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Chasing The American Dream

February 17, 2005


Why does it seem like life's down cycles seem to last a helluva lot longer than its up cycles? When you're down in those depths like I've been for the past, oh six years, you wonder if you'll ever climb out? This week has really been a struggle for me. Work has been totally unbearable. My one month assignment has turned into a one-year clusterfuck. I've been out-of-town for a year now. ENOUGH! I have given everything one guy can possibly give, yet no one wants to listen to me. My staff is now growing tired and irritable. I'm doing my best to appease them. My client has realized far too late how important Sarbanes-Oxley legislation is to public companies. So now we're having to cram about six months of work into two weeks. I hate being out of town. I'm tired of eating out. I'm getting fat. I'm not exercising enough. My dating pattern is a fucking joke. Right now my mom is 'visiting' me. Only I'm not home because of this fucking shitty job. She came last year and I spent her four weeks in Philadelphia, only getting to see her on the weekend. Who the fuck knew a year from then, I'd still be working out of town? Can you tell I'm a little PO'd? So once again, she's visiting for three weeks and I'll only be able to see her on the weekend. My son was supposed to visit me in three weeks, but I'm getting pushback and it's gonna cost me and arm and a leg to get him over here. Not *even* gonna get into *that*. I sent a good friend a Valentine's Day present. It was different. It was unique. It was late by a day, but logistically it had to be. It was overnighted on Monday. Arrived on Tuesday. Spoiled on Wednesday. Why? Cuz she was sick on Tuesday and didn't show up at work. She got it Wednesday. Too late. I'm meeting some really neat women. Problem is that they're either married, have boyfriends, or live a million miles away. Jdate sux. I'm getting hit on by 45-50 year-old-women who say they are 35. Uh, have you looked at your picture?

No, there's not much right in my life now. Sure this is a total lame, self-pity venting exercise. It's not designed to gain sympathy. I'm just venting cuz who the fuck else is gonna listen? I didn't even plan to write this, but shit just keeps happening.

The good news is that I do have a sounding board. You guys. My second family. I hope this post doesn't offend or alienate anyone. Sometimes we have to clear our minds. I'm done now.

I know we've had our disagreements on this topic, but one thing has been a constant for me. My rock. My companion. My voice of reason, love, anger, passion, happiness, and sadness. It's Music, of course. Tonight was a good nite for late nite TV music. At least for me. Sum 41 was on Leno. They sang "Pieces," Great song. And then I saw the Avril Lavigne reprise on Leno. She sang "Nobody's Home." Love that one too. Great lyrics on both songs. Go ahead and click the songs and listen for yourself. Dunno why, but I feel immediately better. Thanks music.

My blogger friend Allison has tagged me wth a music survey. I'm working on it now. Can't wait to post it. Stay tuned and sorry again for the rant. Hey Up cycle, I'm ready for you anytime...


  • I'm first!

    Ok, wow... Number one, this is what happenes when you make post at 2:54 am. Everything surfaces. Which in my opinion is theraputic in it's own right. I can't state that I know what you are going through, because I don't... apart from the not working out as much as I should. You love to run! Get your running shoes on. Not just for exercising, but for life! Go at it with full force and if you know what changes you want made, "Shut up and do it," as my friend Beth's husband says.
    If anything you have a great network of stranger, *ahem* friends that are behind you!

    By Blogger Amanda, at 4:14 AM, February 17, 2005  

  • Rant on! We're lucky to have this outlet for expression.

    Look at the bright side. If you spent every day of those four weeks with Mom, the moments you do have wouldn't seem so precious and you have no time to be at each other's throats. Besides, she's enjoying the gorgeous weather we've been having and meeting all kinds of people.

    And I'll bet being hit on by old ladies isn't nearly as rough as being hit on by 18 - 21 year old guys who say they're 30.

    As for Jdate, ever think of taking a break and taking care of Todd for a while? I'm not quite sure what guys do to pamper themselves, but maybe it's time to indulge yourself a little.

    And the upcoming, albeit costly, time with your son will work wonders on the soul.

    It will get better.

    By Blogger Jewels, at 5:49 AM, February 17, 2005  

  • Finally, a good, angry post/rant. I wish the "new Garden State you" or whatever you call it, would write more of this. There's nothing wrong with showing and working through your frustration. It makes you much more human than the Buddha you (or others) strive so much to be. Fuck hell...anger is good. Getting it out is therapeutic. Jobs suck all around--they're even suckier when they're out of town. Don't know what JDate is, but it sounds like a piece of shite service. You and many others have been complaining about it for a while. I wait for that one post, one late night, when everything caves in and you tell us all about it. And then I wait for the follow-up, where you pull yourself out of the hole and start over. Again. And again. Because that's what this shite life is all about. Long Live Sisyphus!

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 7:03 AM, February 17, 2005  

  • hi,

    i really like your writing. your blog is one of a select few that i have tagged under my favorites. i'm sorry for what you're going through. i cycle much more quickly than you do, sometimes going from down to up and back to down all during the course of one day. i can't imagine what a six year down must feel like. there must be some positives in your life though. at least that's the sense that i get from some of your comments on alyson's blog. hang in there and keep writing.

    By Blogger ropedncr, at 9:16 AM, February 17, 2005  

  • I live for ranty posts.
    Seeing your son will change you perspective completely.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:59 AM, February 17, 2005  

  • I think I have to agree with Robotnik on this one. This sounds more like YOU then complacency/ Garden State you. Sometimes you just have to let it out, Todd. That sucks about work. It sucks about the Valentines present (that REALLY sucks, because knowing you, I'm sure it was something wonderful & thoughtful), it sucks about your mom & your son. So I'm happy that you're writing about all this tough stuff to get it out & talk about it. And remember we're all here to listen and lean on when you're feeling frustrated.

    Also, maybe you should do as Jewel said and take some time for YOU. I was also wondering if there are any club/sport type things you can join around there- book clubs, soccer teams, etc. Several couples have formed out of our soccer team. It's just a great avenue of meeting people. Some of my random friends have gone out with my soccer team at night, met my teammates, and dated them. One couple's been dating 6 months. So you'd have a good opportunity to meet new people. Even if it's not soccer, there's softball, flag football, etc. I know your area has to have some city leagues.

    Keep your head up, and I hope you're not feeling too miserable at work today after staying up so late!


    By Blogger girl from florida, at 12:10 PM, February 17, 2005  

  • First, forgive me for quoting a scene from a movie here, but it's how I feel at times when I see you get like this.

    "Let me tell you what I do know. Everyday I come by your house and I pick you up. And we go out, we have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and it's great. But you know what the best part of my day is? It's for about ten seconds from when I pull up to the curb to when I get to your door. Because I think maybe I'll get there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye, no see you later, no nothin' Just left. I don't know much but I know that."

    It's like the three seconds it takes for my browser to load your blog in the morning. Part of me crosses my fingers to see 'the page you requested is not available' and I will just know that life has gone on for you.

    The good thing about blogging is that you get these daily/weekly outlets to vent; it's great, it's cathartic. But the bad thing is that the pains of your past are readily re-hashable at the click of a mouse.

    If it's what works, vent on, my friend. We're here for you. I'm here for you; and one day that knock on the door is going to come.

    By Blogger JuRiScHiCk, at 12:32 PM, February 17, 2005  

  • Jurischick...I, too, like that speech from Good Will Hunting. I think these kinds of posts are good not just for PT, but for people in general.

    I once had a friend who was temporarily overwhelmed by his job at the Washington Post. He had to deal with a shitty city editor who was making his professional life HELL. One late afternoon, we were walking down M Street in Georgetown, when we passed one of the numerous outdoor cafes. It was summer, and all the swine were out enjoying their aperitifs, or whatever the feck they were drinking. Suddenly, my friend stopped and moved closer to the outdoor-part of the cafe where all the Washington Power Suits seemed to have gathered. He put his arms up and yelled outloud to everyone dining: I. HAVE. NOTHING. TO. SAY!!!!!

    No one understood. He had everything to say, but that did it for him. That got the bile out--and he didn't even insult anyone or use curse words. That's all the man needed.

    I say it's good for the soul.

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 3:00 PM, February 17, 2005  

  • yeah, i love a good angry rant once in awhile too, life calls for it sometimes, and you have to let it fly.

    not that you asked for suggestions, but in the vain of your post, fuck it i am going to give you one anyway. from one who spent many years consulting at customer sites mon-fri, i feel for you with regard to the eating out and getting fat. i found it much easier to eat healthy when i started staying at a hotel room with a kitchenette, buying my own groceries, and eating in most nights (and preparing lunch too if you want).

    AND, while this can be difficult as i know when you are on the road you somehow end up working 80 hours a week, you HAVE to find time to exercise.

    those two things: eating a bit healthier and getting some exercise can make spending 80% of your nights away from your house almost bareable. AND, you might meet some nice gals in the gym, or the grocery store.

    good luck!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:43 PM, February 17, 2005  

  • You're a pretty coherent ranter. I've been lacking inspiration lately. Wish I could be as dedicated as you.

    By Blogger Lyss, at 10:15 PM, February 17, 2005  

  • Todd, we all need a good rant now & then. I'd post a rant myself, but I'm too worn out from being so pissed off.

    Take care of yourself buddy, because no one else will!

    By Blogger M, at 10:46 PM, February 17, 2005  

  • Hey, even though i am a, how did you put it?, "religious girl" I still have the need to vent once in a while (and you have been privy to more than one of those rants while seeing me at the 'you know where')
    I am sorry things seem to be down, but obviously you are special to a bunch of people. I enjoy giving you a SMILE each week, and you are so not fat! HA.
    at least you work out! LOL.... if you are fat, then I am a whale with legs! So, don't say that...Bc I don't really want to be a whale with legs.
    Just take a deep breath and ask Raymond to smile at you since I won't be able to this week!
    :o) <---- that is me smiling at you!
    Drive back home safely.
    and Don't worry, if Josh is giving you a hard time at work I will whip him into shape!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:38 PM, February 17, 2005  

  • One word...CHOICES

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:13 AM, February 18, 2005  

    Huh. What do I know? Guess I should rant more often. Tks everyone once again for your thougths and support (sorry LX if this is smarmy).

    To my 'new' readers ropedncr and kabe, welcome and tks for reading.

    Mom's in town for a visit. Should make for a fun and interesting visit.

    By Blogger Plantation, at 8:20 AM, February 18, 2005  

  • Hang in there.

    As for Jdate, are you living in Florida? That would explain the 50 year old women. Where are you located again?

    By Blogger AddledWriter, at 1:58 PM, February 18, 2005  

  • AW, I live in Plantation, Fla. Honest.

    Hey folks get this. Forgot to mention. Went to PF Changs. My fortune cookie said, "You will overcome all obstacles."

    By Blogger Plantation, at 4:44 PM, February 18, 2005  

  • At the same venue my fortune cookie said: "you like Chinese food."

    Noooo, really?

    Fuck P.F. Chang's in Boca.

    By Blogger Bubbles, Ink., at 8:13 PM, February 18, 2005  

  • Sorry, I'm late but glad I made it to the party...

    I've been having a hard time posting on my own b/c I want to have a great idea or a great post "just in case" someone will read it and judge. But I created my blog to have my own personal haven for venting.

    Don't apologize, writing can be very cathartic, and not every post needs to be for the purpose of entertaining your fans...although apparently, you did a great job at that, anyway.


    By Blogger Queen Helene, at 10:28 AM, February 20, 2005  

  • My post is a few days late, but I agree with some of the others about taking a break from jdate. Get grounded in "real life" since the online world can be a bit emotionally intense. Spend time with friends, family, etc. Use the little spare time you have to ground yourself. The romance will come when it comes.

    By Blogger Gatsby, at 12:47 PM, February 20, 2005  

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