SHIT LIST

Well, I didn’t waste any time, did I? It only took me three weeks to show up on the tenant complaint list. My landlord called me to tell me a complaint was filed against me. He said it involved something about parking. And that’s all I needed to know. I already knew what the complaint was and who it was that complained about me…

Before I moved into my new place, I had to be interviewed by the condo association president to see if I was worthy enough to live there. When I finally got a hold of this guy on the phone, I almost immediately had a dislike for the guy. He was pushy and arrogant. The anti-me. I told my landlord about the conversation I had with the president, and he confirmed that the guy was basically a jerk. Swell. I could hardly wait for my interview.

The interview itself went well, but I was right about the president. He walked, talked, looked, and acted arrogant. I guess being a condo president (and no, I’m not going to capitalize president for this guy) is a lofty achievement for him. Ooh, all this power! And that was it. I was approved and never heard from the guy.

The complaint itself was filed anonymously to the third-party company who manages the condo association. Here’s how it was read to me:

The tenant in #103, Todd Moser has some issues:
His parking spot is right outside of his unit, next to the gate. It is in the corner outside his door against the gate. There is a guest spot right next to his spot. He has been parking in the middle of the two spots taking up both the guest and reserved spot.

He has also been deliberately parking in the guest spot next to his spot. There has been no evidence of anyone parking in his spot while he has been taking up the guest spot.

I found a bag of garbage the other day sitting outside the dumpster gate next to the recycle bins. It was left overnight and animals were tearing into it b/c there was garbage from the bag strewn around. I took it upon myself to remove the garbage and dispose of it properly in the dumpster. There was a fed ex bill in the garbage that was addressed to Todd Moser in #103.

You guys cracking up, or what? I look pretty bad here, don’t I? Well here’s the story. My assigned spot is directly next to that gate that’s mentioned. Encroaching on my spot is all the electric boxes used to work the gate, plus two safety poles designed to protect the equipment. So the spot is undersized. Now if there is a car directly next to that spot, the so-called guest spot, there is no way I can turn directly into my spot without hitting that car. You need a bicycle to negotiate that sharp turn. So I gotta drive around in a circle, reverse, and come at it at a different direction.

Then I have to slide in between the car parked in the guest spot and those friggin poles. The best possible scenario is to angle park. I guess this is what’s meant by ‘parking in the middle.’ But what was bugging the hell out of me was that this red sports car was *always* in that guest spot 24/7. Once it finally moved, I decided to block it by parking in the guest spot and leaving mine open. This also made it easier to move my stuff in and out as I was still moving boxes in and out. I did this for the first week, but then returned to parking in my spot.

Meanwhile, the red sports car continued parking in that damn guest spot. I wondered who the hell was the car owner of that damn car. Well you guys already know where I’m going with this. Sure enough, I saw him driving around the parking lot in that red car. “That Motherfucker,” I thought to myself! That’s how I know it was Mr. Arrogant Asshole complaining. He wanted his own personal guest spot. I already knew where he parked his other car which was basically right behind that spot. I guess he was usurping his presidential power to stop me from parking in a guest spot. Funny, I don’t recall parking in a guest spot as being a violation of association rules. I guess me parking there was just eating away at his ego, and I guess it was the garbage bag that put him over the top.

It’s true. I left a garbage bag next to the recycling bins one morning. Being new, I didn’t have a key to the dumpster which was locked. Normally, it wasn’t locked. The bins said recycle only so I didn’t want to put the bag in there. So I just left it conveniently next to the bins thinking the garbage truck would be picking it up within the hour. The truck comes daily and early in the morning so I figured what was the harm. Just my luck that “animals” attacked my bag. Wonder what these “animals” were? Pumas? Panthers? Hyenas? Hmmm.

Sure I had to reply to the association with a letter explaining my “issues.” And I guess I’m not going to be evicted either although I really wouldn’t care to be honest with you. To me, this whole thing just boggles my mind how some people in this world live their lives for them and no one else. I just don’t understand how people can worry about such small shit when there are so many more important things going on in this world. I really dislike people like this guy. I mean really. Sneaking behind someone’s back and tattling? Good grief. Big-headed yes, but pea-brained. Every day, I see that red car parked next to me and I just want to bash right into it. I can’t wait to see that guy one of these days. I’m gonna tell him the next time he has a complaint against me to have the balls to knock on my door and confront me about it. I know one thing about this guy. He’s a big Steeler fan. So this weekend, I’m going to be the biggest Colt fan this country’s ever seen.