A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

I’m so amused lately by looking at these online pictures of various women on JDate. I’m sure the men do the same thing, but I haven’t done the research to confirm. How many times have you thought to yourself, “Why the hell would anyone put THAT picture in a profile?” Too many, if you ask me. I’ve boiled it down to a few themes. Sorry girls, but here is my David Letterman top 16 list (in no particular order) of the ones that immediately throw up the red flag as definite “No-No’s.”

1. Glamour shot. Ahh, the perfect photo. The best of the best. Anything else is surely gonna be downhill from here. Knowing this, why do you include other pictures which look absolutely nothing like the glamour pic? It’s like you’re looking at two totally different people and I have a real good guess which picture looks more like the real you.
2. Glamour shot + poses. Even worse than #1. You get glamour plus the phony pose. The hand under the chin. The tilt of the head. The side profile. Way too stilted for me. Give me a candid shot any day.
3. Vacation shot. “Here I am. Look at me! I’m on the French Riviera! I’m on the Italian coast. I’m cool!” Uh, no. You’re not.
4. Revealing shot. I suppose the intent of showing all that cleavage is to say, “Hey, check me out. I’m sexy. I’ve got a bod!” To me, it’s you saying you’re one of the seven dwarfs. I think his name is Sleazy. It also tells me you’re desperate. Yes, your bod’s impressive but your brains are questionable.
5. Action shot. “Here I am flying down a ski slope, or water skiing, or horseback riding. See? I’m athletic and cool and because this picture is taken so far away, you can’t even see my face!” Hey, I’m happy you’re having fun and are athletic, but the whole point of the picture is for us to actually see your face.
6. Blurry shot. This one totally boggles my mind. Why on earth would you put a blurry, fuzzy, hazy picture out there where we can’t even tell if you’re a girl or a guy? Makes absolutely no sense and shows you have none.
7. No shot. First reaction? OK, what are you hiding? You tell me in your profile that, “I don’t need a picture or please request a picture.” Obviously, you don’t get why we are all here. This may be the biggest red flag out there.
8. High school shot. This one sucks, too. You tease me and pull me in with the old high school or college picture. Then I stare at the other attached photos and wonder, if indeed, this is the same person? If so, you really seemed to have aged a good 10 years. Big-time turn-off.
9. Different hair style/color shots. I’m not sure I get this one either. You’ve got two to four pictures and your hairstyle is different in every one of them. My immediate question is, “OK, so which one are you? Which one of these do you actually look like? Are you really a blonde or brunette? Is your hair straight or curly these days.” Perhaps it shows your sense of style, but I would rather know simply what you look like TODAY!
10. Food shots. This one baffles me. Do you think it’s really attractive for me to see you with a mouthful of pizza or you chugging a beer? Two words come to mind. Trailer trash.
11. Hats & other clothes. Tony Bennett once sang something about “Rags to Riches.” Beware of these extremes. Hey you! Yeah you. The girl that’s dressed to the nines ready to attend the Academy Awards. Sure, you’re swanky and stylin'. But I think I’d rather see a dose of reality rather than what you look like one or two days out of the year. Hats? Again, stylish perhaps, and even that’s a stretch. But what’s underneath? What are you covering up? Conversely, what’s with the tattered Cinderella-type look? I think, ideally you should fall somewhere in between Rags and Riches.
12. Black & White shot. Can someone tell me what the attraction is here? Is this style supposed to make you look hotter or more fashionable or something? To me, this comes dangerously close to #1 and is often combined with #1 which makes it totally unacceptable.
13. Group shot. You know this one, right? You tell me, “That’s me over there, to the left of the fat girl and to the right of the bartender.” I scratch my head and search and say, “Uh, WHERE exactly are you?” Geez Louise, can’t you find a solo picture of yourself? I could care less about these other people.
14. Boyfriend shot. I think this one pisses me off the most. You have the friggin’ gall to put a picture out there on a dating service and you showcase your former boyfriend, husband, or whatever the hell he is? Do you really think us guys want to see your ex? Puh-leeze. This is classless and is a total turn-off. Like I said for #13, can’t you find a solo picture?
15. Boyfriend cut-out shot. Not quite as bad as #14. At least you made an effort to cut him out. But really. That half-cut out face you’re leaning on and that arm around your waist make it fairly obvious. You should really try to remove any and all remnants of your ex, OK?
16. Silly shot. I guess the intent here is to show me you’re a real goofball. A Silly girl. Hey, I’m a silly boy, too. But I think there’s a better time and place for revealing that. Frankly, looking at you sticking your tongue at me or making some contorted facial expression makes me fly right by your picture. Once again, I’m thinking, “This is the best picture you could come up with?”

So if your intent is to impress me with any of these picture themes, obviously you’ve come up far short. Why? Well like the title says, a picture is indeed worth a thousand words.