some time to truly reflect on my experience.

I guess writing is my way of ridding the negatives. I need to dump these crapass feelings somehwere so I can go back and meet the world with a smile once again. Bottom line? I need positives. I need to slurp them up as if they were the last cheerios swimming in milk at the bottom of my cereal bowl. Why are those O’s so elusive? They seem to repel my spoon. Maybe if I figure out the mystery of the cheerio, I can apply it to my lifetime search for friendships and Ms. Shiny Happy People.


  • ".....it can take me a while to get over these failed frienships and/or relationships."
    Me too! And I don't understand why it nags at me so much.

    I'm constantly working on the positives. I have to, especially with all the situations in my life. And I believe it works. Attitude is everything. Great vibes, positive thoughts, good karma. I'll do it all - just to stay on the right track.

    By Blogger catsteevens, at 6:54 PM, February 28, 2006  

  • I love the Positive People! And yes I know those Mr. Hydes are out there, too. It's weird. Self-improvent is the great american past-time.

    By Blogger Jake Silver, at 4:43 AM, March 01, 2006  

  • There are certainly some people who are happier than others. And others who are more upbeat, but sometimes in the process of masking a darker, more human side. And dark is interesting, although not all the time. I would venture to say that most bloggers have significant dark moments, and that's what keeps us all searching for connection, online and off.

    By Blogger Esther Kustanowitz, at 2:47 PM, March 07, 2006  

  • There's a perfectionist in all of us, and if we can accept that we're not perfect, then we can go on. I've had to learn that and even now it can be an obstacle. Being positive and practicing positive becomes our aura, that's why when you see someone who looks happy, they're practicing positive, but who really knows what they've been through or if it's really a facade? Sometimes I think that having a positive aura can sometimes attracts negative people, maybe because they want to be like you. I have a hard time dealing with negative people. If I can reach them, I feel better, if not, but some are just hopeless, or need to find the answers on their own. However, I believe you're on the right road, and as you look back to each chunk of your past life, you'll see how much you've grown.


    By Blogger Mari, at 8:55 PM, March 07, 2006  

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