NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT

Seinfeld said if a man’s single, thin, and neat he’s probably gay. A classic, must-see Seinfeld episode. Any reference to being gay was followed by the tagline “not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Well look at me; I’m single, thin, and neat. But I’m not gay.

Yesterday, I read a fantastic post by Greek Tragedy 48 character traits or red flags which, if uncovered, direct the woman to avoid the man. “Period.” How’d I do on her quiz? Not so good, I don’t think. I failed on 9 items which scores me about an 83 on a 100 point scale. What’s that, a solid B average? So being the typical accountant, I began to analyze my red flags to see if there was a trend:

When he examines all the flatware and then polishes it with his napkin while you’re out to dinner, he’s a control freak who will obsess over the organization of your entire life, right down to the coat closet.
If the Ken in your life calls you “dude,” or emails “whut up?” send him Skipper’s way. He’s not ready for Barbie.
The Oral Sex South Beach Dieter: if he won’t eat carbs, he’ll suck at eating you in bed.
If his face turns red and he gets tight-lipped when you kick his ass at Scrabble, he’s a loser in more ways than one.
If he doesn't put the moves on by the end of the third date, he’s terrible at closing other deals, too. Take heed.
Any guy that c) has truffle oil but is not a chef at a restaurant; he is only marginally talented, and you’ll be forced to enjoy his "talents" in awe for too long.
He already knows the words to Gavin DeGraw songs. He’s too effeminate to spank you in bed.
Anyone who says, “the bomb,” “nizzle,” or “bi-atch.”
Avoid any man who speaks with his mother more than twice a week; he might as well still be milking.

Three involve food, dining, eating resulting in a lack of ‘talent’ in the bedroom. Two involve speaking in slang or ebonics resulting in insulting, perhaps. One involves knowing song lyrics to a cool singer who, I guess, is too feminine for a guy following which results in more poor bedroom performance. One’s about being competitive at a sissy game resulting in, I’m guessing, more sex issues. One involves a lack of sexual aggression so ‘nuff said. The last one involves being a momma’s boy.

So what do we conclude here? According to SK of Greek Tragedy, I guess I’ve got bedroom issues, perhaps as a result of possessing some feminine qualities. I’m single, neat, and thin. Uh-oh. Shite, I must be gay. Hmm, the only behavior change I think I could/should make is number 3. The carb thing. I need to chill on that one. Other than that, I don’t see much change happening. I love Gavin DeGraw’s music. Saw him in concert (believe it or not with an extremely beautiful girl), and it was one of the best concerts I’ve seen. Effeminate? Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean I can’t spank. But hey, I scored an 83; a B ain’t half bad. Rather good, actually when you consider the toughness of my endearing teacher. My opinion? Single, neat, and thin? Yes. Some ‘feminine’ characteristics per Greek? Yes. I also cry at sad movies, love to cook and bake, eat salads for lunch, like to dress nicely, like Indigo Girls, Dido, Sarah McLachlan, Avril Lavigne, Michelle Branch, and countless other female singers.

But, nevertheless, that is to say, however…I do eat steaks, ribs, chicken, chocolate, just about anything. I also listen to Blink 182, Staind, Green Day, Fuel and a million other bands. But most importantly, I love women. Although dating is frustrating as hell sometimes, I am enjoying the chase and look forward to finding MY GIRL, wherever she is. I guess that means I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

"not that there's anything wrong with that."